Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I was perusing the interwebs out of boredom and happened upon a girl's facebook page that I know. This particular girl dates a friend of the ex-boyfriend. Instead of avoiding the page like the plague (I have done my best not to put myself in situations that would tempt me to seek out information about the ex), I clicked on over and was checking out her pictures. Instead of finding pics of her and her boyfriend that I assumed would be there, I found a pic of the ex with his new girlfriend who just happens to be the girl's younger sister. UGH!
I was so not prepared for this discovery. An onslaught of emotions overtook me. I was jealous. I was angry. I was hurt. I was desperate. I tried reaching out to a friend for comfort, but friends have their own lives and thus was unavailable to be sucked into mine. So here I was, home alone, left to deal with this on my own. That has never been a good thing because, like I said, I became desperate. I cried. I cried all day. I sobbed. I sobbed some more. I cried myself to sleep.
This was the eve of Christmas Eve and so it was imperative that I be presentable the next day for the beginning of the Christmas marathon. I tried to hold back my tears but, even at the suggestion that something might be wrong, I broke down for no apparent reason. On Christmas Eve, I awoke with puffy eyes. I used make-up to try to mask it and I did my best to shove my emotions aside and get through, but I still cried a couple of times.
I pushed on through the next few days even though with every moment of silence came thoughts of him. I began to believe that I was missing him. I would draft letters in my head of apologies. I wondered what would happen if I text him. I thought about calling. I came across a note he left right before I moved and we broke up. It says, "If you get lonely or bored at your new place, just remember that I am thinking of you so you are not really alone. I love you always." And another that said, "I miss you already". I started wondering if he really was missing me.
This is the point where, in the past, I would act out of desperation and do some of those things. I would text him, I would call him, I would accidentally on purpose cross paths with him. But this time, my head is control and I know I can't.
One of my best girlfriends had called me the day that I began having this breakdown and reminded me that it's ok to feel this way. I want him to be happy in life, but I don't. I want him to find someone to make him happy, but I don't. I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to have him. She reminded me that it's ok to feel this way and it will eventually fade in time. Lots and lots of time. She also reminded me that, in the twelve years that we dated (on and off again constantly), he had never changed. He wasn't going to change. We don't even really believe that he's capable of changing. His lifestyle and my lifestyle did not mesh. At all. He is super social, he likes to sit around with the guys daily and drink beer and tell the same stories fifty times over, he is ok with and wants someone to live at home with his parents with him, he is carefree and lives spontaneously. I CANNOT do any of that. I am not social. I hate sitting around and making small talk and telling stories. I am very independent and I like to make plans and keep them and be able to depend on my partner for that too. And it isn't fair for either of us to ask the other to change the way they are for the other person.
I have to keep telling myself that I did this for him too. I know he couldn't have been happy either. He was comfortable and content having me in his life, but he couldn't have been truly happy. We hardly spent any time together (which could have been fine with him as he liked to be with the boys). I hate his hobbies, he hated mine. I told him that he needed to find someone who actually enjoyed doing the things that he liked to do because I didn't. And even when I tried to show interest in the things he enjoyed, he still wouldn't include me. I tried every which way I could think of.
Suffice it to say, for the first time ever, my brain is winning over my emotions. And I'm sure all of my family and friends who have encouraged me to make the break and repeatedly told me, as patiently and kindly as they could, that this relationship wasn't the right thing for me and I deserved so much more in life, will be happy to hear that. Though I am still troubled with thoughts and holding back tears now and then, I know that I need to stay on the path that I am on.
I wonder how it is that I can be so distraught over this right now and yet my life is so calm and peaceful right now. That is something I have been striving for. Maybe it is old tendencies taking over. As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) or a co-dependent, I have a tendency to recreate the chaos of the life I knew growing up. Is it possible that I am inadvertently creating this emotional turmoil in my life because my life is so calm?
All I can figure right now, is that I want to push through the rest of this week so I don't have time to just sit around and think. Getting back to work will give me something to focus on. I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of being sad and worrying about other people and if what I have done to them is somehow detrimental to their emotional well-being. I am ready to keep moving forward.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The biggest project is my computer room. It's piled with boxes. Boxes of heaven knows what. Computer stuff, reading books, old school books that I should have returned but thought I'd use some day (um...yeah), CDs, important paperwork, clothes, blankets, stored Christmas decor, pictures, baby stuff (my baby book and the like), trophies and medals, etc. What to do with all this stuff, I have no idea. Do I throw it out? I don't know. I do know that I need to figure out what to keep, how to store it and make space because this also needs to be my work out room. Oh yeah! My mom gave me an early Christmas present - a treadmill. I'm so excited! I've asked for one for about three years now. It's used, but it works great.
Christmas is going to be crazy this year. Six Christmas gatherings in four days. Imagine. All the driving and socializing. I'm going to need two days to recuperate. Being an introvert makes all these gatherings, even with my own family, stressful. When I was a kid, I used to get so worked up about it that I would spend the day laying on my grandma's bed with a tummy ache from all the anxiety. It's not that bad anymore, but it still makes me anxious.
Christmas has also been very expensive this year. In an attempt to get organized, I contacted my dad's side of the family about two weeks before Thanksgiving to see how we were going to handle Christmas this year. This side of the family seems to have a tough time getting together, always putting it off and sometimes we don't have our gathering until January or later. This year, however, my niece will only be home for a short time so, in order to have us all there, I thought we should try to organize early. Well, I got some hemming and hawing from a few folks and never received a real answer. So, I dropped it. I figured if these adults can't decide or give me an answer, I am not going to worry myself over it. Then, of course, a week and a half before Christmas, it becomes an issue. Now, suddenly, we are scrambling for a date and four people are tacked onto my Christmas shopping list. Now, I'm up to fifteen people. I am one person buying for fifteen people and I don't even have a husband or children. Ugh...how does this happen?
I have felt so disorganized this year. Usually, I make a list of folks I have to buy for along with ideas for each and then decide where I can get these items, plan my route and go. I mean, I HATE shopping. I hate the rude people, screaming children who don't want to be there either, standing elbow to elbow in an aisle not big enough for one cart let alone eight, I get hot which makes me more cranky, waiting in long lines and noticing that not all the lanes are even open which makes me wonder who the heck is in charge. I just hate all of it even when it's not Christmas. So I try to do as few trips as possible and grab and go quickly. Not this year. I haven't been able to decide on what to get people. I've taken My Friend with me a few times and, well, I prefer to shop alone mostly. It's just been crazy. I think, yesterday, I finally got everything, but I'm afraid to go check for sure because I don't want to have to go shopping again. Ugh.
On a totally different topic...
When I moved to the new town, I was leaving things behind. An old boyfriend in particular. I didn't dwell on in much. It had been coming for some time. It wasn't the first time we had broken up, but I am determined that it will be the last. As much as I love and care about him, I also know that we weren't meant to be. He was not capable of having the kind of relationship that I wanted or needed and I was not capable of having the relationship he wanted or needed. My mind still knows this and I pray that he can find someone who can have that relationship. There isn't a chance in hell that I ever want to go back to that. Still, sometimes I miss the special little things.
I miss the way he looked at me with so much feeling in his eyes and told me so softly that I was so pretty. I miss how, regardless of what we were fighting over, he would come to me, he would come first to make up, make me laugh, make it all better. I miss the way he'd hug me. Meaningfully and for a long time if I needed it. I miss watching Animal Planet or Discovery Channel and having him explain to me all about wild life and living in the wild, far beyond the explanations of either of those shows. He is so smart in that way. If the world were to go to hell today, he'd be the person you'd want to hide with. He could out-survive the toughest in places far beyond the imagination.
What I don't know is why seven months later these things have come to mind.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
True Communication with True Colors
Greens for the most part, communicate for the purpose of gaining or sharing information. During a conversation, their attention is usually focused on the matter at hand, not on the relationship.
o Logical and Objective
o Includes Facts and Information
o Big Picture, Conceptual
o Questioning, Critiquing
o Wry Sense of Humor
TIPS FOR COMMUNICATING WITH GREENS
o Allow Them Time to Ponder
o Skip the "small talk"
o Avoid Redundancy
o Give Big Picture or Point first, then fill in details if asked
o Don't misinterpret their need for info as interrogation
Time Management Styles Can Show Your True Colors
o View time in an objective orderly way
o See the whole picture as well as the individual parts.
o Are good at creating strategies for completing individual tasks according to priority
o Want to make decisions based on facts; need time to review all the information
IN MANAGING THEIR TIME, GREENS BIGGEST STRESSORS ARE:
o Wasting time with idle chit-chat
o Deciding without enough information
o Having to rush to produce something to meet another's timeline
o Being forced to spend time on something that does not make sense to them
Showing Our True Colors Over Time
This may sound like strange advice at first, but it works. Greens have a tendency to get so involved in their work or task at hand that they can forget their surroundings. A smile opens up lines of communication and creates rapport, which will save you time accomplishing your goal if it involves others.
Put off procrastination.
Pay attention to how much time you are spending researching information to make the perfect decision or take the precise action. Go for it! You may want to argue the point, but you do not have to be totally competent in everything you do.
Find diplomatic ways to prevent others from infringing on your time.
Set up a system for letting others politely know when it is ok to approach you and when you need your time.
Since it often takes about three weeks to break a habit, give yourself at least that long to adapt a more effective pattern. Choose one time management habit you would like to change and decide now to change it!
True Colors Healthy Holiday Help
Avoid Packing on the Pounds by Showing Your True Colors
GREEN: Diet Thinkers
The Diet Thinker values knowledge and accomplishment. She is a life-long learner who strives to understand the world. The Diet Thinker needs comprehension and information to realize and maintain her weight-loss and fitness goals.
A problem often faced by the Diet Thinker is that her great analytical ability means she can find the information she wants to find, anywhere…including the information needed for the perfect excuse! For example, she will justify eating large quantities of potato chips at holiday party because the potassium content of the chips is higher than that of a banana. The solution? Instead of using obscure, extreme-logic as an excuse for not-so-healthy indulgences, she should do what she does best—seek knowledge and understanding from a variety of reliable sources. Then, once she sees that good health is the real goal, she will have an easier time making decisions about her health based on useful facts.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
|Color Lingo Communication Quiz |
The GREEN Approach –
OBJECTIVE & STRATEGIC
When communicating, Greens tend to think before they speak. They like to analyze what they have just heard, explore the many ways they could respond and choose the reply that most accurately and pertinently expresses their thoughts on the matter. Their goal is to obtain information so they can figure out, fix, improve, or invent something as a result.
To learn more about the GREEN communication style go to:
|Fun quizzes, surveys & blog quizzes by |
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
One was a cooks Non-stick Electric Griddle for My Friend. You see, My Friend is a cook in a restaurant so he is used to cooking on a big, flat grill. When he cooks at my place, using a frying pan is completely foreign to him. We talked about getting one of these griddles at WalMart when we were out shopping one day, but decided not to spend the money right then. When I saw the griddle in the Penney's ad for $12.88 (with $10.00 mail-in rebate), I couldn't pass it up. Even if it's a piece of crap that doesn't work, it's only $12.88 out the window.
I also picked up the cooks 5-in-1 Power Blender w/attachment. It's a knock off of the Magic Bullet that is all over tv. I'm not one to buy into infomercial products*, but I've always wanted one of these. It, too, was only $12.88 (with $10.00 mail-in rebate) and couldn't be passed up.
What can I say? I'm a sucker.
I didn't spend any time looking around the store, however. I went it, checked the lines to see if they were too long, grabbed what I wanted, hopped in line, and got out of there. It wasn't bad although there was a little girl who had lost her family (or vice versa) and I felt so bad for her. She was crying and so sad. It broke my heart.
I have to add that my Friday experience was not nearly as bad as my excursion to Target on Saturday. Crazy! I wasn't even there to do holiday shopping. I only went in because I am trying to unpack more boxes (that I've ignored for months) and organize my computer room and I needed some storage bins/organizing thingies. What a zoo! I didn't stand in line too long, but the aisle ways were overly crowded and there were crying, tantrum-having children everywhere. Never again.
*Ok, ok. I promise to stop fibbing. I've been wanting one of those GT Express 101 thing-a-majiggers too.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
What: Common Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA)
Highlights: Items that describe me
**My own assertions relating to the topic.**
Adult children of alcoholics appear to have characteristics in common as a result of being raised in an alcoholic home. Review the characteristics listed. If you identify with these characteristics then seek appropriate sources of support to understand and resolve them. You will find many self-help books on this subject. Additionally, there is Adult Children of Alcoholics 12-Step self-help community meeting, individual therapy, and group therapy facilitated by a therapist.
• Difficulty with identity issues related to seeking constantly the approval of others.
• Frightened by angry people and personal criticism.
• Have become an alcoholic yourself, married one, or both. **(Dated one or two or three.)** A variation would be the attraction to another compulsive personality such as a workaholic. The similarity is that neither is emotionally available to deal with overwhelming and unhealthy dependency needs.
• Perpetually being the victim and seeing the world from the perspective of a victim. **I may do this, though I am unaware of it. I have tried to conscious of this in an attempt to not do it.**
• An overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Concerned about the needs of others to the degree of neglecting your own wants and needs. This is a protective behavior for avoiding a good look at yourself and taking responsibility to identify and resolve your own personal difficulties. **Though I have attempted to be cognizant of this behavior in an attempt to correct it, sometimes it just comes so naturally.**
• Feelings of guilt associated with standing up for your rights. It is easier to give into the demands of others.
• An addiction to excitement. Feeling a need to be on the edge, and risk-taking behaviors. **Awareness of this behavior was a huge discovery for me. I believe I have since corrected it. My counselor said that once I experienced calm, I will never want to go back to crazy. I think she's right. I avoid crazy like the plague.**
• A tendency to confuse feelings of love and pity. Attracted to people that you can rescue and take care of. **Many, many relationships in my life have been based on how I can take care of someone else and rescue them from themselves. I hope that this is an area that has improved a little bit in my life. Sometimes, though, I need someone on the outside looking in for affirmation.**
• Avoidance of feelings related to traumatic childhood experiences. Unable to feel or express feelings because it is frightening and/or painful and overwhelming. Denial of feelings. **At this point, I barely remember my childhood (which I understand is common for ACOA as well). The parts I do remember, I cannot associate any sort of feeling with. On occasion, when something happens that is similar or resembles a traumatic event from my childhood, I experience overwhelming feelings that relate to that childhood event. I often cannot identify what the feeling is though.**
• Low self-esteem. A tendency to judge yourself harshly and be perfectionistic and self-critical. **This I do not tend to see myself. Even when I feel that I have been feeling my best (or the best I can remember feeling), my counselor would often say that certain behaviors are related to low self-esteem.**
• Strong dependency needs and terrified of abandonment. Will do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the fear and pain of abandonment. **Yep! As much as I'd like to say that I have overcome this, I have not.**
• Alcoholism is a family disease which often results in a family member taking on the characteristics of the disease even if they are not alcoholics (para-alcoholics). Dysfunctional relationships, denial, fearful, avoidance of feelings, poor coping, poor problem solving, afraid that others will find out what you are really like, etc.
• Tendency to react to things that happen versus taking control and not being victim to the behavior of others or situations created by others. **I am a huge reactor. I think I have worked on this some.**
• A chameleon. A tendency to be what others want you to be instead of being yourself. A lack of honesty with yourself and others. **I try, but conforming has been so a huge part of my life. I have made some progress in this area, but occasionally catch myself accommodate, adjusting or harmonizing.**
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
a) get up that stinking early
b) get up that early just to go shopping (I hate shopping)
c) fight hoards of rude people
d) be tortured by screaming children
e) put a huge amount of effort into tracking down a terrific deal only to find the shelf barren upon arrival
f) stand in horrific lines (and lines for everything)
g) chase my tail in a parking lot
h) get run over by a mob of insane people
i) watch as people hurt other people over THINGS (!!!)
j) participate in ramped spending on things I don’t need.
But really, there are tons of people are there who are braving the crowds. I say, you go for it. Me, I’ll stick with Cyber Monday. I spend less money (fewer “present to me” temptations) and I can maintain my sanity at the same time.
If you are a Black Friday shopper, here are two of the sites I like best for getting the scoop on the ads:
If you prefer Cyber Monday, check this out:
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I have come a long way with my life and, though it is not perfect, each step is better than before. No one can understand the trials that I have overcome to get here. And no one is going to make me feel bad about the place that I am at. I am who I am. Like it or leave it.
Monday, November 16, 2009
I love hockey. I don’t fully understand all of the rules nor do I understand all of the positions. I do get the gist of the game and, of course, I love watching the fights. Barbaric as it may sound, I like fights. Even though there was but one fight in this game, we did get to see a hat trick. (Oooo…look at my hockey lingo.) Zetterberg scored three goals in the third period for his fourth career hat trick bringing the Wings to a 7-4 victory over Anaheim. WOOT! We also witnessed Nicklas Lidstrom being recognized for reaching 1,000 career points. Awesome!
I had a great time! I am so blessed to have these little adventures.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
And, the after:
I was really wanting my stylist to cut my bangs differently, but she was having no part of it. She didn't seem to think I need more bangs cut to replicate those of Ashley Olsen, but I beg to differ. What do you think?
Meh, I will either just go back to her or go to someone else who will cut them like I want them. I suppose the current bangs will have to grow out some, but they could be masked by newer, longer fringe.
So far, though, I like the new color. I just wonder how long it will last. I'm hoping through the holiday season at least.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Recently My Friend talked me into painting the apartment. I have tossed the idea around several times. I, however, am the kind of person who likes to do as little work as possible. The idea of painting now and then having to repaint when I move out sounds like a lot of freaking work to me. So, as much as I like the idea of painting, actually following through with it was never in the plan. Or my plan anyway. My Friend had other ideas.
Over the weekend, we hit Home Depot and started checking out paint. I picked out a couple of colors that I like, they mixed us up some samples and we took them home to try them out. I really liked the one color so My Friend and I agreed that we would start painting Sunday. I was in charge of painting the wall while he painted the shelves that he made for my unused closet (boy is he ever handy!).
Sunday I had a little bit of shopping to do so I ran out to Wally World and then hit Big Lots for some cheap curtains and a rod for my bedroom because the outside light shines in at night. When I returned home, to my surprise, My Friend had painted the whole wall already! I was so excited. I had to stop and stare at it for a little while.
The next task, of course, is to add some kind of decorative gobbledy-gook which I am so not good at. So I started looking at pictures of stuff and I came across this (which is a staged apartment at my complex, believe it or not) and loved it:
I perused the furniture stores online looking for two little ottomans like that, but couldn't find them. I did find a bench that I liked at Art Van so My Friend and I headed there last night to take a look at it in person.
My Friend and I went in the store and asked the sales lady if we could look at this bench. She pulled it up on her little computer and said there weren't any on the showroom floor but that we could buy it, have them pull it from the warehouse, assemble it and, if we didn't like it, we could return it for a refund. This was a lot for me to take in. I am not accustom to spending large amounts of money, or what I consider large (anything over $50!). So, while My Friend and I contemplated this, we decided to look at the tables that we had cased once before.
And then we decided on this one and walked out with a table instead of a bench.
Someone want to explain to me how that works? LOL
Anyway, I am uber excited about all the painting and decorating and furnishing. It's a little scary, but it is wonderful to have someone in my life who wants to do that too. THAT is exciting!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Because My Friend has connections everywhere (ev-er-ry-where!), an awesome opportunity presented itself last night. My Friend has a friend (The Trainer) who is an ex-bodybuilder and is retired and who, now, spends time training others. My Friend took it upon himself to stop and talk to The Trainer about me telling him that I have been weighing my options in regard to some kind of physical fitness activities. The Trainer then kindly offered his services three days a week for $20 per week.
$20 per week people! Do you know how stinking cheap that is? For your own personal trainer!!! And he essentially offered to come to me. To bring his person to my person and kick my butt for $20 per week!
I am hesitant. Why? Two reasons.
Reason #1) $20 per week doesn't seem like much until you say $80 per month. Did I mention that overtime is, well, over? I am already back on a stringent budget. However, My Friend offered to pay for this. Why? Because he feels he owes me.
Reason #2) In part, I feel like I am just being lazy. Paying someone to help me do something that I know full well I can do myself. I have gotten out there before and ran all summer long. That is where it usually stops though. I go for a summer and become a couch potato through the winter and spring.
I don't know what to do. Do I go for it? Am I just being lazy by not getting out there and doing it myself? Didn't Dr. Phil say, "Sometimes action has to come before motivation?" What do you think?
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Living in a day-timers world makes it really difficult to truly be my night owl self. We night owls must adapt to the early bird schedule being forced to work those 8-5 jobs. And what I have discovered is that, no matter how hard I try to change my habits, I am still whole-heartedly, 100% a night owl.
For the last three months, I have been forced to be an early bird. Getting out of bed between 5:00 am - 5:30 am five (sometimes six) days a week. I thought I was doing fairly well, too. I felt good. I forced myself into bed most nights by 10:00. On the rare occasion that I stayed up later, I suffered the next morning. I survived though. After a while, getting up didn't seem so bad. I thought that maybe, just maybe I was actually breaking old habits and adapting a new schedule. I was ever-so-hopeful that my inner clock was resetting itself. I honestly thought I had a huge breakthrough.
But no. Nope. Not at all. Since the overtime ceased, so has my early mornings and my timeliness. (Have I mentioned that I am never on time either?) I still maintain my 10 o'clock bedtime and can now sleep until 7:00 am and I am having a harder time getting out of bed now than I was having when I was getting up BEFORE the butt crack of dawn. So what is the deal? Am I getting too much sleep?
I thought maybe I was just in a bit of a hormonal slump that would pass in a week or so. But my motivation has yet to return. I take my time crawling out of bed. I dawdle in the mornings. I find anything else there is to do besides getting in the shower. I procrastinate doing my hair. I will throw in a load of laundry, start the dishwasher, make the bed. Anything besides get myself ready for the day. I. Just. Don't. Feel. Like. It. I don't feel like doing much of anything. Until, that is, it's really time to go to bed. Then, I lay there for an hour, eyes wide open, wishing I could fall asleep.
When will this cycle end? Or am I doomed forever and ever to be a night owl living in a day-timers world?
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
My mind is all over the place today. I have a zillion miscellaneous things running through my brain and I really don’t know what to do with all of them. Fortunately, I have this space here in bloggy world where I can share and say whatever I want. So, without further ado, I give you my Higgledy-Piggledy bits.
My mom got a car. For an ordinary person, this really isn’t a huge deal. For my mom, this is colossal! I believe I have mentioned before that my mom is an alcoholic. I know I don’t have to tell you that drinking + driving is not anywhere near the beginnings of a good equation.
My mom has not driven or owned a car for a few years now. She has already had a DUI and a reckless driving for leaving the scene of an accident (it was a drinking related accident that they couldn’t prove). The last time she really drove, she was in an accident with an older woman in the car and she claims that the car flipped all the way over and landed back on its wheels. I was not there so I cannot vouch for this, but this is what she says. She also claims she hadn’t been drinking.
To add to matters, my mom is a very anxious person. EVERYTHING makes her nervous. Even riding in a car with a very good, safe driver, my mom will grip the door handle, hold her belly, close her eyes, and grit her teeth.
If I am honest, I will admit to being upset about someone (her boyfriend of sorts) buying her a car. Not only is it a danger for my mother and to my mother to be behind the wheel, it is a danger to other drivers on the road. I don’t care how much she promises to not drive after drinking, we all are aware of how drinking impairs judgment. It only takes ONE time!
Regrettably, there is nothing I can do. She is an adult with a valid driver’s license. As sad as this may sound, I have begun to wonder if I should explore life insurance policies. That is how much the idea of my mother driving scares me!
I recently went to my doctor for my annual exam. This is a new family doctor for me and I really like her. I had intentions of seeing one of the other physicians in the office, but they were not accepting patients. It all turned out for the best though. She listens to me. She understands that I know my own body. When something isn’t right, I know and she listens. It also isn’t necessary for me to arrange an office visit every time I need something or have a problem. Sometimes I can call and she will write the prescription for me or she will return my call and discuss my issue with me over the phone. She calls and reports to me any test results as well. I really like her.
At my annual exam, she suggested I start eating yogurt and taking a B complex vitamin. Check and check! I immediately starting eating yogurt mixed with Fiber One cereal every morning. (I love Fiber One cereal! It might look like rabbit pellets, but it tastes good and it is even sweet. Plus, a whole day’s fiber in one cup!) My only issue is that she wants me to eat Activia. Activia, however, contains high fructose corn syrup which we are all increasingly aware is not good for our bodies. So, instead, I opted for Stonyfield Organic Yogurt. It has the same probiotic as the Activia. Sweet!
My only issues, now are…
1) I need to stop drinking so much Mountain Dew. (Did I mention high fructose corn syrup already? Yeah, I think so.) If you are unaware, I love MD. I do limit myself, but this is one habit I really need to kick to the curb.
2) Drink water. I have never been a big fan of water. It is tasteless and unpleasant for me to consume. I have had bouts in the past where I have drank considerable amounts of water, as I am supposed to, but they were always chug sessions. Chug it on my drive to work. Chug it on my drive home. Give me a limited time span and I’d chug. But to just sit around sipping water, I’ll pass!
3) Exercise! I really do like working out…once I get into it. It’s getting into it that seems to be my current road block. I will do really well for about a week and a half and then fall flat on my face. I know that I feel so much better in so many ways when I exercise. I benefit both mentally and physically. So what in the world is my problem??
I have noticed, recently, that I have begun to put on a few pounds. Again. I went through this last year. I gained, roughly, ten pounds. I went up a pant size. I bought all new clothes to accommodate. I tried not to make too much of a fuss about it and be accepting. After all, at my age, I think it’s fairly natural for a woman to put on a few pounds. I also never really gained the freshman 15 that people talk about. I am naturally small framed so it isn’t like I ballooned up and am suddenly obese. However, I do not want to have to go through this process all over again. I am not going to buy all new clothes again to accommodate. I also know that regular exercise will help in this area and will be better for me because I really do sit on my keister all. day. long. For overall and long term health, I know I need to exercise. I really want to tell myself to JUST DO IT ALREADY!
For the last three months solid, I have been working 5-10 hours of overtime every week. Overtime has, now, come to a bittersweet end. The sweet - I am glad it is over. No more working Saturdays, no more 7 am start times and no more eleven hour days. The bitter - it brings back the strain of very carefully watching my cash flow because there is no more overtime pay.
Now what? I have already started thinking about a second job. Hello JCPenney holiday helper? It’s a possibility. I have family in town who own a small bar. I could always ask for a waitressing job. I’m cute. (Not to be conceited or anything.) I could get some tips even if the service sucks. Which it would. Who am I kidding. I’m no waitress! Ugh.
Somehow, last year, I received a call from the local Muscular Dystrophy Association to participate in their annual lockup fundraiser. That was fine. I did it. I raised about $600. They called again this year. They are sneaky little buggers. The caller ID lists a person’s name, not that they are calling from MDA. So, again, I am roped into attempting to raise money. (Because I can’t say no. It’s my own fault really.) Unfortunately, I am new to this area so raising money through people I know for this area is hard. Though a worthy cause, Muscular Dystrophy is not a cause that I am totally passionate about. I am trying to raise money this year, but it isn’t going so well.
Watch for Higgledy-Piggledy, Take II coming soon!
Friday, September 25, 2009
When I say a quick trip, I literally mean a quick trip. Because I had to be at work on Friday for our biannual professional development day, I was forced to take a later flight Friday night. I arrived in Atlanta, Georgia around 9:30 pm and we had a good hour plus drive to where she actually lives. (I’m told everything is within an hour of Atlanta.) Since we both worked that day (and poor Kels has been shoveling clay all week for a project at work), we both were completely wiped and ready for bed. I also tried to get a late afternoon flight home on Sunday in order to squeeze in as much time with Kelsey as possible, but even a 4:58 flight didn’t seem late enough with having to be to the airport early enough to make it through security and find my way to my gate. I was in Georgia for less than a mere 48 hours. It was totally worth it though.
Ever since I can remember, I have always wanted to be a good aunt. With my sister being 10 years older than me, though, it was kind of hard to be the aunt I wanted to be because I was still growing up when she started having children. Growing up, my life with consumed by the turmoil’s of a teenager with an alcoholic mother and a dad who I knew loved me but felt very distant because he had his own life with my stepmom. I did the best I could attending every birthday, Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner that I could, but it still never felt like it was enough. I’ve always yearned for a close-knit family and I tried to be as close with my sister and her family as I could, but it still never seemed to turn out the way I hoped.
I imagined having the kids over for sleepovers and watching movies and eating popcorn. I imagined being the cool aunt, the fun aunt. I hoped to be a friend they would call when they were in trouble or resisting their parent’s authority. Up until recently, I was so wrapped up in my own problems that I was never able to fully be a part of their lives as I had wanted to be. I never was any of those things that I wanted to be and have carried guilt and regret with me because of it for many years.
To worsen matters, a few years ago I was taken in by my sister and her family to help me through a rough time. It was then that I learned that Kelsey thought that I didn’t like her. I was floored because I loved her dearly, but if I am honest I can say that I know why she may have felt that way. At that time, Kels was becoming her own person. She was in her early teens and she was developing a strong personality. At that point in my life, and even now, I have a hard time dealing with strong personalities. She had strong opinions and was never afraid to voice those opinions and I was having a hard time communicating and relating to her at then. But it was never, never that I didn’t love or like her.
All this to tell you that this is one of the reasons I felt so compelled to make sure this trip happen. I felt , too, it would be important to show Kelsey that she is important. With this being the first time she has been away from her home for such a long time (she’s been there since January), it would show her that she is important to me and to her family by making the time to visit her and taking interest in where her life is going and what that entails. I also believe that it is important to encourage her and support her in the path she feels God is leading her to take.
Ever since Kelsey was a little girl, I have always felt in my heart that she would be a missionary, as did many others. She is, now, living the life of a missionary with very strong convictions regarding how she is to live her life. To watch her grow, develop, become a woman, and become an important voice and example for the Kingdom of God is indescribable. I admire her strength as a person and her passion for God and service to His Kingdom.
These are all things I wanted to tell her while I was there, but I could not muster the strength to do so. I hope she knows how much I love her, support her and admire her. She is a true blessing to my life.
So now that I have shared most of my reasons for visiting my niece in Georgia, I should share with you what my visit entailed.
Saturday morning, we woke up and Kelsey made breakfast. She doesn’t know this, but I hate to cook so I gladly sat back and let her make me breakfast. Eggs, bacon, coffee, and crescent rolls. Scrumdiddly! We got ourselves together and she took me for a tour of her the place where she works and showed me the additional project she took on. (She is planting flowers on a steep hill that is nothing but clay. She is brave, but a very hard worker.) From there we headed to Amicalola Falls State Park. Georgia has gotten a lot of rain recently and that day was no exception. We still decided to venture out into the wilderness of the park regardless of the rain.
We had a nice walk down the path and climbed the steps that took us to the top of Amicalola Falls.
The falls were beautiful.
From the top of the falls looking out and down.
After we came down from the Falls, we headed back to grab some dinner at the Lanier Diner.
They had the most scrumdiddlyumtious looking desserts! (We got some to go.)
After dinner, we stopped at the redbox (http://www.redbox.com/ ) at Wal-Mart (She is truly a frugal chic! She learned it from her mom. I love that about her.) to grab a movie and headed back to her place and settled in for the night.
On Sunday, we got ourselves around and I packed up my things. We loaded the car and headed out for some shopping at the biggest mall in Georgia. We had lunch when we got there because neither of us had had breakfast and we had arrived before the stores had opened. We then perused the mall for a few hours. At that point, it was time for me to head to the airport.
We had some good conversations over the weekend. I think we both learned a few things about each other. I am grateful to have her in my life. She is an inspiration to me. And I hope she knows, truly, how much I love and cherish her.
P.S. Sweet Georgia Brown really has nothing to do with this story. The song is nostalgic for me and it has the word Georgia in the title. That’s all.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
My Friend doesn't understand when I say this but I feel Mr. Skinner is my kind of people. A small town, country boy who is doing the best he can with what he has been given. Coming from a small town where country is a way of life, I felt connected him. Not literally, of course. But a sense of joy came over me to see a country boy representing others like him in such a remarkable way. I only wish that people would stop referring to him as "the chicken catcher". They laugh and mock him and it pisses me off. It may not be a true profession to some and those unfamiliar with farming in general look down and such a job and scoff at it. It’s an honest living and, as cliché as it is, someone has to do it.
Kevin Skinner –
CONGRATULATIONS! You deserve such a blessing in your life!
May you have all your heart desires and may you remain the humble man you started out as forever!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Don't misunderstand. I LOVE thunderstorms. When I'm on the ground. Not flying at 35,000 feet in the air in a metal, winged rocket. Ok, ok. So supposedly planes are struck all the time by lightening and it is no big deal. It is perfectly ok to fly through a storm and it is done all the time. Some even say that the flashes of light disrupting the pilots view and the turbulence are more dangerous than the lightening striking the plane itself. However, turbulence equals barfing (see above).
I truly am not afraid of flying. I really just want everything to go as smoothly as possible. The older I get, the more easily motion causes me to feel woozy. (Don't ask me. I don't know what age has to do with it. Maybe it's just a weird coincidence.) I don't want to get off the plane and be worthless for the rest of the night because I am only there for a short time.
Ah, well, what can anyone really do? Take some Dramamine and hope for the best right?
As I mentioned previously, I am going on a trip. It is going to be a short excursion, a weekend trip, and I am really struggling with packing. I am the kind of person who always prepares for everything, including the most unexpected. My thoughts begin to run wild with all of the what if questions and I lose control and pack everything but the kitchen sink.
What if it gets cold?
What if we go out?
What if I need to dress up?
What if it is extremely hot and I only pack jeans?
What if I need tennis shoes and only take sandals?
What if I start to feel a cold coming on?
What if I get diarrhea?
What if I lose a contact?
What if my hair freaks out (you know, because I have curly hair and it has a mind of its own)?
The weather for my destination currently reads 77 and rain for all three days that I am going to be there. RAIN? Hello humidity! Seriously, do you know what that does to my hair? And that means, possibly, no outdoor activities but…
What if it stops raining and we can play outside?
If the forecast changes (which is always possible) and the rain moves on, that means I can wear sandals instead of closed shoes.
What if I only take closed shoes and the inclement weather subsides and my feet roast off?
See, there are so many what ifs running through my mind. I have to stop and remind myself that I will survive regardless of what I forget or don’t have on hand. I will be fine if I take less. I AM ONLY GOING TO BE GONE 2 DAYS! I fly in Friday night and fly out Sunday afternoon. How many possibilities can there really be and what I don’t have I can borrow or buy. Still, my anxiety intensifies.
As I started making my packing list (I am a list-maker, no doubt about it), I start to wonder why I it always seems like I take ten times more beauty and toiletry items than anything else. (Is this an indication of vanity?) Toiletry items usually take up more than half the space in my suitcase. Is that crazy or what? Look at my list thus far:
- Contact solution
- Contact case
- Soap (I always have to take my own soap because I have sensitive skin and a very sensitive nose.)
- Conditioner (I always take my own because I have temperamental hair.)
- Hair ties (For my temperamental hair because you never know when it will freak out.)
- Hairdryer (with special attachment for my curly hair)
- Face lotion
- Body lotion (I take my own small bottle because I have sensitive skin and it has to be unscented.)
For two days, I will be taking all this stuff! For a trip of any length, I haul all this stuff. This is one of my biggest reservations about going on any type of vacation or weekend getaway is having to lug so many things.
So what is a girl to do? Not care about what I look like and leave all the crap to home? How do I conquer my what ifs and vain ways? Does anyone else have this problem or am I completely off my rocker?
Friday, September 11, 2009
I need to exercise. I want to exercise. I want to be healthy. I want to be fit. I really wish I had a good motivator to work with. I don’t need anyone to tell me what I need to do, I just need someone to stay motivated with who will be as committed to me as I am to them. Oh motivational workout partner, where are you?
I went to a new chiropractor yesterday. What a heavenly place. I feel so much better. My back was bothering me in so many places. My neck in two places – at the top and at the base. This was causing me to have headaches (which I never get) and pain in my right arm and hand. There was also a great deal of pressure between my shoulder blades. I was amazed that the chiropractor was able to adjust that spot. He used a technique that was new to me. I was completely wowed. My lower back was out of whack as well causing numbness in my right leg. Whew! What am mess I am.
The chiropractor reiterated something I had known for a long time. I have one leg that is longer than the other (or one that is shorter than the other, whichever you prefer). So he gave me heel lift to put in my shoe. I have had one of these once before and I know I still have it somewhere. I find the new heel lift to be quite annoying as it is nothing more than some hard rubber that does not fit well or stay put well in any of my shoes. The lift also elevates my foot inside the shoe so much that my shoe actually comes off while walking. What to do, what to do… I will say what I like about it is the relief from pressure in my lower back by making my hips even. Pressure that I didn’t realize was there until it was gone. So I want to continue to use the darn thing, I just need to find a way to keep it in my shoe and to keep my shoe on.
The chiropractor also addressed an issue that I am aware of, but I just haven’t wanted to pay attention to - shoes with lower heels. Ugh! Do you know how completely unfashionable loafer-like shoes are???? I have consciously made decisions about my heeled shoes with a lower heel in mind. This choice is primarily because I have had ACL replacement surgery in my left knee and I am aware of how bad heels are for your knees. So I have slyly tried to compromise by wearing fashionable shoes with lower heels. Truthfully, I know I am kidding myself. I know I am in denial. It’s just that…well…flats seem so unflattering on me. They are cute on other people, but I really like the way a pair of heels elongates the leg, makes me appear taller and makes me feel a little bit more feminine and sexy.
Anyway, after yesterday’s chiropractic adjustment, I went home and slept like a baby. I laid down across the bed around 7:30. I finally decided that I was tired and crawled into bed around 9:00 and slept until 5:30 this morning. I am feeling quite refreshed and I love it.
Speaking of 5:30 in the morning, that is the time that I have risen at least four to five (and sometimes six) days a week since the beginning of July. I am truly becoming a Daytime Night Owl. Though I once cringed at and squawked about getting up before 7:00 am, if I now sleep past 6:00, I feel like I am wasting precious time. Now, don’t get me wrong, I still LOVE to sleep in on the weekends (does Sunday count as the weekend) and I LOVE to stay up late and I still come alive around 11:00 pm, but I have had to force myself into bed early. Early nights and early mornings – that’s my reality for now. I am sure once this extra work is over, I will return to a little bit later schedule. And, if I were perfectly honest, I would tell you that this hasn’t been a solo endeavor. I have only been successful at this because of the help of My Friend with early morning calls and early night bed times impressed upon me. And, for that, I am thankful because I know myself well enough to know that, even now, I don’t think I could force myself out of bed on the days where I am just plain exhausted.
Well, folks, that’s all of the randomness I have for now.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
I received this note from my niece on August 12.
....thinking about you today....hope you are doing well?! i think this might be for you.....Isaiah 40:31 But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. LOVE YOU BUNCHES!!!!! :) You are so special to me!
Nearly a month later, this is still on my mind and on my heart.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
A just because picture to give you something to look at.
- Prison Break
- Little House on the Prairie
- Mork & Mindy
I covet these television series:
- The Walton’s (At one time, I owned a few of these, but they were actually stolen from me.)
- Punky Brewster
- The Facts of Life
- Silver Spoons
- Knight Rider
- The Smurfs
- Bosom Buddies
Cartoons or television series that I’d like to see (but not necessarily own) for nostalgia purposes:
- Fraggle Rock
- Family Ties
- Charles in Charge
- The A-Team
- Family Ties
- Quantum Leap
- Lavern & Shirley
- *My last name*
Some things I hate:
- Clowns (or anyone with clown-looking make up)
- My lack of understanding, prior to college, of the massive amount opportunities available
- When people ask me a bagillion times when I am going to get married, have children, or make them grandparents
- Random chatter
- Loud people
- Small talk
- Smutty television shows
- The color pink
- Blogger formatting (or lack thereof)
Some things I love:
- Mountain Dew
- Good friends
- Patterns (stripes, flowers, number patterns) and geometric shapes (squares, circles, rectangles, triangles)
- Bold colors and earth tone colors
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Great, I thought. Now what?
I tried to be positive. I really did. I went to the door with a smile, greeted her warmly and waited anxiously for her to state her objective. Unfortunately, my suspicions were confirmed as she made her request. She asked if My Friend could park elsewhere leaving this particular space open for her because she’s getting older and it is hard for her to get around and walk that far. And it wouldn’t be for long because they were planning on moving soon.
Now, this is a request that I would ordinarily be more than happy to oblige. Respect for my elders was something I learned a long time ago from my father. Even in this particular instance, I was willing to be open to the possibility of accommodating her request.
That was until I began to close the door and she said, “And not to be mean but we were here first, you know.” WHAT?!? My first thought was, Like mother, like daughter. Neither one of them knows how to be nice or is even slightly interested in being neighborly.
I closed the door and went back upstairs and posed her request to My Friend. He laughed. He felt the same as I. If they weren’t such callous people, would we be happy to be accommodating. The parking lot is an open lot for everyone. Even if My Friend didn’t park in this particular space (it is a crapshoot, really), someone else could and does. Moreover, we each have a parking space in the garage that isn’t 10 feet from their front door. If it is so hard for the 80 year old mother to get around, why isn’t the daughter letting her park in the garage? Umm, hello! I also wonder what this 80 year old woman who is apparently not able to get around well is doing driving in the first place.
Maybe My Friend and I are just as callous and maybe we should take the high road and accommodate the elderly woman’s request. If we did, would it matter? Would the neighbors be nice? Would they be appreciative? I doubt it.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Photos courtesy Daytime Night Owl