I mentioned previously that I had two weeks off for the holiday season. One full week plus down and less than a full week to go. The past week has been hell. H. E. L. L. And not only because of the aforementioned Christmas marathon, but because my brain went into overdrive and started coming up with stupid thoughts about the relationship I left behind nearly seven and a half months ago.
I was perusing the interwebs out of boredom and happened upon a girl's facebook page that I know. This particular girl dates a friend of the ex-boyfriend. Instead of avoiding the page like the plague (I have done my best not to put myself in situations that would tempt me to seek out information about the ex), I clicked on over and was checking out her pictures. Instead of finding pics of her and her boyfriend that I assumed would be there, I found a pic of the ex with his new girlfriend who just happens to be the girl's younger sister. UGH!
I was so not prepared for this discovery. An onslaught of emotions overtook me. I was jealous. I was angry. I was hurt. I was desperate. I tried reaching out to a friend for comfort, but friends have their own lives and thus was unavailable to be sucked into mine. So here I was, home alone, left to deal with this on my own. That has never been a good thing because, like I said, I became desperate. I cried. I cried all day. I sobbed. I sobbed some more. I cried myself to sleep.
This was the eve of Christmas Eve and so it was imperative that I be presentable the next day for the beginning of the Christmas marathon. I tried to hold back my tears but, even at the suggestion that something might be wrong, I broke down for no apparent reason. On Christmas Eve, I awoke with puffy eyes. I used make-up to try to mask it and I did my best to shove my emotions aside and get through, but I still cried a couple of times.
I pushed on through the next few days even though with every moment of silence came thoughts of him. I began to believe that I was missing him. I would draft letters in my head of apologies. I wondered what would happen if I text him. I thought about calling. I came across a note he left right before I moved and we broke up. It says, "If you get lonely or bored at your new place, just remember that I am thinking of you so you are not really alone. I love you always." And another that said, "I miss you already". I started wondering if he really was missing me.
This is the point where, in the past, I would act out of desperation and do some of those things. I would text him, I would call him, I would accidentally on purpose cross paths with him. But this time, my head is control and I know I can't.
One of my best girlfriends had called me the day that I began having this breakdown and reminded me that it's ok to feel this way. I want him to be happy in life, but I don't. I want him to find someone to make him happy, but I don't. I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to have him. She reminded me that it's ok to feel this way and it will eventually fade in time. Lots and lots of time. She also reminded me that, in the twelve years that we dated (on and off again constantly), he had never changed. He wasn't going to change. We don't even really believe that he's capable of changing. His lifestyle and my lifestyle did not mesh. At all. He is super social, he likes to sit around with the guys daily and drink beer and tell the same stories fifty times over, he is ok with and wants someone to live at home with his parents with him, he is carefree and lives spontaneously. I CANNOT do any of that. I am not social. I hate sitting around and making small talk and telling stories. I am very independent and I like to make plans and keep them and be able to depend on my partner for that too. And it isn't fair for either of us to ask the other to change the way they are for the other person.
I have to keep telling myself that I did this for him too. I know he couldn't have been happy either. He was comfortable and content having me in his life, but he couldn't have been truly happy. We hardly spent any time together (which could have been fine with him as he liked to be with the boys). I hate his hobbies, he hated mine. I told him that he needed to find someone who actually enjoyed doing the things that he liked to do because I didn't. And even when I tried to show interest in the things he enjoyed, he still wouldn't include me. I tried every which way I could think of.
Suffice it to say, for the first time ever, my brain is winning over my emotions. And I'm sure all of my family and friends who have encouraged me to make the break and repeatedly told me, as patiently and kindly as they could, that this relationship wasn't the right thing for me and I deserved so much more in life, will be happy to hear that. Though I am still troubled with thoughts and holding back tears now and then, I know that I need to stay on the path that I am on.
I wonder how it is that I can be so distraught over this right now and yet my life is so calm and peaceful right now. That is something I have been striving for. Maybe it is old tendencies taking over. As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) or a co-dependent, I have a tendency to recreate the chaos of the life I knew growing up. Is it possible that I am inadvertently creating this emotional turmoil in my life because my life is so calm?
All I can figure right now, is that I want to push through the rest of this week so I don't have time to just sit around and think. Getting back to work will give me something to focus on. I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of being sad and worrying about other people and if what I have done to them is somehow detrimental to their emotional well-being. I am ready to keep moving forward.