I Survived

This past week was the county fair in the Town Left Behind.  I usually work the fair booth for my employer and help my mom with some catering events on the fair grounds.  I always have anxiety about who I will run into.  

The first night I worked, My Friend sat with me at the fair booth. I was a bit anxious.  I don’t like people in that town knowing my business. I try to steer clear of all personal aspects of my life when I’m there.  

The night went by rather seamlessly.  It rained. A lot. So there were very few people in attendance. Having My Friend there made the time pass quickly and actually helped me forget my apprehension.

My second fair shift was scheduled for Saturday morning.  I like the morning shift. It was pretty slow, as anticipated, until around noon. 

My shift ended at 1 o’clock.  I was to call my mom then to see what she needed my help with and when and where I should be meeting her.  She asked me if Nellie (the Boy Left Behind’s daughter) would be helping us.  I was supposed to figure this out prior to now, but decided I didn’t feel like dealing with the Boy Left Behind after an antagonistic comment he made in the last text I had received from him a few weeks prior.  I told my mom this and she was fine with it.  I hung up the phone, turned the corner and headed toward the front gate to my car.  Lo and behold, I run into Nellie, the Boy Left Behind and his second child’s mother. (Seriously, I want to refer to her as “the baby momma,” but I know in my head that it’s not appropriate.  She’s young and unsuspecting and I feel in my heart that she will, one day, figure out that he has nothing to offer her.  But anyway…)

It’s been over two years now since the Boy Left Behind and I parted ways.  I’ve been dreading this moment for two years.  I have played out numerous scenarios in my head, the things I would say, the way I would feel.  None of that ever came to fruition.  My heart never even skipped a beat!

I walked right up (there was really no avoiding each other), gave Nellie a big hug and said that my mom and I were just talking about her. I asked if she wanted to help us back stage at the Josh Turner concert and she squealed.  Duh!  Silly me!  Of course, her dad had to play hard ball with the we’ll see act. Whatever.  

(Nellie backstage, yo.)

I had full intentions of introducing myself to his baby momma (Oops. Dang it!), but she wouldn’t even look my direction.  The Boy Left Behind pleaded with me with his eyes to let him be on his way so I made sure to chat it up with Nellie a little bit longer.  (It’s evil of me, I know.)  I gave Nellie one last big hug and went on my way.

I was surprised, as I was walking away and in the moments shortly after the encounter, that my mind did not run off racing with millions of thoughts.  I wasn’t obsessing about any of it.  It took a second for all that to sink in and, then, I gave myself a big ole pat on the back.  I survived.  It was a heck of a lot easier (for me) than I had ever imagined it would be.  

I’m healing (sort of).  I’m stronger than ever before (for sure).  I survived.

Sisters

I mentioned once, briefly, that my sister and I haven’t spoken in over two years.  At least, we haven’t shared more than niceties at holiday dinners and the like.  At my niece’s graduation, she hugged me goodbye and held me with a death grip as she began to sob.  She whispered in my ear that she missed her sister and that she wished we could get together to talk.  Not knowing what to say at that exact moment, I said I’d call her and we’d have coffee or something.  

Well, some time went by and I received a random email from her (just a pic of my brother-in-law and a bust he made).  I decided to reply to it and see if she wanted to set up a date to get together. We settled on a date and we met up last weekend at a coffee house.  I purposely picked a neutral place in a neutral town so we could be on impartial territory without interruption.  

When I arrived (it took me 10 minutes to park because neither of us realized that there was an apple festival going on that day), we ordered coffee and grabbed a table.  For the first three hours (THREE HOURS), we chatted about her three kids, our dad, family, our moms, etc.  When we realized it was nearing closing time, we decided it was time to face the elephant in the room.  

Facing the issue and talking about it was actually the shortest part of our 4+ hour conversation.  It was surprisingly easy to say what we needed to say, explain what needed explanation, apologize and move on.  I’m glad we did it. I’m glad that we have made amends.  

Now, we wait and see if sisters can actually be sisters.  Time will tell if we can be friends instead of her being the big sister (she’s 10 years older) who feels responsible for my well-being and wants to mother me and me being the rebellious kid who defies everything she says.  Keeping my fingers crossed.

Making amends is a great thing. It’s freeing to the soul.  If you have things that have gone unsaid with someone in your life, making the effort to forgive and mend the relationship is worth it.   Sometimes it does take time to get over things or come to a place of forgiveness, but it feels mighty good when you reach that point.

 (Unfortunately, I shouldn't show you her face, but this was the best picture together we've ever had and it was unintentional. This was a few years and about 15 lbs ago.)

On this day

In 2001, I witnessed my first real, memorable tragedy.  It was the first historical event that I actually recall. 

I was living with my dad and his wife at the time.  I had just gotten up and was getting a bowl of cereal before work.  As was the norm, the radio in the kitchen was on.  As I was pouring my cereal, the radio announcer was saying that the World Trade Center had been bombed.  To be completely honest, I had no idea what the World Trade Center or the Twin Towers were.  I didn't have an inkling of the magnitude of what I had just heard. 

I went downstairs and told my dad about the "bombing."  His face was immediately wrought with worry and I instantly became aware that this was bigger than I realized.  My dad, you see, was a Vietnam Vet. It's not something he talks about, but his commitment to our country is unwavering.  I had never witnessed the look on his face that he had that day.

As I sat down on the couch, my dad turned the TV on.  We sat together watching the events unfold.  We watched as they played and replayed the second plane crashing into the Twin Towers.  We watched as the plane crashed into the Pentagon and as the news of the forth plane crashing in Pennsylvania was delivered.  We watched as the towers came crashing down.  Even as I watched, I don't think I understood the magnitude of it all.  The lives that were lost.  The number of people who lost loved ones.  The efforts of the fireman, police, military, emergency workers, and your everyday, average person.  I will never forget that day. 

My thoughts and prayers go out to all those whose lives have been affected by 9/11 and to all those who work so hard protecting our country and freedom each and everyday.

Broken

This quote sums up the tears in my eyes and how I feel today:

You don't die from a broken heart - you only wish you did.

~Anonymous

Thanking my body

After a month or so of self-loathing, I wanted to reach out and hug myself last night.  For several months now, I have been working out regularly. I have felt the difference in my body. I can actually feel the strong muscles underneath a little layer of cushion. Even still, I wasn't happy.  I wasn't seeing the difference in my waistline, hips and thighs and that led to me feeling defeated. 

Last night, I did my usual workout.  And I've decided that running has worked for me in the past to trim my waistline so, after the workout, I hopped on the treadmill.  I have some Couch to 5k workouts taped the the treadmill. I don't know which weeks they are though.  So I just picked one and went for it.  Turns out, I picked week 3.  AND it was so easy!

The last time I tried doing the C25K program, it took me five weeks to work up to week 3.  This is how I know that my body is transforming. Running has never felt so easy for me.  Getting my body in shape and toning muscles first has really seemed to help in other forms of exercise. 

I was really very proud of myself last night. I even amped up the speed on the last running interval and it didn't even phase me. It felt good. OMW! Did I just say that?

So, for now, I'm going to ride the high that I got from being so proud of how my body has transformed. Thank you very much body!

(And if anyone wants recommendations for in home DVDs, hit me up. With an initial investment of about $20, you can do what I've been doing.)

Fit to be Fit

Nearly three months ago, I started exercising with a friend of a friend.  Each night after work, we meet up at my landlord's (who has a spacious garage, of sorts), put in a workout DVD (workout DVDs have come a long way since Jane Fonda) and work up a good sweat and some sore muscles.  

We really went at it hardcore for the first few weeks.  But Tracy, my friend's friend, starting showing signs that it was time to take a day or two off.  So we did. Sometimes it really helps to take a few days off. We were going at it so hard every single day that we overworked ourselves.  We picked right back up and continued to go hard 5-6 days a week.

Since summer has started to finally set in, though, we've gotten off kilter.  I'm hoping to pick back up here in the next few days and really start hitting it hard again.  The thing is, at this point, we really need to change up the routine. We have several DVDs that we rotate, but they've all become pretty routine and I feel very little change taking place.

At this point, I also really need to reevaluate my goals.  I started out wanting to be healthy and fit.  I wanted to feel stronger, have better posture and start fitting back into last summer's clothes.  It's funny how I can be meeting the majority of those goals and, yet, one goal that I seem to not be meeting is bringing me way down.

I've been in dire need of some new dress pants for work. (I need jeans too, but I spend 5 out of 7 days at work so, really, I can get by with 1 or 2 pair of jeans.)  I literally have three pair of dress pants (that I can fit into) that I rotate throughout the 5 day week.  Pants are really hard for me to find.  I have a full derrière, full thighs and some saddlebags.  All features I'm fine with until it comes to shopping for pants.  It has been at least three years since I shopped for pants. I hate it!

I've tried curvy fit pants and they are way too baggy in the aforementioned regions. Regular fit are too tight.  I've tried different brands and different styles.  I finally went on a mini pant-finding mission with a friend from work and bought three new pairs of pants IN THE SAME COLORS I ALREADY HAVE!  That was discouraging because I was really hoping to find some summery pants, not black, brown and gray.  To add to my displeasure, I had to go up, yet, another size. 

And that, my friends, has brought me into the biggest pity party imaginable.  I KNOW that exercise takes time.  I KNOW that I am feeling stronger. I can actually feel muscles people!  My posture is better, I can feel it.  I've progressed in my workouts. I have increased endurance and stamina.  But I still have this growing tire around my middle and it is driving me batty.  

I've surely gained 20 pounds in the last few years. I'm not obese or even fat by any means. I know this.  I'm not trying to compare myself or my weight to anyone else.  I just don't feel like me. I am a puffy, uncomfortable version of myself and it's on my mind constantly.  I am continually trying to find the outfit to hide it all which is burdensome.  A state of self-loathing has set in.  

I've dealt with years of anorexic behavior (it's amazing the images our minds perceive when looking in that mirror that are so unreal) and I promised never to go back to that. I have undoubtedly screwed up my entire system because of it.  I've actually grown very fond of eating. LOL  I know the next steps in my journey need to be a change in eating habits along with exercise to be completely successful.  Add in some positive thinking and reinforcement.  

Working out daily after work is tough. Things like a tidy and clean house suffer.  It takes a lot of time to come home, change your clothes, do the actual workout, shower and then fix dinner, eat and clean up. You're entire evening is shot.  I start thinking of all the things that need to be done and aren't getting done and I start to want to cut back on my workouts and am constantly thinking of how they are impeding on my evening.  I can't think like that.  

I am determined to stick with it even though my mind wants to tell me that it's not doing any good.  Another visit to Mexico is around the corner and I was hoping to be in beach shape, but it's not likely I'll even be down to the same size I was last year.  I am also going to make changes to my eating habits.  Today I drank the last Mountain Dew in my house.  I want to be done letting it control me. That sounds so stupid, but it's true.  I'm going to do some research and figure out the right way to eat and make a plan.  This is hard for me. I hate spending time doing this type of thing, but I want to see results and the only way to do that is to put forth the effort.  I need to kick it in gear because I'm fit to be fit.

6/6/11 Random Thoughts

I find myself often wishing for different skills or gifts that I admire in others.  Wishing I were better at planning ahead. Better at organizing.  More motivated.  Wishing that I enjoyed gardening instead of knowing that I might take the initiative to start one then knowing it would grow over with weeds.  Wishing I could pick out my outfits on Sunday for the whole week. Wishing I could actually be on time for work everyday.  Wishing I had better cooking skills. Wishing I were more witty and clever.  Wishing I were less socially awkward. Wishing I could strike up a conversation with anyone. Wishing I were more caring about others.

I often wish for family relationships that see in those around me.  A better relationship with my dad. A closer connection with my mom. A friendship with my sister.  Wishing my family actually enjoyed each others company instead of dreading seeing one another.  Wishing my family would take trips together instead of always saying it's too much of a hassle to even drive an hour to see one another or we're too busy to pick up the phone to call.  Wishing my family were capable of having fun together instead of suffering through a holiday meal.

I often wonder if I will regret my decision to not have children when it's too late. I wonder if this relationship is right for me, if it's the best one there is for me.  (I have dreams and imagine so much more.)  I wonder will I regret not doing everything in my power to travel or live abroad like I've always wanted to do.  I wonder how much I will regret not finding a different job and sticking with the one I have out of fear. I wonder if I will kick myself for allowing fear to take over my life. I wonder if I will ever get beyond feeling too afraid to feel.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to allow myself to feel vulnerable again. I wonder if I will ever have it in me to cry and feel the pain of loss when those times come.

I thought I had come so far, but all of these thoughts consume me daily and it tells me that I've fallen backward.

Brazillian

No, I'm not talking waxing here.  I could, but I won't.

I am always logged into one or two messengers throughout the day (usually ICQ and Yahoo!), but it's not any big deal really. There's never anyone to talk to.  Yesterday, however, a little notification popped up telling me Dani was online. I was so giddy I almost peed myself. Seriously. 

Dani was an exchange student from Brazil when I was in 10th or 11th grade. She and I became great friends.  She has only been able to come back to the U.S. to visit once since that time and I rarely am able to talk with her.  It's literally been years.  So when she came online yesterday, I was estatic.

We chatted for quite a while. What I love about Dani is that she and I can usually pick right up where we left off without hesitation.  She's funny and straight forward and I just love that. 

Naturally, we talked about wanting to visit in person.  I got online and started checking to see how much a ticket to Brazil would be. Holy hell!  I could fly half way around the world for less than a ticket to Brazil.  What on Earth?  It was very depressing. 

I don't know what to do for sure.  So many friends live so far away and I'd love to visit all of them.  It seems so unrealistic though.  I need some frequent flyer miles or something. But, I suppose I'd actually have to go place to accumulate any.  Ugh.  What does one do?

Entering the 21st Century (and a rant)

When we moved at the end of June last year into a very small cabin-like home, I decided to store my big, very old and bulky PC and forgo internet service.  It wasn't a big deal to me because I had access to the internet at work and I've "gone without" similar luxuries before (3 years without any kind of television service). After nine months without an internet connection at home, I finally caved.  And not only did I finally have internet service at home, but I also bought a new laptop (which I love!!!) with the help of my techie BFF.

I decided to make my way back into the realm of the 21st century, not because I was having withdrawals and couldn't live without it, but because it was frustrating that every time we wanted to look something up we couldn't.  Every time we wanted to check a bank balance or try to make vacation plans or look for ideas to redo the closet, we had to either bug someone else or do it after work.  It was inconvenient.

For me, it is still a tough adjustment.  I hate paying so much for internet service. I hate paying for a lot of things though. =)  Particularly, where we live (in the boonies), there are very few options for internet service providers. There is no real competition. You either take what you can get or you don't get. 

I also find myself wasting a lot of time checking Facebook and checking my email (and I get very few emails of substance from friends and family).  The internet can certainly be addicting, as is television (one of the reasons I didn't have it before and would prefer not to have it now).  So, I'm going to try to make a pact with myself to be productive when online and limit my internet play time. 

Now, I'm considering a new phone. My phone is very outdated and is a flip-phone.

**Pausing for laughter**

My tech savvy BFF is pointing me in the direction of an Andriod phone.  It's so very frustrating though.  Not only are they expensive to buy, but you get locked into this 2-year contract with your service provider (in this case, Verizon and formerly Alltel which I liked a great deal better) and you have to pay an arm and a leg for an additional data plan.  Let's not forget that I'm already paying a small fortune for a phone plan for minutes that I hardly use because of my Friends & Family numbers (people you can call without using your minutes), but without that specific plan, I don't have the Friends and Family numbers.  Not to mention that, because I live in the boonies and rely on my cell phone at home, I have limited service in my area so I have to stick with this service provider because others have very spotty service here.  I would think, by now, these cell phone companies could get their act together and actually provide service everywhere (or maybe they can and just don't).  What a crock!  It seems no matter what it is today (internet, cell phones, satellite/cable, gasoline), you have very few actual choices as the consumer.  The service providers get you coming and going.  It just pisses me off and that is why I have avoided for so long taking the plunge.

Eventually, I will have to decide what to do because my phone is truly on it's last leg. I just hate the added cost of all of it.  I am slowly re-entering the 21st Century though.  One step at a time.

Morning cocktail

This is my morning cocktail -

I wake up every day and take these 10 pills. I then drink 10 oz of water mixed with OxyDHQ.  Throughout the rest of the day, I take an additional 8 pills and drink another 10 oz of water mixed with OxyDHQ.  On top of that, I am drinking 70-80 oz of water a day.  I feel like a floating pill popper.  

This pill popping won’t last forever.  I will be done with six of the ten morning pill cocktail by the end of the week, but that is after three months of taking that particular pill.  This, however, assumes that my test results come back saying that the pills have done what we have hoped to the extent that we want.  I have not been given a timeline on the rest of the pills yet, but downing twelve pills a day instead of eighteen will be great.

All of this is part of my regimen given by the Out of Pocket doctor.  All of the pills and liquids and creams and gels that I take or use are natural.  The Ionic Detoxification foot baths that I have been doing are a holistic method to rid one’s body of toxins. 

 

Overall, I have been feeling great.  I am trying to exercise patience, but I am ready for the final result. I want to be completely fixed NOW.  I know that that is not a reasonable expectation so I am striving to maintain a positive outlook even though my pocket book is really beginning to feel the effects of this Out of Network experience.  All the pills, creams, gels, drinks, time and money are going to be worth it in the long run.  I just know it.

Neglect

I've completely neglected most of my goals for 2011.  I usually do not like to commit things in writing (hello commitaphobe) which  is why I haven't shared my goals with anyone anywhere.  I suppose it's the fear of disappointing people if I don't attain a goal which, as part of the whole codependent thing, can be detrimental to my self-esteem.  Or, at least, it has been in the past.  One of my goals was to write more here. Obviously I haven't done so well.

It isn't that I don't like to write. I've found that I spend a lot of time carefully choosing my words and being careful not to rock the boat.  I have a tendency to say things without thinking of their ramifications or who it might hurt or how it might impact others so it's easier to not say anything at all.  This is tedious and nerve-wracking, especially for me.  Anymore, I avoid things that cause me anxiety so I've been avoiding this place. 

I also find myself thinking that writing here is kind of pointless.  What is there to say that the people that I know read don't already know?  Also there's that element of exposure. I've always kept my deepest thoughts, fears and secrets to myself. Not even my best friend in the whole world knows my deep, dark secrets.  Fear of rejection? Fear of not being accepted?  A deep seeded fear caused by those close to me leaking my secrets to a high school friend's mom causing years of torment and torture.  Or fear caused by a drunken mother's inability to keep things to herself and then torturing you in a drunken rage by throwing it all back in your teenage face.  It's all embedded deep down in there and I don't know how to let it all go.

I'll try harder.    And just for good measure...

2011 Goals

• Write more on my blog
• Drink water
• Drink less Mt. Dew
• Exercise, exercise, exercise
• Incorporate something for me into my life (another codependency issue) - a class, time for myself, reading, making time for those who are important to me
• Go to church

I've given you the generic version. The goals in my head are a little more specific, but I thought this would be a good start.

Dave Ramsey asks, "Would you fire you?"

I usually do not discuss politics or things of that nature with many people and especially not in public settings, but I think about this concept a lot. Particularly because I'm an accountant and I see a lot of wasted money and poor money management practices.  I am also concerned because my generation and those after me stand to suffer a great deal due to the mismanagement of finances.  (Don’t get me wrong. I don’t expect the government to manage my money, but we aren’t really given a choice in some instances.) So here's my philosophy (stolen from Dave Ramsey really) on governmental money management practices.

---------------------------------------------

Governments and businesses should consider this Dave Ramsey scenario: "If you work for a company called You Incorporated, and your job was to manage money for You Incorporated and you manage money for You Incorporated the same way you manage money for you now, would you fire you?"

Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. (Willy Wonka)

If you managed your money they way you manage the government’s (the people’s) money or the business’s money now, would you fire you?

Nellie

Even though I complain about many aspects of my job, one of the perks, thanks to our union contract, is the excessive amount of time we get off around Christmas and New Years.  Technically, its two days for Christmas (plus Christmas Eve and Christmas Day) and three days for New Year’s (plus New Year’s Eve and New Year’s day).  So it ends up being a good week and a half of paid time off away from work.

I had great plans for my time off this year.  Lots of cleaning and meeting up with people I hardly ever get to see.  All plans were squashed, though, when I came down with a sore throat turned serious sinus crap the day after Christmas.  I laid on the couch for a whole week canceling plans and additional Christmas gatherings.  It sucked.  I was most disappointed, though, about having to cancel on my best girl in the whole world Nellie.

Nellie is The Boy Left Behind’s fifteen year old daughter.  Nellie has been part of my life (and I hers) since she was a year and a half old.  I love that girl as if she were my own child.  I’ve spent a good deal of the last 14 years helping to raise her. I feel like I have gone through much of what most parents’ experience.  I’ve changed diapers, made bottles, gave baths, dressed, chased, disciplined, got up in the middle of the night, kissed boo-boos, hugged out hurt feelings and broken hearts, stayed up all night and held her hair back while she threw up, stayed home with her when she was sick, took her to school when she missed the bus, took her to the emergency room, doctor visits, gone to soccer, basketball and volleyball games, dance recitals, had heart to hearts and sex and period talks, played, laughed and cried.  All the things that parents do.  So, when The Boy Left Behind and I broke up, my heart ached for what it may mean for my relationship with Nellie. 

It’s taken some time, but I had no doubt that I would be able to see Nellie. If nothing else, I give some credit to The Boy Left Behind because he knows that I love her and am good to her and he would never keep me from her.  Nellie and I have text a lot and, in the Fall, I was able to go to a volleyball game.  Over my holiday break, we were planning for her to come and stay the night, but I got sick and all of our plans were squashed.  However, this past weekend, I was able to make arrangements with The Boy Left Behind and I picked her up on Saturday.  We had a GREAT time together.  We were able to talk, be silly, laugh and we spent a lot of time crying.  I miss that so much.  Nellie even got her first pedicure ever.  It was hilarious because she’s extremely ticklish and the pedicurist was quite the comedian.

Nellie is having a rough go of things right now.  She and her mom argue and fight a lot.  My understanding is that that is somewhat normal for a girl her age and it happens in a lot of households, but I have nothing to base this on because my mom was an absent alcoholic at this time in my life so I was pretty much on my own.  Nellie also struggles with everything surrounding her dad and his girlfriend having a baby and some issues that go way, way back.  I feel so helpless.  I just want to be able to take her away and make it all better, but I can’t.  The best I can do is be there for her, try to help her through it, and offer the best guidance I can while still allowing her to make decisions for herself.  The amazing thing about all of this is that she shows such emotional maturity about so many things. She’s definitely more emotionally intelligent than I was at even 25 in some respects.  It’s just so sad to watch and know that there is absolutely nothing I can do.  But I also know that my struggles in life made me who I am and, possibly, a better person.  I just pray that she becomes a better person for all of her struggles and doesn’t, at some point, get lost trying find sanity, safety, security and love in all the wrong places.

Since Nellie's birthday is in December, I got her a little something too.  I'm glad I did because she later told me how she cried when her dad and I broke up because she was afraid she'd never see me again.  The engraving on this necklace is often called The Adoption Poem, but I felt it suited our relationship perfectly.

 

I just can't help myself. I love that kid!