It isn't that I don't like to write. I've found that I spend a lot of time carefully choosing my words and being careful not to rock the boat. I have a tendency to say things without thinking of their ramifications or who it might hurt or how it might impact others so it's easier to not say anything at all. This is tedious and nerve-wracking, especially for me. Anymore, I avoid things that cause me anxiety so I've been avoiding this place.
I also find myself thinking that writing here is kind of pointless. What is there to say that the people that I know read don't already know? Also there's that element of exposure. I've always kept my deepest thoughts, fears and secrets to myself. Not even my best friend in the whole world knows my deep, dark secrets. Fear of rejection? Fear of not being accepted? A deep seeded fear caused by those close to me leaking my secrets to a high school friend's mom causing years of torment and torture. Or fear caused by a drunken mother's inability to keep things to herself and then torturing you in a drunken rage by throwing it all back in your teenage face. It's all embedded deep down in there and I don't know how to let it all go.
I'll try harder. And just for good measure...
- Write more on my blog
- Drink water
- Drink less Mt. Dew
- Exercise, exercise, exercise
- Incorporate something for me into my life (another codependency issue) - a class, time for myself, reading, making time for those who are important to me
- Go to church