Morning cocktail

This is my morning cocktail -

I wake up every day and take these 10 pills. I then drink 10 oz of water mixed with OxyDHQ.  Throughout the rest of the day, I take an additional 8 pills and drink another 10 oz of water mixed with OxyDHQ.  On top of that, I am drinking 70-80 oz of water a day.  I feel like a floating pill popper.  

This pill popping won’t last forever.  I will be done with six of the ten morning pill cocktail by the end of the week, but that is after three months of taking that particular pill.  This, however, assumes that my test results come back saying that the pills have done what we have hoped to the extent that we want.  I have not been given a timeline on the rest of the pills yet, but downing twelve pills a day instead of eighteen will be great.

All of this is part of my regimen given by the Out of Pocket doctor.  All of the pills and liquids and creams and gels that I take or use are natural.  The Ionic Detoxification foot baths that I have been doing are a holistic method to rid one’s body of toxins. 

 

Overall, I have been feeling great.  I am trying to exercise patience, but I am ready for the final result. I want to be completely fixed NOW.  I know that that is not a reasonable expectation so I am striving to maintain a positive outlook even though my pocket book is really beginning to feel the effects of this Out of Network experience.  All the pills, creams, gels, drinks, time and money are going to be worth it in the long run.  I just know it.

Neglect

I've completely neglected most of my goals for 2011.  I usually do not like to commit things in writing (hello commitaphobe) which  is why I haven't shared my goals with anyone anywhere.  I suppose it's the fear of disappointing people if I don't attain a goal which, as part of the whole codependent thing, can be detrimental to my self-esteem.  Or, at least, it has been in the past.  One of my goals was to write more here. Obviously I haven't done so well.

It isn't that I don't like to write. I've found that I spend a lot of time carefully choosing my words and being careful not to rock the boat.  I have a tendency to say things without thinking of their ramifications or who it might hurt or how it might impact others so it's easier to not say anything at all.  This is tedious and nerve-wracking, especially for me.  Anymore, I avoid things that cause me anxiety so I've been avoiding this place. 

I also find myself thinking that writing here is kind of pointless.  What is there to say that the people that I know read don't already know?  Also there's that element of exposure. I've always kept my deepest thoughts, fears and secrets to myself. Not even my best friend in the whole world knows my deep, dark secrets.  Fear of rejection? Fear of not being accepted?  A deep seeded fear caused by those close to me leaking my secrets to a high school friend's mom causing years of torment and torture.  Or fear caused by a drunken mother's inability to keep things to herself and then torturing you in a drunken rage by throwing it all back in your teenage face.  It's all embedded deep down in there and I don't know how to let it all go.

I'll try harder.    And just for good measure...

2011 Goals

• Write more on my blog
• Drink water
• Drink less Mt. Dew
• Exercise, exercise, exercise
• Incorporate something for me into my life (another codependency issue) - a class, time for myself, reading, making time for those who are important to me
• Go to church

I've given you the generic version. The goals in my head are a little more specific, but I thought this would be a good start.