Moving forward

Life has been a whirlwind since moving out on my own at the beginning of February.  I have been having so much fun that very little has been done to unpack boxes and organize my home.  I have spent time with my sister, evenings with friends, I've gone to parties, and spent a weekend in Traverse City.  I have also been talking to someone and spending some time with that person.  That last one isn't something that I have exactly gone public with, but I write it to share the self-discovery that I have had.

I have spent a great deal of time healing from a past relationship.  Never ever thinking I would fully get over it.  Meanwhile, I was in a relationship that wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either.  I have always wanted to be in a relationship that made me feel as though I wanted to be a better person. I wanted a relationship where I could thrive and we, as a couple, could thrive together.  One that allowed for each others personalities and quirks.  One that appreciated the uniqueness of each individual.  A relationship where there is mutual respect and trust, communication, similar interests and interest in one another. 

The relationship that I just ended was so not any of those things.  What makes me angry, though, is that I didn't take notice. I mean, that's the point of all of the counseling that I've done. To be able to recognize when my needs are not being met, to know when something is unhealthy, yet I did not realize it fully until I was away from it.  In addition to that, more realization came when I met someone who treats me the way I want, need and deserve to be treated. 

What is also upsetting is that I am finding that I have insecurities that have developed over the past 2+ years due to someone else's insecurities or issues.  I am self-conscious about things based on allowing another person to project their ideas or issues onto me.

Let me give you an example so you can understand what I mean.

On some Saturdays, I love to lay around and be lazy. I like to stay in my pjs and not shower or put make up on or do my  hair.  I get up a minimum of five days a week and do my hour and a half morning routine and I get tired of doing it.  So I should be able to take a day off from that and just be myself, yes? 

Well, in this last relationship, there were comments about how his ex wouldn't get up and shower on a given day and he'd be like, "What the hell? Aren't you going to do something with yourself today?"  He wouldn't necessarily say it aloud, but he'd think it. He was also sure to tell me about it. Repeatedly.  And he'd jokingly (we know that most of what people say jokingly, there is usually some truth to, right?) make comments if he came home from work on Saturday and I hadn't gotten myself showered, dressed and made up.  Eventually, I began to feel the pressure of having to go through my morning routine seven days a week. This is not relaxing for me. It's stressful.  And I allowed this to take over.  I allowed this to happen. I didn't allow myself to be me nor was I with someone who was accepting of me.


What is wrong with this picture???

I am very frustrated with myself for having allowed myself to go through this. Again!  All I can do at this point is be more aware in the future.  Pay attention to my gut. Listen to what my inner voice is telling me.  Move forward. 

I just don't know how to listen to that inner voice. What advice do you have? How do you recognize that inner voice when it talks to you? How do you notice when something really isn't right? What am I missing?

Moving out

I mentioned in my last post that many changes were coming in 2012.  One of those changes being My Friend and I going our separate ways after a little over 2 1/2 years.  I'm moving out.  I signed a lease on an apartment of my own.  I have the key in my hand.  I am 100% moved. I'm scared, excited, nervous and tired.  I'm so tired.

The break up has been fairly amicable.  My Friend has been understanding and helpful.  He says he wants me to be happy.  I'm glad things have gone fairly smoothly. It's still hard and many tears have been shed.  But I know in my heart that this is for the best.  It's best for me. It's probably best for him too.

There are so many emotions to deal with all at the same time.  All of the emotions that come with a break up.  And there are some major emotions and fears that come with being on my own.  The point of me moving 2 1/2 years ago was to be on my own and things happened and it didn't work out like I planned. I was prepared then. I had planned for it. I had mentally gotten myself ready. Now? I'm not sure.

What I am sure of, though, is that I need this. I am in my 30s and I have never really been alone. Living on my own, alone.  It's going to take some work on my part to not allow myself to hibernate, holed up in my place by myself all the time.  That is so bad for me and that is my worst fear.  Sitting home, alone having a pity party for my lonely self.  It can't happen.

I'm excited. Sort of. Not as excited as people expect me to be. They keep asking. I know they mean well, but I'm so tired of responding to that question. And what's the plan? When are you moving? Do you have this? Do you have that?  What are you going to do about a bed? You can't sleep on the couch.  Why, actually, yes I can. And I am. And I'm loving it.

So far, so good.  I've been keeping fairly busy and I'm not even close to being settled and organized. I was able to finally organize my kitchen, but the rest is a mess. And it's likely to stay that way for a while. I'm ok with that. It's mine and I can be as messy as I want to be and I love it!

Cheers to moving forward!  I'm celebrating my new-found freedom.  Won't you join me?

I've been so quiet

Wow! It has been quite a while since I have written anything at all. It appears that I've nearly abandoned this blog.  Not so. I think about things to write all of the time. It always seems to come out fine when I'm writing it in my head on my commute home, but when I actually sit down to tap it out on my keyboard, I come up blank.

A lot happened in the last few months of 2011.  There were weddings, vacations, hockey games, new friends, parties, etc.  All things that are blog worthy.  But, there's no point in looking back I guess. We've entered a new year with new things happening.  There are a number of significant changes coming in 2012 and I'm excited. And nervous. And excited.  But that's what change is supposed to be, right?

I feel like I should be making New Year's resolutions or setting goals. I'm never good at doing that. Many people are adamant that you should have goals for your life.  You should set small, attainable goals then big goals.  I don't know if it's the commitaphobe in me or what, but I hate setting goals. I never pay attention to the goals I set anyway. I do what comes to me. I do what I want to do.  I do what I need to do. I do what comes to mind.  This seems a bit contradictory to my normal way of functioning considering that I don't like it when plans suddenly change. I don't adapt well. I like to know what lies ahead of me for the day and I don't like abrupt changes. But, it is what it is.

I do have some things I'd like to do this year, but I haven't really spent too much time thinking about it.

I'd like to do something awesome like skydiving. Or go zip lining again! (Oh, I didn't tell you about that. Maybe later)
I'd like to visit my friend in Florida who I have been promising for a couple of years that I'd come visit.
I'd like to blog more and be more interesting. I don't know how to do this though.
I'd like to be more positive, especially toward the people I work with and some of my family members.
I'd like to go to church. (This was a resolution last year and I kick myself regularly over this one. I hate finding a church though. I hate the whole process!)
I'd like to build a good nest egg. As good as a single person can build on their own.
I'd like to give a few family members my whole-hearted, honest opinion on a few things like how they are so very wrong about other family members.
I'd like to go back to counseling to work out a few more things.

Wow, I guess I have thought about it more than I realized.  These are all things I'd like to do. It doesn't mean that they'll necessarily happen.  Regardless, I'm looking forward to new things in 2012. What about you?

I Survived

This past week was the county fair in the Town Left Behind.  I usually work the fair booth for my employer and help my mom with some catering events on the fair grounds.  I always have anxiety about who I will run into.  

The first night I worked, My Friend sat with me at the fair booth. I was a bit anxious.  I don’t like people in that town knowing my business. I try to steer clear of all personal aspects of my life when I’m there.  

The night went by rather seamlessly.  It rained. A lot. So there were very few people in attendance. Having My Friend there made the time pass quickly and actually helped me forget my apprehension.

My second fair shift was scheduled for Saturday morning.  I like the morning shift. It was pretty slow, as anticipated, until around noon. 

My shift ended at 1 o’clock.  I was to call my mom then to see what she needed my help with and when and where I should be meeting her.  She asked me if Nellie (the Boy Left Behind’s daughter) would be helping us.  I was supposed to figure this out prior to now, but decided I didn’t feel like dealing with the Boy Left Behind after an antagonistic comment he made in the last text I had received from him a few weeks prior.  I told my mom this and she was fine with it.  I hung up the phone, turned the corner and headed toward the front gate to my car.  Lo and behold, I run into Nellie, the Boy Left Behind and his second child’s mother. (Seriously, I want to refer to her as “the baby momma,” but I know in my head that it’s not appropriate.  She’s young and unsuspecting and I feel in my heart that she will, one day, figure out that he has nothing to offer her.  But anyway…)

It’s been over two years now since the Boy Left Behind and I parted ways.  I’ve been dreading this moment for two years.  I have played out numerous scenarios in my head, the things I would say, the way I would feel.  None of that ever came to fruition.  My heart never even skipped a beat!

I walked right up (there was really no avoiding each other), gave Nellie a big hug and said that my mom and I were just talking about her. I asked if she wanted to help us back stage at the Josh Turner concert and she squealed.  Duh!  Silly me!  Of course, her dad had to play hard ball with the we’ll see act. Whatever.  

(Nellie backstage, yo.)

I had full intentions of introducing myself to his baby momma (Oops. Dang it!), but she wouldn’t even look my direction.  The Boy Left Behind pleaded with me with his eyes to let him be on his way so I made sure to chat it up with Nellie a little bit longer.  (It’s evil of me, I know.)  I gave Nellie one last big hug and went on my way.

I was surprised, as I was walking away and in the moments shortly after the encounter, that my mind did not run off racing with millions of thoughts.  I wasn’t obsessing about any of it.  It took a second for all that to sink in and, then, I gave myself a big ole pat on the back.  I survived.  It was a heck of a lot easier (for me) than I had ever imagined it would be.  

I’m healing (sort of).  I’m stronger than ever before (for sure).  I survived.

Sisters

I mentioned once, briefly, that my sister and I haven’t spoken in over two years.  At least, we haven’t shared more than niceties at holiday dinners and the like.  At my niece’s graduation, she hugged me goodbye and held me with a death grip as she began to sob.  She whispered in my ear that she missed her sister and that she wished we could get together to talk.  Not knowing what to say at that exact moment, I said I’d call her and we’d have coffee or something.  

Well, some time went by and I received a random email from her (just a pic of my brother-in-law and a bust he made).  I decided to reply to it and see if she wanted to set up a date to get together. We settled on a date and we met up last weekend at a coffee house.  I purposely picked a neutral place in a neutral town so we could be on impartial territory without interruption.  

When I arrived (it took me 10 minutes to park because neither of us realized that there was an apple festival going on that day), we ordered coffee and grabbed a table.  For the first three hours (THREE HOURS), we chatted about her three kids, our dad, family, our moms, etc.  When we realized it was nearing closing time, we decided it was time to face the elephant in the room.  

Facing the issue and talking about it was actually the shortest part of our 4+ hour conversation.  It was surprisingly easy to say what we needed to say, explain what needed explanation, apologize and move on.  I’m glad we did it. I’m glad that we have made amends.  

Now, we wait and see if sisters can actually be sisters.  Time will tell if we can be friends instead of her being the big sister (she’s 10 years older) who feels responsible for my well-being and wants to mother me and me being the rebellious kid who defies everything she says.  Keeping my fingers crossed.

Making amends is a great thing. It’s freeing to the soul.  If you have things that have gone unsaid with someone in your life, making the effort to forgive and mend the relationship is worth it.   Sometimes it does take time to get over things or come to a place of forgiveness, but it feels mighty good when you reach that point.

 (Unfortunately, I shouldn't show you her face, but this was the best picture together we've ever had and it was unintentional. This was a few years and about 15 lbs ago.)