Saturday, October 27, 2012

Update 10-27-12

I am not going to apologize for my lack of blogging. I don't care for it when others do it.  I write when I can and I write when I am able - mentally.  I wish, though, that I were a great blogger with lots of things to say that lots of people wanted to hear.  I have a lot of things to say, but I just don't like saying them where people can see them.  I suppose it has something to do with the need/desire to be accepted, never wanting to stir the pot and a fear or who might read what I really think/feel.

A lot has taken place over the last few months.  Yesterday and today were milestones in my relationship.  The details, I'm unwilling to share.  The situation is tender and delicate and should be treated as such.  I am very cognizant of the fact that I am in a relationship with a man who has children and what a delicate and fragile situation that is or can be.  Not just for the children, but for all involved.  I will say, however, a milestone was crossed today.

Work has been challenging lately. Not just with the situation in my office which is huge, but the overall morale is down in extreme ways. It saddens me.  While I have been afforded new opportunities, I have also been challenged with different personalities and people that I do not trust. This puts me in a position where I constantly contemplate every move I make and my purpose. I don't like that and I don't like to be surrounded by things that I find untrustworthy.

There has been a huge baby boom. I am surrounded by friends and family who are pregnant and having children.  Those people who I am surrounded by are also surrounded by women who are pregnant and I find it just amazing.  I am thankful that I am very close with nieces who are both with child and I have been afforded the opportunity to feel the miracle (as best as an outsider can) that takes place inside a mother's body.  I spent well over an hour with one niece with my hands on her belly and pushing here and there and rubbing to feel movement of the little baby boy growing inside her belly.  Feeling him kick and putting my ear to her belly to listen to his movements. What a miracle!  I am also amazed at how differently individuals react to pregnancy.  I don't know as though I will ever experience this miracle, but I am in awe and amazed at every turn.

Speaking of babies, I took part in making a quilt for the first time ever. We (two other friends and I) made it for another friend who is having a baby.  I am super proud of said quilt. My part was to sew all of the little square together. I had never used a sewing machine prior to that day. My friend K's mom was there to help us. My job was the sew the each little square together. I was fascinated and geeked to finally learn how to use a sewing machine.  I am so proud of the job we did.

This is year two of bowling on a league and I'm having so much fun. I am not a consistent bowler, but I can say that I have improved a great deal from last year to this year.  I never fathomed that I would bowl. I've never been a good bowler.  Last year, however, my cousin (one that I spent a lot of time with as a child, but not so much as adults) asked me to bowl every other week. I agreed. I needed something outside of the house and relationship, at that time, to do.  I wasn't all that good last year, but I am continuously improving. It's fun to just get out, do something new, meet new people and have some girl time.

I've made a ton of new friends in the past year or two and they are amazing and they keep me busy (along with work), but I am missing some of my older friends. I feel like we are drifting apart. It's totally a cliche.  The farther apart you are, the easier it is to drift apart. I hate it. I despise it.  Everyone's lives are changing and we all become too busy to even catch up or visit.  It makes me sad. I feel like I am only one person, though, and it's so hard to reach out to everyone.  I struggle, so much, with this issue.  I just, this instant, had an epiphany though. In July, I went to see a counselor and she suggested skype for one of my friends. Why did I, just now, think to apply that same answer to my other, far-away friends? 

Sadly, I must report that, there is something wrong with my mother. Medically. And no one can figure out what.  My mom does not have insurance so she has to rely on the free clinic.  Surprisingly, to me anyway, they sent her for a CT scan, blood work and a MRI. They didn't find anything, but I can tell you that something isn't right. Her speech is funny, she is slow and lethargic, tired all of the time and she won't even finish a beer sometimes. If there is anything to know about my mom, it is that she never has trouble drinking beer. Sometimes, she won't even finish one. This is very unusual. It took a while for her to admit that she doesn't feel good. She says her legs feel heavy and she's tired a lot.  The doctor at the free clinic says that he hasn't found anything, but something isn't right. She doens't go back, now, for a month, but I am worried.

Surely there are a million other updates (like how I'm finally doing something to my living room - decorating is flipping expensive!), but I'm sure this is a long post already.  I will say that it is nice to get some things out there. I have attempted to keep a feelings journal, but have a constant fear of whose hands it might fall into so I don't write in it much either.  Occasionally, though, I enjoy putting something out there even if no one reads it.

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