Life has been a whirlwind since moving out on my own at the beginning of February. I have been having so much fun that very little has been done to unpack boxes and organize my home. I have spent time with my sister, evenings with friends, I've gone to parties, and spent a weekend in Traverse City. I have also been talking to someone and spending some time with that person. That last one isn't something that I have exactly gone public with, but I write it to share the self-discovery that I have had.
I have spent a great deal of time healing from a past relationship. Never ever thinking I would fully get over it. Meanwhile, I was in a relationship that wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either. I have always wanted to be in a relationship that made me feel as though I wanted to be a better person. I wanted a relationship where I could thrive and we, as a couple, could thrive together. One that allowed for each others personalities and quirks. One that appreciated the uniqueness of each individual. A relationship where there is mutual respect and trust, communication, similar interests and interest in one another.
The relationship that I just ended was so not any of those things. What makes me angry, though, is that I didn't take notice. I mean, that's the point of all of the counseling that I've done. To be able to recognize when my needs are not being met, to know when something is unhealthy, yet I did not realize it fully until I was away from it. In addition to that, more realization came when I met someone who treats me the way I want, need and deserve to be treated.
What is also upsetting is that I am finding that I have insecurities that have developed over the past 2+ years due to someone else's insecurities or issues. I am self-conscious about things based on allowing another person to project their ideas or issues onto me.
Let me give you an example so you can understand what I mean.
On some Saturdays, I love to lay around and be lazy. I like to stay in my pjs and not shower or put make up on or do my hair. I get up a minimum of five days a week and do my hour and a half morning routine and I get tired of doing it. So I should be able to take a day off from that and just be myself, yes?
Well, in this last relationship, there were comments about how his ex wouldn't get up and shower on a given day and he'd be like, "What the hell? Aren't you going to do something with yourself today?" He wouldn't necessarily say it aloud, but he'd think it. He was also sure to tell me about it. Repeatedly. And he'd jokingly (we know that most of what people say jokingly, there is usually some truth to, right?) make comments if he came home from work on Saturday and I hadn't gotten myself showered, dressed and made up. Eventually, I began to feel the pressure of having to go through my morning routine seven days a week. This is not relaxing for me. It's stressful. And I allowed this to take over. I allowed this to happen. I didn't allow myself to be me nor was I with someone who was accepting of me.
What is wrong with this picture???
I am very frustrated with myself for having allowed myself to go through this. Again! All I can do at this point is be more aware in the future. Pay attention to my gut. Listen to what my inner voice is telling me. Move forward.
I just don't know how to listen to that inner voice. What advice do you have? How do you recognize that inner voice when it talks to you? How do you notice when something really isn't right? What am I missing?