Fit to be Fit

Nearly three months ago, I started exercising with a friend of a friend.  Each night after work, we meet up at my landlord's (who has a spacious garage, of sorts), put in a workout DVD (workout DVDs have come a long way since Jane Fonda) and work up a good sweat and some sore muscles.  

We really went at it hardcore for the first few weeks.  But Tracy, my friend's friend, starting showing signs that it was time to take a day or two off.  So we did. Sometimes it really helps to take a few days off. We were going at it so hard every single day that we overworked ourselves.  We picked right back up and continued to go hard 5-6 days a week.

Since summer has started to finally set in, though, we've gotten off kilter.  I'm hoping to pick back up here in the next few days and really start hitting it hard again.  The thing is, at this point, we really need to change up the routine. We have several DVDs that we rotate, but they've all become pretty routine and I feel very little change taking place.

At this point, I also really need to reevaluate my goals.  I started out wanting to be healthy and fit.  I wanted to feel stronger, have better posture and start fitting back into last summer's clothes.  It's funny how I can be meeting the majority of those goals and, yet, one goal that I seem to not be meeting is bringing me way down.

I've been in dire need of some new dress pants for work. (I need jeans too, but I spend 5 out of 7 days at work so, really, I can get by with 1 or 2 pair of jeans.)  I literally have three pair of dress pants (that I can fit into) that I rotate throughout the 5 day week.  Pants are really hard for me to find.  I have a full derrière, full thighs and some saddlebags.  All features I'm fine with until it comes to shopping for pants.  It has been at least three years since I shopped for pants. I hate it!

I've tried curvy fit pants and they are way too baggy in the aforementioned regions. Regular fit are too tight.  I've tried different brands and different styles.  I finally went on a mini pant-finding mission with a friend from work and bought three new pairs of pants IN THE SAME COLORS I ALREADY HAVE!  That was discouraging because I was really hoping to find some summery pants, not black, brown and gray.  To add to my displeasure, I had to go up, yet, another size. 

And that, my friends, has brought me into the biggest pity party imaginable.  I KNOW that exercise takes time.  I KNOW that I am feeling stronger. I can actually feel muscles people!  My posture is better, I can feel it.  I've progressed in my workouts. I have increased endurance and stamina.  But I still have this growing tire around my middle and it is driving me batty.  

I've surely gained 20 pounds in the last few years. I'm not obese or even fat by any means. I know this.  I'm not trying to compare myself or my weight to anyone else.  I just don't feel like me. I am a puffy, uncomfortable version of myself and it's on my mind constantly.  I am continually trying to find the outfit to hide it all which is burdensome.  A state of self-loathing has set in.  

I've dealt with years of anorexic behavior (it's amazing the images our minds perceive when looking in that mirror that are so unreal) and I promised never to go back to that. I have undoubtedly screwed up my entire system because of it.  I've actually grown very fond of eating. LOL  I know the next steps in my journey need to be a change in eating habits along with exercise to be completely successful.  Add in some positive thinking and reinforcement.  

Working out daily after work is tough. Things like a tidy and clean house suffer.  It takes a lot of time to come home, change your clothes, do the actual workout, shower and then fix dinner, eat and clean up. You're entire evening is shot.  I start thinking of all the things that need to be done and aren't getting done and I start to want to cut back on my workouts and am constantly thinking of how they are impeding on my evening.  I can't think like that.  

I am determined to stick with it even though my mind wants to tell me that it's not doing any good.  Another visit to Mexico is around the corner and I was hoping to be in beach shape, but it's not likely I'll even be down to the same size I was last year.  I am also going to make changes to my eating habits.  Today I drank the last Mountain Dew in my house.  I want to be done letting it control me. That sounds so stupid, but it's true.  I'm going to do some research and figure out the right way to eat and make a plan.  This is hard for me. I hate spending time doing this type of thing, but I want to see results and the only way to do that is to put forth the effort.  I need to kick it in gear because I'm fit to be fit.