I find myself often wishing for different skills or gifts that I admire in others. Wishing I were better at planning ahead. Better at organizing. More motivated. Wishing that I enjoyed gardening instead of knowing that I might take the initiative to start one then knowing it would grow over with weeds. Wishing I could pick out my outfits on Sunday for the whole week. Wishing I could actually be on time for work everyday. Wishing I had better cooking skills. Wishing I were more witty and clever. Wishing I were less socially awkward. Wishing I could strike up a conversation with anyone. Wishing I were more caring about others.
I often wish for family relationships that see in those around me. A better relationship with my dad. A closer connection with my mom. A friendship with my sister. Wishing my family actually enjoyed each others company instead of dreading seeing one another. Wishing my family would take trips together instead of always saying it's too much of a hassle to even drive an hour to see one another or we're too busy to pick up the phone to call. Wishing my family were capable of having fun together instead of suffering through a holiday meal.
I often wonder if I will regret my decision to not have children when it's too late. I wonder if this relationship is right for me, if it's the best one there is for me. (I have dreams and imagine so much more.) I wonder will I regret not doing everything in my power to travel or live abroad like I've always wanted to do. I wonder how much I will regret not finding a different job and sticking with the one I have out of fear. I wonder if I will kick myself for allowing fear to take over my life. I wonder if I will ever get beyond feeling too afraid to feel. I wonder if I'll ever be able to allow myself to feel vulnerable again. I wonder if I will ever have it in me to cry and feel the pain of loss when those times come.
I thought I had come so far, but all of these thoughts consume me daily and it tells me that I've fallen backward.