Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Higgledy-Piggledy, Take II

Ah, 'tis the week of Christmas and what a crazy week it is. Currently, I'm sitting at home in my pj's...still (it's nearly 11 am), thinking of all that needs to be done during my two week hiatus from work. Two weeks off sounds like a great thing (and I did it to myself by tacking on three days to make it a full two weeks), but it is a time where bad habits will build up making going back to work the biggest drag ever! Two weeks is also overwhelming to me. I, for the life of me, cannot figure out why I get so overwhelmed by the simplest things, but I do. So much to do and so much time, yet very little will likely get done.

The biggest project is my computer room. It's piled with boxes. Boxes of heaven knows what. Computer stuff, reading books, old school books that I should have returned but thought I'd use some day (um...yeah), CDs, important paperwork, clothes, blankets, stored Christmas decor, pictures, baby stuff (my baby book and the like), trophies and medals, etc. What to do with all this stuff, I have no idea. Do I throw it out? I don't know. I do know that I need to figure out what to keep, how to store it and make space because this also needs to be my work out room. Oh yeah! My mom gave me an early Christmas present - a treadmill. I'm so excited! I've asked for one for about three years now. It's used, but it works great.


Christmas is going to be crazy this year. Six Christmas gatherings in four days. Imagine. All the driving and socializing. I'm going to need two days to recuperate. Being an introvert makes all these gatherings, even with my own family, stressful. When I was a kid, I used to get so worked up about it that I would spend the day laying on my grandma's bed with a tummy ache from all the anxiety. It's not that bad anymore, but it still makes me anxious.

Christmas has also been very expensive this year. In an attempt to get organized, I contacted my dad's side of the family about two weeks before Thanksgiving to see how we were going to handle Christmas this year. This side of the family seems to have a tough time getting together, always putting it off and sometimes we don't have our gathering until January or later. This year, however, my niece will only be home for a short time so, in order to have us all there, I thought we should try to organize early. Well, I got some hemming and hawing from a few folks and never received a real answer. So, I dropped it. I figured if these adults can't decide or give me an answer, I am not going to worry myself over it. Then, of course, a week and a half before Christmas, it becomes an issue. Now, suddenly, we are scrambling for a date and four people are tacked onto my Christmas shopping list. Now, I'm up to fifteen people. I am one person buying for fifteen people and I don't even have a husband or children. Ugh...how does this happen?


I have felt so disorganized this year. Usually, I make a list of folks I have to buy for along with ideas for each and then decide where I can get these items, plan my route and go. I mean, I HATE shopping. I hate the rude people, screaming children who don't want to be there either, standing elbow to elbow in an aisle not big enough for one cart let alone eight, I get hot which makes me more cranky, waiting in long lines and noticing that not all the lanes are even open which makes me wonder who the heck is in charge. I just hate all of it even when it's not Christmas. So I try to do as few trips as possible and grab and go quickly. Not this year. I haven't been able to decide on what to get people. I've taken My Friend with me a few times and, well, I prefer to shop alone mostly. It's just been crazy. I think, yesterday, I finally got everything, but I'm afraid to go check for sure because I don't want to have to go shopping again. Ugh.


On a totally different topic...
When I moved to the new town, I was leaving things behind. An old boyfriend in particular. I didn't dwell on in much. It had been coming for some time. It wasn't the first time we had broken up, but I am determined that it will be the last. As much as I love and care about him, I also know that we weren't meant to be. He was not capable of having the kind of relationship that I wanted or needed and I was not capable of having the relationship he wanted or needed. My mind still knows this and I pray that he can find someone who can have that relationship. There isn't a chance in hell that I ever want to go back to that. Still, sometimes I miss the special little things.

I miss the way he looked at me with so much feeling in his eyes and told me so softly that I was so pretty. I miss how, regardless of what we were fighting over, he would come to me, he would come first to make up, make me laugh, make it all better. I miss the way he'd hug me. Meaningfully and for a long time if I needed it. I miss watching Animal Planet or Discovery Channel and having him explain to me all about wild life and living in the wild, far beyond the explanations of either of those shows. He is so smart in that way. If the world were to go to hell today, he'd be the person you'd want to hide with. He could out-survive the toughest in places far beyond the imagination.

What I don't know is why seven months later these things have come to mind.


  1. They might never stop coming to mind. Someone who plays such a significant role in your life... they never fully go away. You know he's not good for you, you know there can't be anything between you, but he still lingers. It's normal. Just don't get sucked back in ok? Promise me.

  2. I won't get sucked back in. Promise! I just want it to go away. Molly says it lingers for years and I don't want that. I don't do well with facing it and I'm not sure how to cope with it.