Update 10-27-12

I am not going to apologize for my lack of blogging. I don't care for it when others do it.  I write when I can and I write when I am able - mentally.  I wish, though, that I were a great blogger with lots of things to say that lots of people wanted to hear.  I have a lot of things to say, but I just don't like saying them where people can see them.  I suppose it has something to do with the need/desire to be accepted, never wanting to stir the pot and a fear or who might read what I really think/feel.

A lot has taken place over the last few months.  Yesterday and today were milestones in my relationship.  The details, I'm unwilling to share.  The situation is tender and delicate and should be treated as such.  I am very cognizant of the fact that I am in a relationship with a man who has children and what a delicate and fragile situation that is or can be.  Not just for the children, but for all involved.  I will say, however, a milestone was crossed today.

Work has been challenging lately. Not just with the situation in my office which is huge, but the overall morale is down in extreme ways. It saddens me.  While I have been afforded new opportunities, I have also been challenged with different personalities and people that I do not trust. This puts me in a position where I constantly contemplate every move I make and my purpose. I don't like that and I don't like to be surrounded by things that I find untrustworthy.

There has been a huge baby boom. I am surrounded by friends and family who are pregnant and having children.  Those people who I am surrounded by are also surrounded by women who are pregnant and I find it just amazing.  I am thankful that I am very close with nieces who are both with child and I have been afforded the opportunity to feel the miracle (as best as an outsider can) that takes place inside a mother's body.  I spent well over an hour with one niece with my hands on her belly and pushing here and there and rubbing to feel movement of the little baby boy growing inside her belly.  Feeling him kick and putting my ear to her belly to listen to his movements. What a miracle!  I am also amazed at how differently individuals react to pregnancy.  I don't know as though I will ever experience this miracle, but I am in awe and amazed at every turn.

Speaking of babies, I took part in making a quilt for the first time ever. We (two other friends and I) made it for another friend who is having a baby.  I am super proud of said quilt. My part was to sew all of the little square together. I had never used a sewing machine prior to that day. My friend K's mom was there to help us. My job was the sew the each little square together. I was fascinated and geeked to finally learn how to use a sewing machine.  I am so proud of the job we did.

This is year two of bowling on a league and I'm having so much fun. I am not a consistent bowler, but I can say that I have improved a great deal from last year to this year.  I never fathomed that I would bowl. I've never been a good bowler.  Last year, however, my cousin (one that I spent a lot of time with as a child, but not so much as adults) asked me to bowl every other week. I agreed. I needed something outside of the house and relationship, at that time, to do.  I wasn't all that good last year, but I am continuously improving. It's fun to just get out, do something new, meet new people and have some girl time.

I've made a ton of new friends in the past year or two and they are amazing and they keep me busy (along with work), but I am missing some of my older friends. I feel like we are drifting apart. It's totally a cliche.  The farther apart you are, the easier it is to drift apart. I hate it. I despise it.  Everyone's lives are changing and we all become too busy to even catch up or visit.  It makes me sad. I feel like I am only one person, though, and it's so hard to reach out to everyone.  I struggle, so much, with this issue.  I just, this instant, had an epiphany though. In July, I went to see a counselor and she suggested skype for one of my friends. Why did I, just now, think to apply that same answer to my other, far-away friends? 

Sadly, I must report that, there is something wrong with my mother. Medically. And no one can figure out what.  My mom does not have insurance so she has to rely on the free clinic.  Surprisingly, to me anyway, they sent her for a CT scan, blood work and a MRI. They didn't find anything, but I can tell you that something isn't right. Her speech is funny, she is slow and lethargic, tired all of the time and she won't even finish a beer sometimes. If there is anything to know about my mom, it is that she never has trouble drinking beer. Sometimes, she won't even finish one. This is very unusual. It took a while for her to admit that she doesn't feel good. She says her legs feel heavy and she's tired a lot.  The doctor at the free clinic says that he hasn't found anything, but something isn't right. She doens't go back, now, for a month, but I am worried.

Surely there are a million other updates (like how I'm finally doing something to my living room - decorating is flipping expensive!), but I'm sure this is a long post already.  I will say that it is nice to get some things out there. I have attempted to keep a feelings journal, but have a constant fear of whose hands it might fall into so I don't write in it much either.  Occasionally, though, I enjoy putting something out there even if no one reads it.

Struggles

I’m at a point in my life where things should be great. Things are great. I’ve met someone who is great. I have some great new friends and have been crazy busy doing new things with new people and life is great. Yet, I still struggle.  I struggle to find balance. I struggle to find a way to stay connected with old friends. The ones who have helped me survive in the past and who I love dearly. I struggle to connect with family. I struggle with my great, new relationship. I struggle with work (many, many changes are afoot), and I struggle with the fact that I’m struggling. I should be happier than I have ever been. And, in some ways, I am.  Yet there are many things that still linger. 

I look around me and I don’t feel that I have the right to be so unhappy about things.  Many of my loved ones and friends are struggling with life situations that are far worse than mine and I often don’t feel that it’s fair of me to also burden them with my issues.  And because people are so busy with their own lives, they often aren’t able to offer the support I am looking for and I find that, even though I am surrounded by people, I am very alone.   

I struggle with knowing whether or not my reactions to situations and my feelings are healthy.  And how do I know that?  A person’s feelings are their feelings. I often find myself trying to talk myself out of feeling the way I do.  How is anyone supposed to have regard for my feelings when I never tell anyone what they are?

I’ve been struggling enough to put myself back into counseling. Unfortunately, the person I saw before is no longer in this area so I have had to see someone new. Very daunting. I have only met with her once, but she seemed like someone I could work with.  I hope and pray for good results.

Night Owl: How to be a Day-Timer

 "The early bird catches the worm."

Photo courtesy dicktay2000

Recently, I was flipping through my stats (something I don't normally do) and I noticed that people have landed on my blog by looking for ways to live in the Day-Timer's world as a Night Owl.  Since I am a Night Owl and, over the last few years, have somewhat learned to adapt to my daytime job schedule, I thought I would share what I have learned.

Let me start by saying that, for a long time, I felt, yet again, out of place in this world knowing that I have always been a Night Owl.  Even in grade school, I liked to stay up late and sleep late.  In doing a smidge of googling on the subject, though, I find that it's not so abnormal.  What I find unfortunate for those of us who are Night Owls is that society and our jobs often dictate what kind of schedule we must maintain.

I won't go into what makes us Night Owls. Y'all can google that yourselves.  What I will tell you is what has helped me (though not "cured" me) adapt, somewhat to the Day-Timer's world.

• Knowing how much sleep I need.  This is very important for the next bullet point.  I personally know I need a good solid 8 hours of sleep.  Even this does not make me pop out of bed like a Pop Tart, but it does help.  I have read that Night Owls tend to wake right after there peak hour of sleepiness and, thus, still have relatively high levels of melatonin in their system which leaves us (me for sure) feeling groggy when that alarm clock goes off. There's no getting around that as far as I can tell and I fight it every single morning. I hate it!


• Go to bed at a specified time every single night. Select a time that allows you to get the amount of sleep you need.  As much as it's going to suck, you have to do it and stick with it.  For me, it's 10 pm.  And I don't mean go to be at 10:00 and read for an hour or even a half hour. Be in bed, trying to sleep at the time that you have calculated that will allow you to get enough sleep.  On the weekends, it is wise not to stray too far from your bedtime.  Midnight might be fine, but I do not allow myself to indulge in too many 2 am or later nights.  Late nights can be detrimental to the process.


• No TV in bed. This has not been much of an issue for me in recent years because I've never been a fan of having a TV in my bedroom.  If I do, it's for daytime use only. Too much stimuli.  You're brain can't shut down with all that flashing and whatnot.  I'm prone to having weird dreams about whatever I have watched in bed so I try to eliminate it altogether.


• Cut off the caffeine early and limit the intake.  I am a die-hard Mt Dew drinker so caffeine (and sugar) is ever-present in my life.  That being said, I typically limit myself to 1-20 oz Mt Dew per day and I finish it by 3 o'clock at the very latest on most days.  I used to be the person that would boast about how caffeine doesn't affect me.  Well, damn this 33 year old body, because it has started to affect me.


• Leave those shades and curtains open.  For several years, I put dark blankets, sheets, towels or anything dark or heavy over my windows so I could get some freaking sleep!  That sun was a surefire disruptor to my most precious sleep hours.  I still do this from time to time when I really need some sleep, but only on rare occasion.  Letting the natural light in will help you wake up (even in the weekends people!).  As annoying as it may be, you may learn (as I have) to appreciate it...most of the time.  What I find hard living where I do, is there isn't always light at the time I need to wake up. If there were, getting out of bed wouldn't be nearly as difficult at 6 am.  I've considered buying one of the natural light/wake up clocks. I just haven't been able to justify the cost in my mind. I'd be interested to hear from people who might have them.


• And the dreaded....exercise!  People, seriously, exercising is a pain. I know. I get it. But I swear on everything, when I'm exercising, I sleep 10 times better.  And I'm not talking a piddly thirty minute walk either. Those people that tell you that you can get fit in with a 30 minute walk make me insane.  Sure, if a person is severely heavy, 30 minutes will do a them wonders.  If you are average or even moderately overweight, you need more than a 30 minute walk. You need to tire that body out!  For light exercise, minimum of 45 minutes 4-7 days a week is what I think you need.  (I'm no personal trainer, I have no certifications. I speak solely from personal experience and research.) If you can do moderate to moderately hard exercise, you should opt for every other day or alternate some cardio days with strength-training days. Grab up some Jackie Warner DVDs or Jillian Michaels.  Grab a set of dumbbells.  If you are seriously having trouble sleeping, I really recommend wearing your body out with exercise.  



For me, exercise comes and goes. I do really well for a while and then I peter out.  I eventually get to a point where I don't sleep so well and I force myself back into it. It's a struggle.  I have a love/hate relationship with exercise.  I enjoy it when I do it and I feel good, but it's a hassle to schedule or find someone to commit to doing it with you. I get it. But no one will every motivate you but you. That's one thing I've learned.  So, it's up to you, but at least consider it.  Especially if you are a Night Owl and you are trying to force your body to change its natural clock. Seriously.

That's all I've got for now. None of them sound fun to the Night Owls. Trust me. I know! I hear you loud and clear.  I hate it. I hate forcing myself to go to bed at 10:00! Really??!!?!  I hate it! I am struggling with it right now because I'm in a new place and am surrounded by new people and new excitement around every bend. I'm highly distracted and would prefer to just enjoy my quiet time into the wee hours of the night.  And I have been backsliding and doing just that and it is not boding well for me or my already can't-help-but-be-tardy self at work.

These things have definitely helped me a ton in the past few years. I went from getting to work at 10:00 am or later to getting there around the time I'm really supposed to which is 8:00 am. I'm still late (that's a whole other issue, no?) and I still loathe getting up. I curse my alarm and the morning regularly. I still feel sluggish and sleepy-eyed.  I'm not saying you'll like it. I'm just saying that it helps adapt...a little bit...to the Day-Timer/Early Bird world.

Now We're Cooking...or not

 Photo courtesy K.I.T.

I have never really excelled at any one thing in life. I have always been good at many things, but never really good at any one thing.  How does the saying go? Jack of all trades, master of none.  That's me! 

There are several things that I would like to learn to do, but there is one thing on my mind at this moment.  Cooking!

It isn't that I can't cook. I can throw together a few things.  Nothing spectacular and probably nothing that I would ever feed people, but I get by.

Potlucks and events where I have to bring a passing dish are a nightmare.  I hate it. I never know what to bring. Growing up, I've always been the youngest and never had to really do any cooking or even bring a passing dish as an adult because I was the baby and I accepted my role graciously.  Now that I'm older and have come into a great group of friends, I'm a it embarrassed of my lack of cooking knowledge and experience.

Cooking just isn't something I understand. I usually tell people that I hate it, but the truth of the matter is that I just don't get it.  I'm actually obsessed with cooking shows, cookbooks, cooking blogs and cooking magazines. You should see the stacks of cookbooks and magazines I have. However, combine my lack of cooking knowledge with my lackadaisical ways and it makes for one pathetic cook.

I've always wanted to take some cooking classes. I want to understand cuts of meat. I want to understand flavors and how to combine them and make them work together. I want to understand textures. I want to know how to use a knife and how to actually chop something. Sure I can read about it, but remember I mentioned my lackadaisical ways? I'm lazy like that. I don't want to read about it. I've watched a few youtube videos on how to chop and mince, but it takes practice and without someone there with me to keep me practicing and to tell me what adjustments I need to make, it's not going to happen (ahem, lackadaisical. did I mention that?)

I grew up in the country and we pride ourselves on being meat and potatoes people.  In recent years, I've discovered that there is so much more and I want to experience those things, but I just don't understand them. Can someone please tell me what leeks are, what they taste like, how do you cook them, how do you clean them, and what do you do with them exactly?  I mean really?  And sure, I can read about that too, but I would do better with the hands on approach.

Cooking simply overwhelms me. So many things needs to be timed just so so that it all comes out together. When I look at a list of ingredients, I immediately become overwhelmed.  I really just want some guidance, some know-how, some practical application. Is that too much to ask?

Is it embarrassing to not know how to cook at 33 years of age? Is it embarrassing to sign up for cooking classes (if you can find them) at my age? Is it???

Maybe later, I'll address my desire for creativity and learning to sew.

Moving forward

Life has been a whirlwind since moving out on my own at the beginning of February.  I have been having so much fun that very little has been done to unpack boxes and organize my home.  I have spent time with my sister, evenings with friends, I've gone to parties, and spent a weekend in Traverse City.  I have also been talking to someone and spending some time with that person.  That last one isn't something that I have exactly gone public with, but I write it to share the self-discovery that I have had.

I have spent a great deal of time healing from a past relationship.  Never ever thinking I would fully get over it.  Meanwhile, I was in a relationship that wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either.  I have always wanted to be in a relationship that made me feel as though I wanted to be a better person. I wanted a relationship where I could thrive and we, as a couple, could thrive together.  One that allowed for each others personalities and quirks.  One that appreciated the uniqueness of each individual.  A relationship where there is mutual respect and trust, communication, similar interests and interest in one another. 

The relationship that I just ended was so not any of those things.  What makes me angry, though, is that I didn't take notice. I mean, that's the point of all of the counseling that I've done. To be able to recognize when my needs are not being met, to know when something is unhealthy, yet I did not realize it fully until I was away from it.  In addition to that, more realization came when I met someone who treats me the way I want, need and deserve to be treated. 

What is also upsetting is that I am finding that I have insecurities that have developed over the past 2+ years due to someone else's insecurities or issues.  I am self-conscious about things based on allowing another person to project their ideas or issues onto me.

Let me give you an example so you can understand what I mean.

On some Saturdays, I love to lay around and be lazy. I like to stay in my pjs and not shower or put make up on or do my  hair.  I get up a minimum of five days a week and do my hour and a half morning routine and I get tired of doing it.  So I should be able to take a day off from that and just be myself, yes? 

Well, in this last relationship, there were comments about how his ex wouldn't get up and shower on a given day and he'd be like, "What the hell? Aren't you going to do something with yourself today?"  He wouldn't necessarily say it aloud, but he'd think it. He was also sure to tell me about it. Repeatedly.  And he'd jokingly (we know that most of what people say jokingly, there is usually some truth to, right?) make comments if he came home from work on Saturday and I hadn't gotten myself showered, dressed and made up.  Eventually, I began to feel the pressure of having to go through my morning routine seven days a week. This is not relaxing for me. It's stressful.  And I allowed this to take over.  I allowed this to happen. I didn't allow myself to be me nor was I with someone who was accepting of me.


What is wrong with this picture???

I am very frustrated with myself for having allowed myself to go through this. Again!  All I can do at this point is be more aware in the future.  Pay attention to my gut. Listen to what my inner voice is telling me.  Move forward. 

I just don't know how to listen to that inner voice. What advice do you have? How do you recognize that inner voice when it talks to you? How do you notice when something really isn't right? What am I missing?

Moving out

I mentioned in my last post that many changes were coming in 2012.  One of those changes being My Friend and I going our separate ways after a little over 2 1/2 years.  I'm moving out.  I signed a lease on an apartment of my own.  I have the key in my hand.  I am 100% moved. I'm scared, excited, nervous and tired.  I'm so tired.

The break up has been fairly amicable.  My Friend has been understanding and helpful.  He says he wants me to be happy.  I'm glad things have gone fairly smoothly. It's still hard and many tears have been shed.  But I know in my heart that this is for the best.  It's best for me. It's probably best for him too.

There are so many emotions to deal with all at the same time.  All of the emotions that come with a break up.  And there are some major emotions and fears that come with being on my own.  The point of me moving 2 1/2 years ago was to be on my own and things happened and it didn't work out like I planned. I was prepared then. I had planned for it. I had mentally gotten myself ready. Now? I'm not sure.

What I am sure of, though, is that I need this. I am in my 30s and I have never really been alone. Living on my own, alone.  It's going to take some work on my part to not allow myself to hibernate, holed up in my place by myself all the time.  That is so bad for me and that is my worst fear.  Sitting home, alone having a pity party for my lonely self.  It can't happen.

I'm excited. Sort of. Not as excited as people expect me to be. They keep asking. I know they mean well, but I'm so tired of responding to that question. And what's the plan? When are you moving? Do you have this? Do you have that?  What are you going to do about a bed? You can't sleep on the couch.  Why, actually, yes I can. And I am. And I'm loving it.

So far, so good.  I've been keeping fairly busy and I'm not even close to being settled and organized. I was able to finally organize my kitchen, but the rest is a mess. And it's likely to stay that way for a while. I'm ok with that. It's mine and I can be as messy as I want to be and I love it!

Cheers to moving forward!  I'm celebrating my new-found freedom.  Won't you join me?

I've been so quiet

Wow! It has been quite a while since I have written anything at all. It appears that I've nearly abandoned this blog.  Not so. I think about things to write all of the time. It always seems to come out fine when I'm writing it in my head on my commute home, but when I actually sit down to tap it out on my keyboard, I come up blank.

A lot happened in the last few months of 2011.  There were weddings, vacations, hockey games, new friends, parties, etc.  All things that are blog worthy.  But, there's no point in looking back I guess. We've entered a new year with new things happening.  There are a number of significant changes coming in 2012 and I'm excited. And nervous. And excited.  But that's what change is supposed to be, right?

I feel like I should be making New Year's resolutions or setting goals. I'm never good at doing that. Many people are adamant that you should have goals for your life.  You should set small, attainable goals then big goals.  I don't know if it's the commitaphobe in me or what, but I hate setting goals. I never pay attention to the goals I set anyway. I do what comes to me. I do what I want to do.  I do what I need to do. I do what comes to mind.  This seems a bit contradictory to my normal way of functioning considering that I don't like it when plans suddenly change. I don't adapt well. I like to know what lies ahead of me for the day and I don't like abrupt changes. But, it is what it is.

I do have some things I'd like to do this year, but I haven't really spent too much time thinking about it.

I'd like to do something awesome like skydiving. Or go zip lining again! (Oh, I didn't tell you about that. Maybe later)
I'd like to visit my friend in Florida who I have been promising for a couple of years that I'd come visit.
I'd like to blog more and be more interesting. I don't know how to do this though.
I'd like to be more positive, especially toward the people I work with and some of my family members.
I'd like to go to church. (This was a resolution last year and I kick myself regularly over this one. I hate finding a church though. I hate the whole process!)
I'd like to build a good nest egg. As good as a single person can build on their own.
I'd like to give a few family members my whole-hearted, honest opinion on a few things like how they are so very wrong about other family members.
I'd like to go back to counseling to work out a few more things.

Wow, I guess I have thought about it more than I realized.  These are all things I'd like to do. It doesn't mean that they'll necessarily happen.  Regardless, I'm looking forward to new things in 2012. What about you?

I Survived

This past week was the county fair in the Town Left Behind.  I usually work the fair booth for my employer and help my mom with some catering events on the fair grounds.  I always have anxiety about who I will run into.  

The first night I worked, My Friend sat with me at the fair booth. I was a bit anxious.  I don’t like people in that town knowing my business. I try to steer clear of all personal aspects of my life when I’m there.  

The night went by rather seamlessly.  It rained. A lot. So there were very few people in attendance. Having My Friend there made the time pass quickly and actually helped me forget my apprehension.

My second fair shift was scheduled for Saturday morning.  I like the morning shift. It was pretty slow, as anticipated, until around noon. 

My shift ended at 1 o’clock.  I was to call my mom then to see what she needed my help with and when and where I should be meeting her.  She asked me if Nellie (the Boy Left Behind’s daughter) would be helping us.  I was supposed to figure this out prior to now, but decided I didn’t feel like dealing with the Boy Left Behind after an antagonistic comment he made in the last text I had received from him a few weeks prior.  I told my mom this and she was fine with it.  I hung up the phone, turned the corner and headed toward the front gate to my car.  Lo and behold, I run into Nellie, the Boy Left Behind and his second child’s mother. (Seriously, I want to refer to her as “the baby momma,” but I know in my head that it’s not appropriate.  She’s young and unsuspecting and I feel in my heart that she will, one day, figure out that he has nothing to offer her.  But anyway…)

It’s been over two years now since the Boy Left Behind and I parted ways.  I’ve been dreading this moment for two years.  I have played out numerous scenarios in my head, the things I would say, the way I would feel.  None of that ever came to fruition.  My heart never even skipped a beat!

I walked right up (there was really no avoiding each other), gave Nellie a big hug and said that my mom and I were just talking about her. I asked if she wanted to help us back stage at the Josh Turner concert and she squealed.  Duh!  Silly me!  Of course, her dad had to play hard ball with the we’ll see act. Whatever.  

(Nellie backstage, yo.)

I had full intentions of introducing myself to his baby momma (Oops. Dang it!), but she wouldn’t even look my direction.  The Boy Left Behind pleaded with me with his eyes to let him be on his way so I made sure to chat it up with Nellie a little bit longer.  (It’s evil of me, I know.)  I gave Nellie one last big hug and went on my way.

I was surprised, as I was walking away and in the moments shortly after the encounter, that my mind did not run off racing with millions of thoughts.  I wasn’t obsessing about any of it.  It took a second for all that to sink in and, then, I gave myself a big ole pat on the back.  I survived.  It was a heck of a lot easier (for me) than I had ever imagined it would be.  

I’m healing (sort of).  I’m stronger than ever before (for sure).  I survived.

Sisters

I mentioned once, briefly, that my sister and I haven’t spoken in over two years.  At least, we haven’t shared more than niceties at holiday dinners and the like.  At my niece’s graduation, she hugged me goodbye and held me with a death grip as she began to sob.  She whispered in my ear that she missed her sister and that she wished we could get together to talk.  Not knowing what to say at that exact moment, I said I’d call her and we’d have coffee or something.  

Well, some time went by and I received a random email from her (just a pic of my brother-in-law and a bust he made).  I decided to reply to it and see if she wanted to set up a date to get together. We settled on a date and we met up last weekend at a coffee house.  I purposely picked a neutral place in a neutral town so we could be on impartial territory without interruption.  

When I arrived (it took me 10 minutes to park because neither of us realized that there was an apple festival going on that day), we ordered coffee and grabbed a table.  For the first three hours (THREE HOURS), we chatted about her three kids, our dad, family, our moms, etc.  When we realized it was nearing closing time, we decided it was time to face the elephant in the room.  

Facing the issue and talking about it was actually the shortest part of our 4+ hour conversation.  It was surprisingly easy to say what we needed to say, explain what needed explanation, apologize and move on.  I’m glad we did it. I’m glad that we have made amends.  

Now, we wait and see if sisters can actually be sisters.  Time will tell if we can be friends instead of her being the big sister (she’s 10 years older) who feels responsible for my well-being and wants to mother me and me being the rebellious kid who defies everything she says.  Keeping my fingers crossed.

Making amends is a great thing. It’s freeing to the soul.  If you have things that have gone unsaid with someone in your life, making the effort to forgive and mend the relationship is worth it.   Sometimes it does take time to get over things or come to a place of forgiveness, but it feels mighty good when you reach that point.

 (Unfortunately, I shouldn't show you her face, but this was the best picture together we've ever had and it was unintentional. This was a few years and about 15 lbs ago.)

On this day

In 2001, I witnessed my first real, memorable tragedy.  It was the first historical event that I actually recall. 

I was living with my dad and his wife at the time.  I had just gotten up and was getting a bowl of cereal before work.  As was the norm, the radio in the kitchen was on.  As I was pouring my cereal, the radio announcer was saying that the World Trade Center had been bombed.  To be completely honest, I had no idea what the World Trade Center or the Twin Towers were.  I didn't have an inkling of the magnitude of what I had just heard. 

I went downstairs and told my dad about the "bombing."  His face was immediately wrought with worry and I instantly became aware that this was bigger than I realized.  My dad, you see, was a Vietnam Vet. It's not something he talks about, but his commitment to our country is unwavering.  I had never witnessed the look on his face that he had that day.

As I sat down on the couch, my dad turned the TV on.  We sat together watching the events unfold.  We watched as they played and replayed the second plane crashing into the Twin Towers.  We watched as the plane crashed into the Pentagon and as the news of the forth plane crashing in Pennsylvania was delivered.  We watched as the towers came crashing down.  Even as I watched, I don't think I understood the magnitude of it all.  The lives that were lost.  The number of people who lost loved ones.  The efforts of the fireman, police, military, emergency workers, and your everyday, average person.  I will never forget that day. 

My thoughts and prayers go out to all those whose lives have been affected by 9/11 and to all those who work so hard protecting our country and freedom each and everyday.

Broken

This quote sums up the tears in my eyes and how I feel today:

You don't die from a broken heart - you only wish you did.

~Anonymous

Thanking my body

After a month or so of self-loathing, I wanted to reach out and hug myself last night.  For several months now, I have been working out regularly. I have felt the difference in my body. I can actually feel the strong muscles underneath a little layer of cushion. Even still, I wasn't happy.  I wasn't seeing the difference in my waistline, hips and thighs and that led to me feeling defeated. 

Last night, I did my usual workout.  And I've decided that running has worked for me in the past to trim my waistline so, after the workout, I hopped on the treadmill.  I have some Couch to 5k workouts taped the the treadmill. I don't know which weeks they are though.  So I just picked one and went for it.  Turns out, I picked week 3.  AND it was so easy!

The last time I tried doing the C25K program, it took me five weeks to work up to week 3.  This is how I know that my body is transforming. Running has never felt so easy for me.  Getting my body in shape and toning muscles first has really seemed to help in other forms of exercise. 

I was really very proud of myself last night. I even amped up the speed on the last running interval and it didn't even phase me. It felt good. OMW! Did I just say that?

So, for now, I'm going to ride the high that I got from being so proud of how my body has transformed. Thank you very much body!

(And if anyone wants recommendations for in home DVDs, hit me up. With an initial investment of about $20, you can do what I've been doing.)

Fit to be Fit

Nearly three months ago, I started exercising with a friend of a friend.  Each night after work, we meet up at my landlord's (who has a spacious garage, of sorts), put in a workout DVD (workout DVDs have come a long way since Jane Fonda) and work up a good sweat and some sore muscles.  

We really went at it hardcore for the first few weeks.  But Tracy, my friend's friend, starting showing signs that it was time to take a day or two off.  So we did. Sometimes it really helps to take a few days off. We were going at it so hard every single day that we overworked ourselves.  We picked right back up and continued to go hard 5-6 days a week.

Since summer has started to finally set in, though, we've gotten off kilter.  I'm hoping to pick back up here in the next few days and really start hitting it hard again.  The thing is, at this point, we really need to change up the routine. We have several DVDs that we rotate, but they've all become pretty routine and I feel very little change taking place.

At this point, I also really need to reevaluate my goals.  I started out wanting to be healthy and fit.  I wanted to feel stronger, have better posture and start fitting back into last summer's clothes.  It's funny how I can be meeting the majority of those goals and, yet, one goal that I seem to not be meeting is bringing me way down.

I've been in dire need of some new dress pants for work. (I need jeans too, but I spend 5 out of 7 days at work so, really, I can get by with 1 or 2 pair of jeans.)  I literally have three pair of dress pants (that I can fit into) that I rotate throughout the 5 day week.  Pants are really hard for me to find.  I have a full derrière, full thighs and some saddlebags.  All features I'm fine with until it comes to shopping for pants.  It has been at least three years since I shopped for pants. I hate it!

I've tried curvy fit pants and they are way too baggy in the aforementioned regions. Regular fit are too tight.  I've tried different brands and different styles.  I finally went on a mini pant-finding mission with a friend from work and bought three new pairs of pants IN THE SAME COLORS I ALREADY HAVE!  That was discouraging because I was really hoping to find some summery pants, not black, brown and gray.  To add to my displeasure, I had to go up, yet, another size. 

And that, my friends, has brought me into the biggest pity party imaginable.  I KNOW that exercise takes time.  I KNOW that I am feeling stronger. I can actually feel muscles people!  My posture is better, I can feel it.  I've progressed in my workouts. I have increased endurance and stamina.  But I still have this growing tire around my middle and it is driving me batty.  

I've surely gained 20 pounds in the last few years. I'm not obese or even fat by any means. I know this.  I'm not trying to compare myself or my weight to anyone else.  I just don't feel like me. I am a puffy, uncomfortable version of myself and it's on my mind constantly.  I am continually trying to find the outfit to hide it all which is burdensome.  A state of self-loathing has set in.  

I've dealt with years of anorexic behavior (it's amazing the images our minds perceive when looking in that mirror that are so unreal) and I promised never to go back to that. I have undoubtedly screwed up my entire system because of it.  I've actually grown very fond of eating. LOL  I know the next steps in my journey need to be a change in eating habits along with exercise to be completely successful.  Add in some positive thinking and reinforcement.  

Working out daily after work is tough. Things like a tidy and clean house suffer.  It takes a lot of time to come home, change your clothes, do the actual workout, shower and then fix dinner, eat and clean up. You're entire evening is shot.  I start thinking of all the things that need to be done and aren't getting done and I start to want to cut back on my workouts and am constantly thinking of how they are impeding on my evening.  I can't think like that.  

I am determined to stick with it even though my mind wants to tell me that it's not doing any good.  Another visit to Mexico is around the corner and I was hoping to be in beach shape, but it's not likely I'll even be down to the same size I was last year.  I am also going to make changes to my eating habits.  Today I drank the last Mountain Dew in my house.  I want to be done letting it control me. That sounds so stupid, but it's true.  I'm going to do some research and figure out the right way to eat and make a plan.  This is hard for me. I hate spending time doing this type of thing, but I want to see results and the only way to do that is to put forth the effort.  I need to kick it in gear because I'm fit to be fit.

6/6/11 Random Thoughts

I find myself often wishing for different skills or gifts that I admire in others.  Wishing I were better at planning ahead. Better at organizing.  More motivated.  Wishing that I enjoyed gardening instead of knowing that I might take the initiative to start one then knowing it would grow over with weeds.  Wishing I could pick out my outfits on Sunday for the whole week. Wishing I could actually be on time for work everyday.  Wishing I had better cooking skills. Wishing I were more witty and clever.  Wishing I were less socially awkward. Wishing I could strike up a conversation with anyone. Wishing I were more caring about others.

I often wish for family relationships that see in those around me.  A better relationship with my dad. A closer connection with my mom. A friendship with my sister.  Wishing my family actually enjoyed each others company instead of dreading seeing one another.  Wishing my family would take trips together instead of always saying it's too much of a hassle to even drive an hour to see one another or we're too busy to pick up the phone to call.  Wishing my family were capable of having fun together instead of suffering through a holiday meal.

I often wonder if I will regret my decision to not have children when it's too late. I wonder if this relationship is right for me, if it's the best one there is for me.  (I have dreams and imagine so much more.)  I wonder will I regret not doing everything in my power to travel or live abroad like I've always wanted to do.  I wonder how much I will regret not finding a different job and sticking with the one I have out of fear. I wonder if I will kick myself for allowing fear to take over my life. I wonder if I will ever get beyond feeling too afraid to feel.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to allow myself to feel vulnerable again. I wonder if I will ever have it in me to cry and feel the pain of loss when those times come.

I thought I had come so far, but all of these thoughts consume me daily and it tells me that I've fallen backward.

Brazillian

No, I'm not talking waxing here.  I could, but I won't.

I am always logged into one or two messengers throughout the day (usually ICQ and Yahoo!), but it's not any big deal really. There's never anyone to talk to.  Yesterday, however, a little notification popped up telling me Dani was online. I was so giddy I almost peed myself. Seriously. 

Dani was an exchange student from Brazil when I was in 10th or 11th grade. She and I became great friends.  She has only been able to come back to the U.S. to visit once since that time and I rarely am able to talk with her.  It's literally been years.  So when she came online yesterday, I was estatic.

We chatted for quite a while. What I love about Dani is that she and I can usually pick right up where we left off without hesitation.  She's funny and straight forward and I just love that. 

Naturally, we talked about wanting to visit in person.  I got online and started checking to see how much a ticket to Brazil would be. Holy hell!  I could fly half way around the world for less than a ticket to Brazil.  What on Earth?  It was very depressing. 

I don't know what to do for sure.  So many friends live so far away and I'd love to visit all of them.  It seems so unrealistic though.  I need some frequent flyer miles or something. But, I suppose I'd actually have to go place to accumulate any.  Ugh.  What does one do?

Entering the 21st Century (and a rant)

When we moved at the end of June last year into a very small cabin-like home, I decided to store my big, very old and bulky PC and forgo internet service.  It wasn't a big deal to me because I had access to the internet at work and I've "gone without" similar luxuries before (3 years without any kind of television service). After nine months without an internet connection at home, I finally caved.  And not only did I finally have internet service at home, but I also bought a new laptop (which I love!!!) with the help of my techie BFF.

I decided to make my way back into the realm of the 21st century, not because I was having withdrawals and couldn't live without it, but because it was frustrating that every time we wanted to look something up we couldn't.  Every time we wanted to check a bank balance or try to make vacation plans or look for ideas to redo the closet, we had to either bug someone else or do it after work.  It was inconvenient.

For me, it is still a tough adjustment.  I hate paying so much for internet service. I hate paying for a lot of things though. =)  Particularly, where we live (in the boonies), there are very few options for internet service providers. There is no real competition. You either take what you can get or you don't get. 

I also find myself wasting a lot of time checking Facebook and checking my email (and I get very few emails of substance from friends and family).  The internet can certainly be addicting, as is television (one of the reasons I didn't have it before and would prefer not to have it now).  So, I'm going to try to make a pact with myself to be productive when online and limit my internet play time. 

Now, I'm considering a new phone. My phone is very outdated and is a flip-phone.

**Pausing for laughter**

My tech savvy BFF is pointing me in the direction of an Andriod phone.  It's so very frustrating though.  Not only are they expensive to buy, but you get locked into this 2-year contract with your service provider (in this case, Verizon and formerly Alltel which I liked a great deal better) and you have to pay an arm and a leg for an additional data plan.  Let's not forget that I'm already paying a small fortune for a phone plan for minutes that I hardly use because of my Friends & Family numbers (people you can call without using your minutes), but without that specific plan, I don't have the Friends and Family numbers.  Not to mention that, because I live in the boonies and rely on my cell phone at home, I have limited service in my area so I have to stick with this service provider because others have very spotty service here.  I would think, by now, these cell phone companies could get their act together and actually provide service everywhere (or maybe they can and just don't).  What a crock!  It seems no matter what it is today (internet, cell phones, satellite/cable, gasoline), you have very few actual choices as the consumer.  The service providers get you coming and going.  It just pisses me off and that is why I have avoided for so long taking the plunge.

Eventually, I will have to decide what to do because my phone is truly on it's last leg. I just hate the added cost of all of it.  I am slowly re-entering the 21st Century though.  One step at a time.

Morning cocktail

This is my morning cocktail -

I wake up every day and take these 10 pills. I then drink 10 oz of water mixed with OxyDHQ.  Throughout the rest of the day, I take an additional 8 pills and drink another 10 oz of water mixed with OxyDHQ.  On top of that, I am drinking 70-80 oz of water a day.  I feel like a floating pill popper.  

This pill popping won’t last forever.  I will be done with six of the ten morning pill cocktail by the end of the week, but that is after three months of taking that particular pill.  This, however, assumes that my test results come back saying that the pills have done what we have hoped to the extent that we want.  I have not been given a timeline on the rest of the pills yet, but downing twelve pills a day instead of eighteen will be great.

All of this is part of my regimen given by the Out of Pocket doctor.  All of the pills and liquids and creams and gels that I take or use are natural.  The Ionic Detoxification foot baths that I have been doing are a holistic method to rid one’s body of toxins. 

 

Overall, I have been feeling great.  I am trying to exercise patience, but I am ready for the final result. I want to be completely fixed NOW.  I know that that is not a reasonable expectation so I am striving to maintain a positive outlook even though my pocket book is really beginning to feel the effects of this Out of Network experience.  All the pills, creams, gels, drinks, time and money are going to be worth it in the long run.  I just know it.

Neglect

I've completely neglected most of my goals for 2011.  I usually do not like to commit things in writing (hello commitaphobe) which  is why I haven't shared my goals with anyone anywhere.  I suppose it's the fear of disappointing people if I don't attain a goal which, as part of the whole codependent thing, can be detrimental to my self-esteem.  Or, at least, it has been in the past.  One of my goals was to write more here. Obviously I haven't done so well.

It isn't that I don't like to write. I've found that I spend a lot of time carefully choosing my words and being careful not to rock the boat.  I have a tendency to say things without thinking of their ramifications or who it might hurt or how it might impact others so it's easier to not say anything at all.  This is tedious and nerve-wracking, especially for me.  Anymore, I avoid things that cause me anxiety so I've been avoiding this place. 

I also find myself thinking that writing here is kind of pointless.  What is there to say that the people that I know read don't already know?  Also there's that element of exposure. I've always kept my deepest thoughts, fears and secrets to myself. Not even my best friend in the whole world knows my deep, dark secrets.  Fear of rejection? Fear of not being accepted?  A deep seeded fear caused by those close to me leaking my secrets to a high school friend's mom causing years of torment and torture.  Or fear caused by a drunken mother's inability to keep things to herself and then torturing you in a drunken rage by throwing it all back in your teenage face.  It's all embedded deep down in there and I don't know how to let it all go.

I'll try harder.    And just for good measure...

2011 Goals

• Write more on my blog
• Drink water
• Drink less Mt. Dew
• Exercise, exercise, exercise
• Incorporate something for me into my life (another codependency issue) - a class, time for myself, reading, making time for those who are important to me
• Go to church

I've given you the generic version. The goals in my head are a little more specific, but I thought this would be a good start.

Dave Ramsey asks, "Would you fire you?"

I usually do not discuss politics or things of that nature with many people and especially not in public settings, but I think about this concept a lot. Particularly because I'm an accountant and I see a lot of wasted money and poor money management practices.  I am also concerned because my generation and those after me stand to suffer a great deal due to the mismanagement of finances.  (Don’t get me wrong. I don’t expect the government to manage my money, but we aren’t really given a choice in some instances.) So here's my philosophy (stolen from Dave Ramsey really) on governmental money management practices.

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Governments and businesses should consider this Dave Ramsey scenario: "If you work for a company called You Incorporated, and your job was to manage money for You Incorporated and you manage money for You Incorporated the same way you manage money for you now, would you fire you?"

Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. (Willy Wonka)

If you managed your money they way you manage the government’s (the people’s) money or the business’s money now, would you fire you?

Nellie

Even though I complain about many aspects of my job, one of the perks, thanks to our union contract, is the excessive amount of time we get off around Christmas and New Years.  Technically, its two days for Christmas (plus Christmas Eve and Christmas Day) and three days for New Year’s (plus New Year’s Eve and New Year’s day).  So it ends up being a good week and a half of paid time off away from work.

I had great plans for my time off this year.  Lots of cleaning and meeting up with people I hardly ever get to see.  All plans were squashed, though, when I came down with a sore throat turned serious sinus crap the day after Christmas.  I laid on the couch for a whole week canceling plans and additional Christmas gatherings.  It sucked.  I was most disappointed, though, about having to cancel on my best girl in the whole world Nellie.

Nellie is The Boy Left Behind’s fifteen year old daughter.  Nellie has been part of my life (and I hers) since she was a year and a half old.  I love that girl as if she were my own child.  I’ve spent a good deal of the last 14 years helping to raise her. I feel like I have gone through much of what most parents’ experience.  I’ve changed diapers, made bottles, gave baths, dressed, chased, disciplined, got up in the middle of the night, kissed boo-boos, hugged out hurt feelings and broken hearts, stayed up all night and held her hair back while she threw up, stayed home with her when she was sick, took her to school when she missed the bus, took her to the emergency room, doctor visits, gone to soccer, basketball and volleyball games, dance recitals, had heart to hearts and sex and period talks, played, laughed and cried.  All the things that parents do.  So, when The Boy Left Behind and I broke up, my heart ached for what it may mean for my relationship with Nellie. 

It’s taken some time, but I had no doubt that I would be able to see Nellie. If nothing else, I give some credit to The Boy Left Behind because he knows that I love her and am good to her and he would never keep me from her.  Nellie and I have text a lot and, in the Fall, I was able to go to a volleyball game.  Over my holiday break, we were planning for her to come and stay the night, but I got sick and all of our plans were squashed.  However, this past weekend, I was able to make arrangements with The Boy Left Behind and I picked her up on Saturday.  We had a GREAT time together.  We were able to talk, be silly, laugh and we spent a lot of time crying.  I miss that so much.  Nellie even got her first pedicure ever.  It was hilarious because she’s extremely ticklish and the pedicurist was quite the comedian.

Nellie is having a rough go of things right now.  She and her mom argue and fight a lot.  My understanding is that that is somewhat normal for a girl her age and it happens in a lot of households, but I have nothing to base this on because my mom was an absent alcoholic at this time in my life so I was pretty much on my own.  Nellie also struggles with everything surrounding her dad and his girlfriend having a baby and some issues that go way, way back.  I feel so helpless.  I just want to be able to take her away and make it all better, but I can’t.  The best I can do is be there for her, try to help her through it, and offer the best guidance I can while still allowing her to make decisions for herself.  The amazing thing about all of this is that she shows such emotional maturity about so many things. She’s definitely more emotionally intelligent than I was at even 25 in some respects.  It’s just so sad to watch and know that there is absolutely nothing I can do.  But I also know that my struggles in life made me who I am and, possibly, a better person.  I just pray that she becomes a better person for all of her struggles and doesn’t, at some point, get lost trying find sanity, safety, security and love in all the wrong places.

Since Nellie's birthday is in December, I got her a little something too.  I'm glad I did because she later told me how she cried when her dad and I broke up because she was afraid she'd never see me again.  The engraving on this necklace is often called The Adoption Poem, but I felt it suited our relationship perfectly.

 

I just can't help myself. I love that kid!