Sisters

I mentioned once, briefly, that my sister and I haven’t spoken in over two years.  At least, we haven’t shared more than niceties at holiday dinners and the like.  At my niece’s graduation, she hugged me goodbye and held me with a death grip as she began to sob.  She whispered in my ear that she missed her sister and that she wished we could get together to talk.  Not knowing what to say at that exact moment, I said I’d call her and we’d have coffee or something.  

Well, some time went by and I received a random email from her (just a pic of my brother-in-law and a bust he made).  I decided to reply to it and see if she wanted to set up a date to get together. We settled on a date and we met up last weekend at a coffee house.  I purposely picked a neutral place in a neutral town so we could be on impartial territory without interruption.  

When I arrived (it took me 10 minutes to park because neither of us realized that there was an apple festival going on that day), we ordered coffee and grabbed a table.  For the first three hours (THREE HOURS), we chatted about her three kids, our dad, family, our moms, etc.  When we realized it was nearing closing time, we decided it was time to face the elephant in the room.  

Facing the issue and talking about it was actually the shortest part of our 4+ hour conversation.  It was surprisingly easy to say what we needed to say, explain what needed explanation, apologize and move on.  I’m glad we did it. I’m glad that we have made amends.  

Now, we wait and see if sisters can actually be sisters.  Time will tell if we can be friends instead of her being the big sister (she’s 10 years older) who feels responsible for my well-being and wants to mother me and me being the rebellious kid who defies everything she says.  Keeping my fingers crossed.

Making amends is a great thing. It’s freeing to the soul.  If you have things that have gone unsaid with someone in your life, making the effort to forgive and mend the relationship is worth it.   Sometimes it does take time to get over things or come to a place of forgiveness, but it feels mighty good when you reach that point.

 (Unfortunately, I shouldn't show you her face, but this was the best picture together we've ever had and it was unintentional. This was a few years and about 15 lbs ago.)

On this day

In 2001, I witnessed my first real, memorable tragedy.  It was the first historical event that I actually recall. 

I was living with my dad and his wife at the time.  I had just gotten up and was getting a bowl of cereal before work.  As was the norm, the radio in the kitchen was on.  As I was pouring my cereal, the radio announcer was saying that the World Trade Center had been bombed.  To be completely honest, I had no idea what the World Trade Center or the Twin Towers were.  I didn't have an inkling of the magnitude of what I had just heard. 

I went downstairs and told my dad about the "bombing."  His face was immediately wrought with worry and I instantly became aware that this was bigger than I realized.  My dad, you see, was a Vietnam Vet. It's not something he talks about, but his commitment to our country is unwavering.  I had never witnessed the look on his face that he had that day.

As I sat down on the couch, my dad turned the TV on.  We sat together watching the events unfold.  We watched as they played and replayed the second plane crashing into the Twin Towers.  We watched as the plane crashed into the Pentagon and as the news of the forth plane crashing in Pennsylvania was delivered.  We watched as the towers came crashing down.  Even as I watched, I don't think I understood the magnitude of it all.  The lives that were lost.  The number of people who lost loved ones.  The efforts of the fireman, police, military, emergency workers, and your everyday, average person.  I will never forget that day. 

My thoughts and prayers go out to all those whose lives have been affected by 9/11 and to all those who work so hard protecting our country and freedom each and everyday.

Broken

This quote sums up the tears in my eyes and how I feel today:

You don't die from a broken heart - you only wish you did.

~Anonymous

Thanking my body

After a month or so of self-loathing, I wanted to reach out and hug myself last night.  For several months now, I have been working out regularly. I have felt the difference in my body. I can actually feel the strong muscles underneath a little layer of cushion. Even still, I wasn't happy.  I wasn't seeing the difference in my waistline, hips and thighs and that led to me feeling defeated. 

Last night, I did my usual workout.  And I've decided that running has worked for me in the past to trim my waistline so, after the workout, I hopped on the treadmill.  I have some Couch to 5k workouts taped the the treadmill. I don't know which weeks they are though.  So I just picked one and went for it.  Turns out, I picked week 3.  AND it was so easy!

The last time I tried doing the C25K program, it took me five weeks to work up to week 3.  This is how I know that my body is transforming. Running has never felt so easy for me.  Getting my body in shape and toning muscles first has really seemed to help in other forms of exercise. 

I was really very proud of myself last night. I even amped up the speed on the last running interval and it didn't even phase me. It felt good. OMW! Did I just say that?

So, for now, I'm going to ride the high that I got from being so proud of how my body has transformed. Thank you very much body!

(And if anyone wants recommendations for in home DVDs, hit me up. With an initial investment of about $20, you can do what I've been doing.)

Fit to be Fit

Nearly three months ago, I started exercising with a friend of a friend.  Each night after work, we meet up at my landlord's (who has a spacious garage, of sorts), put in a workout DVD (workout DVDs have come a long way since Jane Fonda) and work up a good sweat and some sore muscles.  

We really went at it hardcore for the first few weeks.  But Tracy, my friend's friend, starting showing signs that it was time to take a day or two off.  So we did. Sometimes it really helps to take a few days off. We were going at it so hard every single day that we overworked ourselves.  We picked right back up and continued to go hard 5-6 days a week.

Since summer has started to finally set in, though, we've gotten off kilter.  I'm hoping to pick back up here in the next few days and really start hitting it hard again.  The thing is, at this point, we really need to change up the routine. We have several DVDs that we rotate, but they've all become pretty routine and I feel very little change taking place.

At this point, I also really need to reevaluate my goals.  I started out wanting to be healthy and fit.  I wanted to feel stronger, have better posture and start fitting back into last summer's clothes.  It's funny how I can be meeting the majority of those goals and, yet, one goal that I seem to not be meeting is bringing me way down.

I've been in dire need of some new dress pants for work. (I need jeans too, but I spend 5 out of 7 days at work so, really, I can get by with 1 or 2 pair of jeans.)  I literally have three pair of dress pants (that I can fit into) that I rotate throughout the 5 day week.  Pants are really hard for me to find.  I have a full derrière, full thighs and some saddlebags.  All features I'm fine with until it comes to shopping for pants.  It has been at least three years since I shopped for pants. I hate it!

I've tried curvy fit pants and they are way too baggy in the aforementioned regions. Regular fit are too tight.  I've tried different brands and different styles.  I finally went on a mini pant-finding mission with a friend from work and bought three new pairs of pants IN THE SAME COLORS I ALREADY HAVE!  That was discouraging because I was really hoping to find some summery pants, not black, brown and gray.  To add to my displeasure, I had to go up, yet, another size. 

And that, my friends, has brought me into the biggest pity party imaginable.  I KNOW that exercise takes time.  I KNOW that I am feeling stronger. I can actually feel muscles people!  My posture is better, I can feel it.  I've progressed in my workouts. I have increased endurance and stamina.  But I still have this growing tire around my middle and it is driving me batty.  

I've surely gained 20 pounds in the last few years. I'm not obese or even fat by any means. I know this.  I'm not trying to compare myself or my weight to anyone else.  I just don't feel like me. I am a puffy, uncomfortable version of myself and it's on my mind constantly.  I am continually trying to find the outfit to hide it all which is burdensome.  A state of self-loathing has set in.  

I've dealt with years of anorexic behavior (it's amazing the images our minds perceive when looking in that mirror that are so unreal) and I promised never to go back to that. I have undoubtedly screwed up my entire system because of it.  I've actually grown very fond of eating. LOL  I know the next steps in my journey need to be a change in eating habits along with exercise to be completely successful.  Add in some positive thinking and reinforcement.  

Working out daily after work is tough. Things like a tidy and clean house suffer.  It takes a lot of time to come home, change your clothes, do the actual workout, shower and then fix dinner, eat and clean up. You're entire evening is shot.  I start thinking of all the things that need to be done and aren't getting done and I start to want to cut back on my workouts and am constantly thinking of how they are impeding on my evening.  I can't think like that.  

I am determined to stick with it even though my mind wants to tell me that it's not doing any good.  Another visit to Mexico is around the corner and I was hoping to be in beach shape, but it's not likely I'll even be down to the same size I was last year.  I am also going to make changes to my eating habits.  Today I drank the last Mountain Dew in my house.  I want to be done letting it control me. That sounds so stupid, but it's true.  I'm going to do some research and figure out the right way to eat and make a plan.  This is hard for me. I hate spending time doing this type of thing, but I want to see results and the only way to do that is to put forth the effort.  I need to kick it in gear because I'm fit to be fit.