Entering the 21st Century (and a rant)

When we moved at the end of June last year into a very small cabin-like home, I decided to store my big, very old and bulky PC and forgo internet service.  It wasn't a big deal to me because I had access to the internet at work and I've "gone without" similar luxuries before (3 years without any kind of television service). After nine months without an internet connection at home, I finally caved.  And not only did I finally have internet service at home, but I also bought a new laptop (which I love!!!) with the help of my techie BFF.

I decided to make my way back into the realm of the 21st century, not because I was having withdrawals and couldn't live without it, but because it was frustrating that every time we wanted to look something up we couldn't.  Every time we wanted to check a bank balance or try to make vacation plans or look for ideas to redo the closet, we had to either bug someone else or do it after work.  It was inconvenient.

For me, it is still a tough adjustment.  I hate paying so much for internet service. I hate paying for a lot of things though. =)  Particularly, where we live (in the boonies), there are very few options for internet service providers. There is no real competition. You either take what you can get or you don't get. 

I also find myself wasting a lot of time checking Facebook and checking my email (and I get very few emails of substance from friends and family).  The internet can certainly be addicting, as is television (one of the reasons I didn't have it before and would prefer not to have it now).  So, I'm going to try to make a pact with myself to be productive when online and limit my internet play time. 

Now, I'm considering a new phone. My phone is very outdated and is a flip-phone.

**Pausing for laughter**

My tech savvy BFF is pointing me in the direction of an Andriod phone.  It's so very frustrating though.  Not only are they expensive to buy, but you get locked into this 2-year contract with your service provider (in this case, Verizon and formerly Alltel which I liked a great deal better) and you have to pay an arm and a leg for an additional data plan.  Let's not forget that I'm already paying a small fortune for a phone plan for minutes that I hardly use because of my Friends & Family numbers (people you can call without using your minutes), but without that specific plan, I don't have the Friends and Family numbers.  Not to mention that, because I live in the boonies and rely on my cell phone at home, I have limited service in my area so I have to stick with this service provider because others have very spotty service here.  I would think, by now, these cell phone companies could get their act together and actually provide service everywhere (or maybe they can and just don't).  What a crock!  It seems no matter what it is today (internet, cell phones, satellite/cable, gasoline), you have very few actual choices as the consumer.  The service providers get you coming and going.  It just pisses me off and that is why I have avoided for so long taking the plunge.

Eventually, I will have to decide what to do because my phone is truly on it's last leg. I just hate the added cost of all of it.  I am slowly re-entering the 21st Century though.  One step at a time.

Morning cocktail

This is my morning cocktail -

I wake up every day and take these 10 pills. I then drink 10 oz of water mixed with OxyDHQ.  Throughout the rest of the day, I take an additional 8 pills and drink another 10 oz of water mixed with OxyDHQ.  On top of that, I am drinking 70-80 oz of water a day.  I feel like a floating pill popper.  

This pill popping won’t last forever.  I will be done with six of the ten morning pill cocktail by the end of the week, but that is after three months of taking that particular pill.  This, however, assumes that my test results come back saying that the pills have done what we have hoped to the extent that we want.  I have not been given a timeline on the rest of the pills yet, but downing twelve pills a day instead of eighteen will be great.

All of this is part of my regimen given by the Out of Pocket doctor.  All of the pills and liquids and creams and gels that I take or use are natural.  The Ionic Detoxification foot baths that I have been doing are a holistic method to rid one’s body of toxins. 

 

Overall, I have been feeling great.  I am trying to exercise patience, but I am ready for the final result. I want to be completely fixed NOW.  I know that that is not a reasonable expectation so I am striving to maintain a positive outlook even though my pocket book is really beginning to feel the effects of this Out of Network experience.  All the pills, creams, gels, drinks, time and money are going to be worth it in the long run.  I just know it.

Neglect

I've completely neglected most of my goals for 2011.  I usually do not like to commit things in writing (hello commitaphobe) which  is why I haven't shared my goals with anyone anywhere.  I suppose it's the fear of disappointing people if I don't attain a goal which, as part of the whole codependent thing, can be detrimental to my self-esteem.  Or, at least, it has been in the past.  One of my goals was to write more here. Obviously I haven't done so well.

It isn't that I don't like to write. I've found that I spend a lot of time carefully choosing my words and being careful not to rock the boat.  I have a tendency to say things without thinking of their ramifications or who it might hurt or how it might impact others so it's easier to not say anything at all.  This is tedious and nerve-wracking, especially for me.  Anymore, I avoid things that cause me anxiety so I've been avoiding this place. 

I also find myself thinking that writing here is kind of pointless.  What is there to say that the people that I know read don't already know?  Also there's that element of exposure. I've always kept my deepest thoughts, fears and secrets to myself. Not even my best friend in the whole world knows my deep, dark secrets.  Fear of rejection? Fear of not being accepted?  A deep seeded fear caused by those close to me leaking my secrets to a high school friend's mom causing years of torment and torture.  Or fear caused by a drunken mother's inability to keep things to herself and then torturing you in a drunken rage by throwing it all back in your teenage face.  It's all embedded deep down in there and I don't know how to let it all go.

I'll try harder.    And just for good measure...

2011 Goals

• Write more on my blog
• Drink water
• Drink less Mt. Dew
• Exercise, exercise, exercise
• Incorporate something for me into my life (another codependency issue) - a class, time for myself, reading, making time for those who are important to me
• Go to church

I've given you the generic version. The goals in my head are a little more specific, but I thought this would be a good start.

Dave Ramsey asks, "Would you fire you?"

I usually do not discuss politics or things of that nature with many people and especially not in public settings, but I think about this concept a lot. Particularly because I'm an accountant and I see a lot of wasted money and poor money management practices.  I am also concerned because my generation and those after me stand to suffer a great deal due to the mismanagement of finances.  (Don’t get me wrong. I don’t expect the government to manage my money, but we aren’t really given a choice in some instances.) So here's my philosophy (stolen from Dave Ramsey really) on governmental money management practices.

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Governments and businesses should consider this Dave Ramsey scenario: "If you work for a company called You Incorporated, and your job was to manage money for You Incorporated and you manage money for You Incorporated the same way you manage money for you now, would you fire you?"

Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. (Willy Wonka)

If you managed your money they way you manage the government’s (the people’s) money or the business’s money now, would you fire you?

Nellie

Even though I complain about many aspects of my job, one of the perks, thanks to our union contract, is the excessive amount of time we get off around Christmas and New Years.  Technically, its two days for Christmas (plus Christmas Eve and Christmas Day) and three days for New Year’s (plus New Year’s Eve and New Year’s day).  So it ends up being a good week and a half of paid time off away from work.

I had great plans for my time off this year.  Lots of cleaning and meeting up with people I hardly ever get to see.  All plans were squashed, though, when I came down with a sore throat turned serious sinus crap the day after Christmas.  I laid on the couch for a whole week canceling plans and additional Christmas gatherings.  It sucked.  I was most disappointed, though, about having to cancel on my best girl in the whole world Nellie.

Nellie is The Boy Left Behind’s fifteen year old daughter.  Nellie has been part of my life (and I hers) since she was a year and a half old.  I love that girl as if she were my own child.  I’ve spent a good deal of the last 14 years helping to raise her. I feel like I have gone through much of what most parents’ experience.  I’ve changed diapers, made bottles, gave baths, dressed, chased, disciplined, got up in the middle of the night, kissed boo-boos, hugged out hurt feelings and broken hearts, stayed up all night and held her hair back while she threw up, stayed home with her when she was sick, took her to school when she missed the bus, took her to the emergency room, doctor visits, gone to soccer, basketball and volleyball games, dance recitals, had heart to hearts and sex and period talks, played, laughed and cried.  All the things that parents do.  So, when The Boy Left Behind and I broke up, my heart ached for what it may mean for my relationship with Nellie. 

It’s taken some time, but I had no doubt that I would be able to see Nellie. If nothing else, I give some credit to The Boy Left Behind because he knows that I love her and am good to her and he would never keep me from her.  Nellie and I have text a lot and, in the Fall, I was able to go to a volleyball game.  Over my holiday break, we were planning for her to come and stay the night, but I got sick and all of our plans were squashed.  However, this past weekend, I was able to make arrangements with The Boy Left Behind and I picked her up on Saturday.  We had a GREAT time together.  We were able to talk, be silly, laugh and we spent a lot of time crying.  I miss that so much.  Nellie even got her first pedicure ever.  It was hilarious because she’s extremely ticklish and the pedicurist was quite the comedian.

Nellie is having a rough go of things right now.  She and her mom argue and fight a lot.  My understanding is that that is somewhat normal for a girl her age and it happens in a lot of households, but I have nothing to base this on because my mom was an absent alcoholic at this time in my life so I was pretty much on my own.  Nellie also struggles with everything surrounding her dad and his girlfriend having a baby and some issues that go way, way back.  I feel so helpless.  I just want to be able to take her away and make it all better, but I can’t.  The best I can do is be there for her, try to help her through it, and offer the best guidance I can while still allowing her to make decisions for herself.  The amazing thing about all of this is that she shows such emotional maturity about so many things. She’s definitely more emotionally intelligent than I was at even 25 in some respects.  It’s just so sad to watch and know that there is absolutely nothing I can do.  But I also know that my struggles in life made me who I am and, possibly, a better person.  I just pray that she becomes a better person for all of her struggles and doesn’t, at some point, get lost trying find sanity, safety, security and love in all the wrong places.

Since Nellie's birthday is in December, I got her a little something too.  I'm glad I did because she later told me how she cried when her dad and I broke up because she was afraid she'd never see me again.  The engraving on this necklace is often called The Adoption Poem, but I felt it suited our relationship perfectly.

 

I just can't help myself. I love that kid!