Thursday, June 30, 2011

Thanking my body

After a month or so of self-loathing, I wanted to reach out and hug myself last night.  For several months now, I have been working out regularly. I have felt the difference in my body. I can actually feel the strong muscles underneath a little layer of cushion. Even still, I wasn't happy.  I wasn't seeing the difference in my waistline, hips and thighs and that led to me feeling defeated. 

Last night, I did my usual workout.  And I've decided that running has worked for me in the past to trim my waistline so, after the workout, I hopped on the treadmill.  I have some Couch to 5k workouts taped the the treadmill. I don't know which weeks they are though.  So I just picked one and went for it.  Turns out, I picked week 3.  AND it was so easy!

The last time I tried doing the C25K program, it took me five weeks to work up to week 3.  This is how I know that my body is transforming. Running has never felt so easy for me.  Getting my body in shape and toning muscles first has really seemed to help in other forms of exercise. 

I was really very proud of myself last night. I even amped up the speed on the last running interval and it didn't even phase me. It felt good. OMW! Did I just say that?

So, for now, I'm going to ride the high that I got from being so proud of how my body has transformed. Thank you very much body!

(And if anyone wants recommendations for in home DVDs, hit me up. With an initial investment of about $20, you can do what I've been doing.)

Friday, June 17, 2011

Fit to be Fit

Nearly three months ago, I started exercising with a friend of a friend.  Each night after work, we meet up at my landlord's (who has a spacious garage, of sorts), put in a workout DVD (workout DVDs have come a long way since Jane Fonda) and work up a good sweat and some sore muscles.  

We really went at it hardcore for the first few weeks.  But Tracy, my friend's friend, starting showing signs that it was time to take a day or two off.  So we did. Sometimes it really helps to take a few days off. We were going at it so hard every single day that we overworked ourselves.  We picked right back up and continued to go hard 5-6 days a week.

Since summer has started to finally set in, though, we've gotten off kilter.  I'm hoping to pick back up here in the next few days and really start hitting it hard again.  The thing is, at this point, we really need to change up the routine. We have several DVDs that we rotate, but they've all become pretty routine and I feel very little change taking place.

At this point, I also really need to reevaluate my goals.  I started out wanting to be healthy and fit.  I wanted to feel stronger, have better posture and start fitting back into last summer's clothes.  It's funny how I can be meeting the majority of those goals and, yet, one goal that I seem to not be meeting is bringing me way down.

I've been in dire need of some new dress pants for work. (I need jeans too, but I spend 5 out of 7 days at work so, really, I can get by with 1 or 2 pair of jeans.)  I literally have three pair of dress pants (that I can fit into) that I rotate throughout the 5 day week.  Pants are really hard for me to find.  I have a full derrière, full thighs and some saddlebags.  All features I'm fine with until it comes to shopping for pants.  It has been at least three years since I shopped for pants. I hate it!

I've tried curvy fit pants and they are way too baggy in the aforementioned regions. Regular fit are too tight.  I've tried different brands and different styles.  I finally went on a mini pant-finding mission with a friend from work and bought three new pairs of pants IN THE SAME COLORS I ALREADY HAVE!  That was discouraging because I was really hoping to find some summery pants, not black, brown and gray.  To add to my displeasure, I had to go up, yet, another size. 

And that, my friends, has brought me into the biggest pity party imaginable.  I KNOW that exercise takes time.  I KNOW that I am feeling stronger. I can actually feel muscles people!  My posture is better, I can feel it.  I've progressed in my workouts. I have increased endurance and stamina.  But I still have this growing tire around my middle and it is driving me batty.  

I've surely gained 20 pounds in the last few years. I'm not obese or even fat by any means. I know this.  I'm not trying to compare myself or my weight to anyone else.  I just don't feel like me. I am a puffy, uncomfortable version of myself and it's on my mind constantly.  I am continually trying to find the outfit to hide it all which is burdensome.  A state of self-loathing has set in.  

I've dealt with years of anorexic behavior (it's amazing the images our minds perceive when looking in that mirror that are so unreal) and I promised never to go back to that. I have undoubtedly screwed up my entire system because of it.  I've actually grown very fond of eating. LOL  I know the next steps in my journey need to be a change in eating habits along with exercise to be completely successful.  Add in some positive thinking and reinforcement.  

Working out daily after work is tough. Things like a tidy and clean house suffer.  It takes a lot of time to come home, change your clothes, do the actual workout, shower and then fix dinner, eat and clean up. You're entire evening is shot.  I start thinking of all the things that need to be done and aren't getting done and I start to want to cut back on my workouts and am constantly thinking of how they are impeding on my evening.  I can't think like that.  

I am determined to stick with it even though my mind wants to tell me that it's not doing any good.  Another visit to Mexico is around the corner and I was hoping to be in beach shape, but it's not likely I'll even be down to the same size I was last year.  I am also going to make changes to my eating habits.  Today I drank the last Mountain Dew in my house.  I want to be done letting it control me. That sounds so stupid, but it's true.  I'm going to do some research and figure out the right way to eat and make a plan.  This is hard for me. I hate spending time doing this type of thing, but I want to see results and the only way to do that is to put forth the effort.  I need to kick it in gear because I'm fit to be fit.

Monday, June 6, 2011

6/6/11 Random Thoughts

I find myself often wishing for different skills or gifts that I admire in others.  Wishing I were better at planning ahead. Better at organizing.  More motivated.  Wishing that I enjoyed gardening instead of knowing that I might take the initiative to start one then knowing it would grow over with weeds.  Wishing I could pick out my outfits on Sunday for the whole week. Wishing I could actually be on time for work everyday.  Wishing I had better cooking skills. Wishing I were more witty and clever.  Wishing I were less socially awkward. Wishing I could strike up a conversation with anyone. Wishing I were more caring about others.

I often wish for family relationships that see in those around me.  A better relationship with my dad. A closer connection with my mom. A friendship with my sister.  Wishing my family actually enjoyed each others company instead of dreading seeing one another.  Wishing my family would take trips together instead of always saying it's too much of a hassle to even drive an hour to see one another or we're too busy to pick up the phone to call.  Wishing my family were capable of having fun together instead of suffering through a holiday meal.

I often wonder if I will regret my decision to not have children when it's too late. I wonder if this relationship is right for me, if it's the best one there is for me.  (I have dreams and imagine so much more.)  I wonder will I regret not doing everything in my power to travel or live abroad like I've always wanted to do.  I wonder how much I will regret not finding a different job and sticking with the one I have out of fear. I wonder if I will kick myself for allowing fear to take over my life. I wonder if I will ever get beyond feeling too afraid to feel.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to allow myself to feel vulnerable again. I wonder if I will ever have it in me to cry and feel the pain of loss when those times come.

I thought I had come so far, but all of these thoughts consume me daily and it tells me that I've fallen backward.

Friday, June 3, 2011


No, I'm not talking waxing here.  I could, but I won't.

I am always logged into one or two messengers throughout the day (usually ICQ and Yahoo!), but it's not any big deal really. There's never anyone to talk to.  Yesterday, however, a little notification popped up telling me Dani was online. I was so giddy I almost peed myself. Seriously. 

Dani was an exchange student from Brazil when I was in 10th or 11th grade. She and I became great friends.  She has only been able to come back to the U.S. to visit once since that time and I rarely am able to talk with her.  It's literally been years.  So when she came online yesterday, I was estatic.

We chatted for quite a while. What I love about Dani is that she and I can usually pick right up where we left off without hesitation.  She's funny and straight forward and I just love that. 

Naturally, we talked about wanting to visit in person.  I got online and started checking to see how much a ticket to Brazil would be. Holy hell!  I could fly half way around the world for less than a ticket to Brazil.  What on Earth?  It was very depressing. 

I don't know what to do for sure.  So many friends live so far away and I'd love to visit all of them.  It seems so unrealistic though.  I need some frequent flyer miles or something. But, I suppose I'd actually have to go place to accumulate any.  Ugh.  What does one do?