Update 10-27-12

I am not going to apologize for my lack of blogging. I don't care for it when others do it.  I write when I can and I write when I am able - mentally.  I wish, though, that I were a great blogger with lots of things to say that lots of people wanted to hear.  I have a lot of things to say, but I just don't like saying them where people can see them.  I suppose it has something to do with the need/desire to be accepted, never wanting to stir the pot and a fear or who might read what I really think/feel.

A lot has taken place over the last few months.  Yesterday and today were milestones in my relationship.  The details, I'm unwilling to share.  The situation is tender and delicate and should be treated as such.  I am very cognizant of the fact that I am in a relationship with a man who has children and what a delicate and fragile situation that is or can be.  Not just for the children, but for all involved.  I will say, however, a milestone was crossed today.

Work has been challenging lately. Not just with the situation in my office which is huge, but the overall morale is down in extreme ways. It saddens me.  While I have been afforded new opportunities, I have also been challenged with different personalities and people that I do not trust. This puts me in a position where I constantly contemplate every move I make and my purpose. I don't like that and I don't like to be surrounded by things that I find untrustworthy.

There has been a huge baby boom. I am surrounded by friends and family who are pregnant and having children.  Those people who I am surrounded by are also surrounded by women who are pregnant and I find it just amazing.  I am thankful that I am very close with nieces who are both with child and I have been afforded the opportunity to feel the miracle (as best as an outsider can) that takes place inside a mother's body.  I spent well over an hour with one niece with my hands on her belly and pushing here and there and rubbing to feel movement of the little baby boy growing inside her belly.  Feeling him kick and putting my ear to her belly to listen to his movements. What a miracle!  I am also amazed at how differently individuals react to pregnancy.  I don't know as though I will ever experience this miracle, but I am in awe and amazed at every turn.

Speaking of babies, I took part in making a quilt for the first time ever. We (two other friends and I) made it for another friend who is having a baby.  I am super proud of said quilt. My part was to sew all of the little square together. I had never used a sewing machine prior to that day. My friend K's mom was there to help us. My job was the sew the each little square together. I was fascinated and geeked to finally learn how to use a sewing machine.  I am so proud of the job we did.

This is year two of bowling on a league and I'm having so much fun. I am not a consistent bowler, but I can say that I have improved a great deal from last year to this year.  I never fathomed that I would bowl. I've never been a good bowler.  Last year, however, my cousin (one that I spent a lot of time with as a child, but not so much as adults) asked me to bowl every other week. I agreed. I needed something outside of the house and relationship, at that time, to do.  I wasn't all that good last year, but I am continuously improving. It's fun to just get out, do something new, meet new people and have some girl time.

I've made a ton of new friends in the past year or two and they are amazing and they keep me busy (along with work), but I am missing some of my older friends. I feel like we are drifting apart. It's totally a cliche.  The farther apart you are, the easier it is to drift apart. I hate it. I despise it.  Everyone's lives are changing and we all become too busy to even catch up or visit.  It makes me sad. I feel like I am only one person, though, and it's so hard to reach out to everyone.  I struggle, so much, with this issue.  I just, this instant, had an epiphany though. In July, I went to see a counselor and she suggested skype for one of my friends. Why did I, just now, think to apply that same answer to my other, far-away friends? 

Sadly, I must report that, there is something wrong with my mother. Medically. And no one can figure out what.  My mom does not have insurance so she has to rely on the free clinic.  Surprisingly, to me anyway, they sent her for a CT scan, blood work and a MRI. They didn't find anything, but I can tell you that something isn't right. Her speech is funny, she is slow and lethargic, tired all of the time and she won't even finish a beer sometimes. If there is anything to know about my mom, it is that she never has trouble drinking beer. Sometimes, she won't even finish one. This is very unusual. It took a while for her to admit that she doesn't feel good. She says her legs feel heavy and she's tired a lot.  The doctor at the free clinic says that he hasn't found anything, but something isn't right. She doens't go back, now, for a month, but I am worried.

Surely there are a million other updates (like how I'm finally doing something to my living room - decorating is flipping expensive!), but I'm sure this is a long post already.  I will say that it is nice to get some things out there. I have attempted to keep a feelings journal, but have a constant fear of whose hands it might fall into so I don't write in it much either.  Occasionally, though, I enjoy putting something out there even if no one reads it.

Struggles

I’m at a point in my life where things should be great. Things are great. I’ve met someone who is great. I have some great new friends and have been crazy busy doing new things with new people and life is great. Yet, I still struggle.  I struggle to find balance. I struggle to find a way to stay connected with old friends. The ones who have helped me survive in the past and who I love dearly. I struggle to connect with family. I struggle with my great, new relationship. I struggle with work (many, many changes are afoot), and I struggle with the fact that I’m struggling. I should be happier than I have ever been. And, in some ways, I am.  Yet there are many things that still linger. 

I look around me and I don’t feel that I have the right to be so unhappy about things.  Many of my loved ones and friends are struggling with life situations that are far worse than mine and I often don’t feel that it’s fair of me to also burden them with my issues.  And because people are so busy with their own lives, they often aren’t able to offer the support I am looking for and I find that, even though I am surrounded by people, I am very alone.   

I struggle with knowing whether or not my reactions to situations and my feelings are healthy.  And how do I know that?  A person’s feelings are their feelings. I often find myself trying to talk myself out of feeling the way I do.  How is anyone supposed to have regard for my feelings when I never tell anyone what they are?

I’ve been struggling enough to put myself back into counseling. Unfortunately, the person I saw before is no longer in this area so I have had to see someone new. Very daunting. I have only met with her once, but she seemed like someone I could work with.  I hope and pray for good results.

Night Owl: How to be a Day-Timer

 "The early bird catches the worm."

Photo courtesy dicktay2000

Recently, I was flipping through my stats (something I don't normally do) and I noticed that people have landed on my blog by looking for ways to live in the Day-Timer's world as a Night Owl.  Since I am a Night Owl and, over the last few years, have somewhat learned to adapt to my daytime job schedule, I thought I would share what I have learned.

Let me start by saying that, for a long time, I felt, yet again, out of place in this world knowing that I have always been a Night Owl.  Even in grade school, I liked to stay up late and sleep late.  In doing a smidge of googling on the subject, though, I find that it's not so abnormal.  What I find unfortunate for those of us who are Night Owls is that society and our jobs often dictate what kind of schedule we must maintain.

I won't go into what makes us Night Owls. Y'all can google that yourselves.  What I will tell you is what has helped me (though not "cured" me) adapt, somewhat to the Day-Timer's world.

• Knowing how much sleep I need.  This is very important for the next bullet point.  I personally know I need a good solid 8 hours of sleep.  Even this does not make me pop out of bed like a Pop Tart, but it does help.  I have read that Night Owls tend to wake right after there peak hour of sleepiness and, thus, still have relatively high levels of melatonin in their system which leaves us (me for sure) feeling groggy when that alarm clock goes off. There's no getting around that as far as I can tell and I fight it every single morning. I hate it!


• Go to bed at a specified time every single night. Select a time that allows you to get the amount of sleep you need.  As much as it's going to suck, you have to do it and stick with it.  For me, it's 10 pm.  And I don't mean go to be at 10:00 and read for an hour or even a half hour. Be in bed, trying to sleep at the time that you have calculated that will allow you to get enough sleep.  On the weekends, it is wise not to stray too far from your bedtime.  Midnight might be fine, but I do not allow myself to indulge in too many 2 am or later nights.  Late nights can be detrimental to the process.


• No TV in bed. This has not been much of an issue for me in recent years because I've never been a fan of having a TV in my bedroom.  If I do, it's for daytime use only. Too much stimuli.  You're brain can't shut down with all that flashing and whatnot.  I'm prone to having weird dreams about whatever I have watched in bed so I try to eliminate it altogether.


• Cut off the caffeine early and limit the intake.  I am a die-hard Mt Dew drinker so caffeine (and sugar) is ever-present in my life.  That being said, I typically limit myself to 1-20 oz Mt Dew per day and I finish it by 3 o'clock at the very latest on most days.  I used to be the person that would boast about how caffeine doesn't affect me.  Well, damn this 33 year old body, because it has started to affect me.


• Leave those shades and curtains open.  For several years, I put dark blankets, sheets, towels or anything dark or heavy over my windows so I could get some freaking sleep!  That sun was a surefire disruptor to my most precious sleep hours.  I still do this from time to time when I really need some sleep, but only on rare occasion.  Letting the natural light in will help you wake up (even in the weekends people!).  As annoying as it may be, you may learn (as I have) to appreciate it...most of the time.  What I find hard living where I do, is there isn't always light at the time I need to wake up. If there were, getting out of bed wouldn't be nearly as difficult at 6 am.  I've considered buying one of the natural light/wake up clocks. I just haven't been able to justify the cost in my mind. I'd be interested to hear from people who might have them.


• And the dreaded....exercise!  People, seriously, exercising is a pain. I know. I get it. But I swear on everything, when I'm exercising, I sleep 10 times better.  And I'm not talking a piddly thirty minute walk either. Those people that tell you that you can get fit in with a 30 minute walk make me insane.  Sure, if a person is severely heavy, 30 minutes will do a them wonders.  If you are average or even moderately overweight, you need more than a 30 minute walk. You need to tire that body out!  For light exercise, minimum of 45 minutes 4-7 days a week is what I think you need.  (I'm no personal trainer, I have no certifications. I speak solely from personal experience and research.) If you can do moderate to moderately hard exercise, you should opt for every other day or alternate some cardio days with strength-training days. Grab up some Jackie Warner DVDs or Jillian Michaels.  Grab a set of dumbbells.  If you are seriously having trouble sleeping, I really recommend wearing your body out with exercise.  



For me, exercise comes and goes. I do really well for a while and then I peter out.  I eventually get to a point where I don't sleep so well and I force myself back into it. It's a struggle.  I have a love/hate relationship with exercise.  I enjoy it when I do it and I feel good, but it's a hassle to schedule or find someone to commit to doing it with you. I get it. But no one will every motivate you but you. That's one thing I've learned.  So, it's up to you, but at least consider it.  Especially if you are a Night Owl and you are trying to force your body to change its natural clock. Seriously.

That's all I've got for now. None of them sound fun to the Night Owls. Trust me. I know! I hear you loud and clear.  I hate it. I hate forcing myself to go to bed at 10:00! Really??!!?!  I hate it! I am struggling with it right now because I'm in a new place and am surrounded by new people and new excitement around every bend. I'm highly distracted and would prefer to just enjoy my quiet time into the wee hours of the night.  And I have been backsliding and doing just that and it is not boding well for me or my already can't-help-but-be-tardy self at work.

These things have definitely helped me a ton in the past few years. I went from getting to work at 10:00 am or later to getting there around the time I'm really supposed to which is 8:00 am. I'm still late (that's a whole other issue, no?) and I still loathe getting up. I curse my alarm and the morning regularly. I still feel sluggish and sleepy-eyed.  I'm not saying you'll like it. I'm just saying that it helps adapt...a little bit...to the Day-Timer/Early Bird world.

Now We're Cooking...or not

 Photo courtesy K.I.T.

I have never really excelled at any one thing in life. I have always been good at many things, but never really good at any one thing.  How does the saying go? Jack of all trades, master of none.  That's me! 

There are several things that I would like to learn to do, but there is one thing on my mind at this moment.  Cooking!

It isn't that I can't cook. I can throw together a few things.  Nothing spectacular and probably nothing that I would ever feed people, but I get by.

Potlucks and events where I have to bring a passing dish are a nightmare.  I hate it. I never know what to bring. Growing up, I've always been the youngest and never had to really do any cooking or even bring a passing dish as an adult because I was the baby and I accepted my role graciously.  Now that I'm older and have come into a great group of friends, I'm a it embarrassed of my lack of cooking knowledge and experience.

Cooking just isn't something I understand. I usually tell people that I hate it, but the truth of the matter is that I just don't get it.  I'm actually obsessed with cooking shows, cookbooks, cooking blogs and cooking magazines. You should see the stacks of cookbooks and magazines I have. However, combine my lack of cooking knowledge with my lackadaisical ways and it makes for one pathetic cook.

I've always wanted to take some cooking classes. I want to understand cuts of meat. I want to understand flavors and how to combine them and make them work together. I want to understand textures. I want to know how to use a knife and how to actually chop something. Sure I can read about it, but remember I mentioned my lackadaisical ways? I'm lazy like that. I don't want to read about it. I've watched a few youtube videos on how to chop and mince, but it takes practice and without someone there with me to keep me practicing and to tell me what adjustments I need to make, it's not going to happen (ahem, lackadaisical. did I mention that?)

I grew up in the country and we pride ourselves on being meat and potatoes people.  In recent years, I've discovered that there is so much more and I want to experience those things, but I just don't understand them. Can someone please tell me what leeks are, what they taste like, how do you cook them, how do you clean them, and what do you do with them exactly?  I mean really?  And sure, I can read about that too, but I would do better with the hands on approach.

Cooking simply overwhelms me. So many things needs to be timed just so so that it all comes out together. When I look at a list of ingredients, I immediately become overwhelmed.  I really just want some guidance, some know-how, some practical application. Is that too much to ask?

Is it embarrassing to not know how to cook at 33 years of age? Is it embarrassing to sign up for cooking classes (if you can find them) at my age? Is it???

Maybe later, I'll address my desire for creativity and learning to sew.

Moving forward

Life has been a whirlwind since moving out on my own at the beginning of February.  I have been having so much fun that very little has been done to unpack boxes and organize my home.  I have spent time with my sister, evenings with friends, I've gone to parties, and spent a weekend in Traverse City.  I have also been talking to someone and spending some time with that person.  That last one isn't something that I have exactly gone public with, but I write it to share the self-discovery that I have had.

I have spent a great deal of time healing from a past relationship.  Never ever thinking I would fully get over it.  Meanwhile, I was in a relationship that wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either.  I have always wanted to be in a relationship that made me feel as though I wanted to be a better person. I wanted a relationship where I could thrive and we, as a couple, could thrive together.  One that allowed for each others personalities and quirks.  One that appreciated the uniqueness of each individual.  A relationship where there is mutual respect and trust, communication, similar interests and interest in one another. 

The relationship that I just ended was so not any of those things.  What makes me angry, though, is that I didn't take notice. I mean, that's the point of all of the counseling that I've done. To be able to recognize when my needs are not being met, to know when something is unhealthy, yet I did not realize it fully until I was away from it.  In addition to that, more realization came when I met someone who treats me the way I want, need and deserve to be treated. 

What is also upsetting is that I am finding that I have insecurities that have developed over the past 2+ years due to someone else's insecurities or issues.  I am self-conscious about things based on allowing another person to project their ideas or issues onto me.

Let me give you an example so you can understand what I mean.

On some Saturdays, I love to lay around and be lazy. I like to stay in my pjs and not shower or put make up on or do my  hair.  I get up a minimum of five days a week and do my hour and a half morning routine and I get tired of doing it.  So I should be able to take a day off from that and just be myself, yes? 

Well, in this last relationship, there were comments about how his ex wouldn't get up and shower on a given day and he'd be like, "What the hell? Aren't you going to do something with yourself today?"  He wouldn't necessarily say it aloud, but he'd think it. He was also sure to tell me about it. Repeatedly.  And he'd jokingly (we know that most of what people say jokingly, there is usually some truth to, right?) make comments if he came home from work on Saturday and I hadn't gotten myself showered, dressed and made up.  Eventually, I began to feel the pressure of having to go through my morning routine seven days a week. This is not relaxing for me. It's stressful.  And I allowed this to take over.  I allowed this to happen. I didn't allow myself to be me nor was I with someone who was accepting of me.


What is wrong with this picture???

I am very frustrated with myself for having allowed myself to go through this. Again!  All I can do at this point is be more aware in the future.  Pay attention to my gut. Listen to what my inner voice is telling me.  Move forward. 

I just don't know how to listen to that inner voice. What advice do you have? How do you recognize that inner voice when it talks to you? How do you notice when something really isn't right? What am I missing?

Moving out

I mentioned in my last post that many changes were coming in 2012.  One of those changes being My Friend and I going our separate ways after a little over 2 1/2 years.  I'm moving out.  I signed a lease on an apartment of my own.  I have the key in my hand.  I am 100% moved. I'm scared, excited, nervous and tired.  I'm so tired.

The break up has been fairly amicable.  My Friend has been understanding and helpful.  He says he wants me to be happy.  I'm glad things have gone fairly smoothly. It's still hard and many tears have been shed.  But I know in my heart that this is for the best.  It's best for me. It's probably best for him too.

There are so many emotions to deal with all at the same time.  All of the emotions that come with a break up.  And there are some major emotions and fears that come with being on my own.  The point of me moving 2 1/2 years ago was to be on my own and things happened and it didn't work out like I planned. I was prepared then. I had planned for it. I had mentally gotten myself ready. Now? I'm not sure.

What I am sure of, though, is that I need this. I am in my 30s and I have never really been alone. Living on my own, alone.  It's going to take some work on my part to not allow myself to hibernate, holed up in my place by myself all the time.  That is so bad for me and that is my worst fear.  Sitting home, alone having a pity party for my lonely self.  It can't happen.

I'm excited. Sort of. Not as excited as people expect me to be. They keep asking. I know they mean well, but I'm so tired of responding to that question. And what's the plan? When are you moving? Do you have this? Do you have that?  What are you going to do about a bed? You can't sleep on the couch.  Why, actually, yes I can. And I am. And I'm loving it.

So far, so good.  I've been keeping fairly busy and I'm not even close to being settled and organized. I was able to finally organize my kitchen, but the rest is a mess. And it's likely to stay that way for a while. I'm ok with that. It's mine and I can be as messy as I want to be and I love it!

Cheers to moving forward!  I'm celebrating my new-found freedom.  Won't you join me?

I Survived

This past week was the county fair in the Town Left Behind.  I usually work the fair booth for my employer and help my mom with some catering events on the fair grounds.  I always have anxiety about who I will run into.  

The first night I worked, My Friend sat with me at the fair booth. I was a bit anxious.  I don’t like people in that town knowing my business. I try to steer clear of all personal aspects of my life when I’m there.  

The night went by rather seamlessly.  It rained. A lot. So there were very few people in attendance. Having My Friend there made the time pass quickly and actually helped me forget my apprehension.

My second fair shift was scheduled for Saturday morning.  I like the morning shift. It was pretty slow, as anticipated, until around noon. 

My shift ended at 1 o’clock.  I was to call my mom then to see what she needed my help with and when and where I should be meeting her.  She asked me if Nellie (the Boy Left Behind’s daughter) would be helping us.  I was supposed to figure this out prior to now, but decided I didn’t feel like dealing with the Boy Left Behind after an antagonistic comment he made in the last text I had received from him a few weeks prior.  I told my mom this and she was fine with it.  I hung up the phone, turned the corner and headed toward the front gate to my car.  Lo and behold, I run into Nellie, the Boy Left Behind and his second child’s mother. (Seriously, I want to refer to her as “the baby momma,” but I know in my head that it’s not appropriate.  She’s young and unsuspecting and I feel in my heart that she will, one day, figure out that he has nothing to offer her.  But anyway…)

It’s been over two years now since the Boy Left Behind and I parted ways.  I’ve been dreading this moment for two years.  I have played out numerous scenarios in my head, the things I would say, the way I would feel.  None of that ever came to fruition.  My heart never even skipped a beat!

I walked right up (there was really no avoiding each other), gave Nellie a big hug and said that my mom and I were just talking about her. I asked if she wanted to help us back stage at the Josh Turner concert and she squealed.  Duh!  Silly me!  Of course, her dad had to play hard ball with the we’ll see act. Whatever.  

(Nellie backstage, yo.)

I had full intentions of introducing myself to his baby momma (Oops. Dang it!), but she wouldn’t even look my direction.  The Boy Left Behind pleaded with me with his eyes to let him be on his way so I made sure to chat it up with Nellie a little bit longer.  (It’s evil of me, I know.)  I gave Nellie one last big hug and went on my way.

I was surprised, as I was walking away and in the moments shortly after the encounter, that my mind did not run off racing with millions of thoughts.  I wasn’t obsessing about any of it.  It took a second for all that to sink in and, then, I gave myself a big ole pat on the back.  I survived.  It was a heck of a lot easier (for me) than I had ever imagined it would be.  

I’m healing (sort of).  I’m stronger than ever before (for sure).  I survived.

Sisters

I mentioned once, briefly, that my sister and I haven’t spoken in over two years.  At least, we haven’t shared more than niceties at holiday dinners and the like.  At my niece’s graduation, she hugged me goodbye and held me with a death grip as she began to sob.  She whispered in my ear that she missed her sister and that she wished we could get together to talk.  Not knowing what to say at that exact moment, I said I’d call her and we’d have coffee or something.  

Well, some time went by and I received a random email from her (just a pic of my brother-in-law and a bust he made).  I decided to reply to it and see if she wanted to set up a date to get together. We settled on a date and we met up last weekend at a coffee house.  I purposely picked a neutral place in a neutral town so we could be on impartial territory without interruption.  

When I arrived (it took me 10 minutes to park because neither of us realized that there was an apple festival going on that day), we ordered coffee and grabbed a table.  For the first three hours (THREE HOURS), we chatted about her three kids, our dad, family, our moms, etc.  When we realized it was nearing closing time, we decided it was time to face the elephant in the room.  

Facing the issue and talking about it was actually the shortest part of our 4+ hour conversation.  It was surprisingly easy to say what we needed to say, explain what needed explanation, apologize and move on.  I’m glad we did it. I’m glad that we have made amends.  

Now, we wait and see if sisters can actually be sisters.  Time will tell if we can be friends instead of her being the big sister (she’s 10 years older) who feels responsible for my well-being and wants to mother me and me being the rebellious kid who defies everything she says.  Keeping my fingers crossed.

Making amends is a great thing. It’s freeing to the soul.  If you have things that have gone unsaid with someone in your life, making the effort to forgive and mend the relationship is worth it.   Sometimes it does take time to get over things or come to a place of forgiveness, but it feels mighty good when you reach that point.

 (Unfortunately, I shouldn't show you her face, but this was the best picture together we've ever had and it was unintentional. This was a few years and about 15 lbs ago.)

Broken

This quote sums up the tears in my eyes and how I feel today:

You don't die from a broken heart - you only wish you did.

~Anonymous

6/6/11 Random Thoughts

I find myself often wishing for different skills or gifts that I admire in others.  Wishing I were better at planning ahead. Better at organizing.  More motivated.  Wishing that I enjoyed gardening instead of knowing that I might take the initiative to start one then knowing it would grow over with weeds.  Wishing I could pick out my outfits on Sunday for the whole week. Wishing I could actually be on time for work everyday.  Wishing I had better cooking skills. Wishing I were more witty and clever.  Wishing I were less socially awkward. Wishing I could strike up a conversation with anyone. Wishing I were more caring about others.

I often wish for family relationships that see in those around me.  A better relationship with my dad. A closer connection with my mom. A friendship with my sister.  Wishing my family actually enjoyed each others company instead of dreading seeing one another.  Wishing my family would take trips together instead of always saying it's too much of a hassle to even drive an hour to see one another or we're too busy to pick up the phone to call.  Wishing my family were capable of having fun together instead of suffering through a holiday meal.

I often wonder if I will regret my decision to not have children when it's too late. I wonder if this relationship is right for me, if it's the best one there is for me.  (I have dreams and imagine so much more.)  I wonder will I regret not doing everything in my power to travel or live abroad like I've always wanted to do.  I wonder how much I will regret not finding a different job and sticking with the one I have out of fear. I wonder if I will kick myself for allowing fear to take over my life. I wonder if I will ever get beyond feeling too afraid to feel.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to allow myself to feel vulnerable again. I wonder if I will ever have it in me to cry and feel the pain of loss when those times come.

I thought I had come so far, but all of these thoughts consume me daily and it tells me that I've fallen backward.

Entering the 21st Century (and a rant)

When we moved at the end of June last year into a very small cabin-like home, I decided to store my big, very old and bulky PC and forgo internet service.  It wasn't a big deal to me because I had access to the internet at work and I've "gone without" similar luxuries before (3 years without any kind of television service). After nine months without an internet connection at home, I finally caved.  And not only did I finally have internet service at home, but I also bought a new laptop (which I love!!!) with the help of my techie BFF.

I decided to make my way back into the realm of the 21st century, not because I was having withdrawals and couldn't live without it, but because it was frustrating that every time we wanted to look something up we couldn't.  Every time we wanted to check a bank balance or try to make vacation plans or look for ideas to redo the closet, we had to either bug someone else or do it after work.  It was inconvenient.

For me, it is still a tough adjustment.  I hate paying so much for internet service. I hate paying for a lot of things though. =)  Particularly, where we live (in the boonies), there are very few options for internet service providers. There is no real competition. You either take what you can get or you don't get. 

I also find myself wasting a lot of time checking Facebook and checking my email (and I get very few emails of substance from friends and family).  The internet can certainly be addicting, as is television (one of the reasons I didn't have it before and would prefer not to have it now).  So, I'm going to try to make a pact with myself to be productive when online and limit my internet play time. 

Now, I'm considering a new phone. My phone is very outdated and is a flip-phone.

**Pausing for laughter**

My tech savvy BFF is pointing me in the direction of an Andriod phone.  It's so very frustrating though.  Not only are they expensive to buy, but you get locked into this 2-year contract with your service provider (in this case, Verizon and formerly Alltel which I liked a great deal better) and you have to pay an arm and a leg for an additional data plan.  Let's not forget that I'm already paying a small fortune for a phone plan for minutes that I hardly use because of my Friends & Family numbers (people you can call without using your minutes), but without that specific plan, I don't have the Friends and Family numbers.  Not to mention that, because I live in the boonies and rely on my cell phone at home, I have limited service in my area so I have to stick with this service provider because others have very spotty service here.  I would think, by now, these cell phone companies could get their act together and actually provide service everywhere (or maybe they can and just don't).  What a crock!  It seems no matter what it is today (internet, cell phones, satellite/cable, gasoline), you have very few actual choices as the consumer.  The service providers get you coming and going.  It just pisses me off and that is why I have avoided for so long taking the plunge.

Eventually, I will have to decide what to do because my phone is truly on it's last leg. I just hate the added cost of all of it.  I am slowly re-entering the 21st Century though.  One step at a time.

Nellie

Even though I complain about many aspects of my job, one of the perks, thanks to our union contract, is the excessive amount of time we get off around Christmas and New Years.  Technically, its two days for Christmas (plus Christmas Eve and Christmas Day) and three days for New Year’s (plus New Year’s Eve and New Year’s day).  So it ends up being a good week and a half of paid time off away from work.

I had great plans for my time off this year.  Lots of cleaning and meeting up with people I hardly ever get to see.  All plans were squashed, though, when I came down with a sore throat turned serious sinus crap the day after Christmas.  I laid on the couch for a whole week canceling plans and additional Christmas gatherings.  It sucked.  I was most disappointed, though, about having to cancel on my best girl in the whole world Nellie.

Nellie is The Boy Left Behind’s fifteen year old daughter.  Nellie has been part of my life (and I hers) since she was a year and a half old.  I love that girl as if she were my own child.  I’ve spent a good deal of the last 14 years helping to raise her. I feel like I have gone through much of what most parents’ experience.  I’ve changed diapers, made bottles, gave baths, dressed, chased, disciplined, got up in the middle of the night, kissed boo-boos, hugged out hurt feelings and broken hearts, stayed up all night and held her hair back while she threw up, stayed home with her when she was sick, took her to school when she missed the bus, took her to the emergency room, doctor visits, gone to soccer, basketball and volleyball games, dance recitals, had heart to hearts and sex and period talks, played, laughed and cried.  All the things that parents do.  So, when The Boy Left Behind and I broke up, my heart ached for what it may mean for my relationship with Nellie. 

It’s taken some time, but I had no doubt that I would be able to see Nellie. If nothing else, I give some credit to The Boy Left Behind because he knows that I love her and am good to her and he would never keep me from her.  Nellie and I have text a lot and, in the Fall, I was able to go to a volleyball game.  Over my holiday break, we were planning for her to come and stay the night, but I got sick and all of our plans were squashed.  However, this past weekend, I was able to make arrangements with The Boy Left Behind and I picked her up on Saturday.  We had a GREAT time together.  We were able to talk, be silly, laugh and we spent a lot of time crying.  I miss that so much.  Nellie even got her first pedicure ever.  It was hilarious because she’s extremely ticklish and the pedicurist was quite the comedian.

Nellie is having a rough go of things right now.  She and her mom argue and fight a lot.  My understanding is that that is somewhat normal for a girl her age and it happens in a lot of households, but I have nothing to base this on because my mom was an absent alcoholic at this time in my life so I was pretty much on my own.  Nellie also struggles with everything surrounding her dad and his girlfriend having a baby and some issues that go way, way back.  I feel so helpless.  I just want to be able to take her away and make it all better, but I can’t.  The best I can do is be there for her, try to help her through it, and offer the best guidance I can while still allowing her to make decisions for herself.  The amazing thing about all of this is that she shows such emotional maturity about so many things. She’s definitely more emotionally intelligent than I was at even 25 in some respects.  It’s just so sad to watch and know that there is absolutely nothing I can do.  But I also know that my struggles in life made me who I am and, possibly, a better person.  I just pray that she becomes a better person for all of her struggles and doesn’t, at some point, get lost trying find sanity, safety, security and love in all the wrong places.

Since Nellie's birthday is in December, I got her a little something too.  I'm glad I did because she later told me how she cried when her dad and I broke up because she was afraid she'd never see me again.  The engraving on this necklace is often called The Adoption Poem, but I felt it suited our relationship perfectly.

 

I just can't help myself. I love that kid!

Way. Too. Busy.

The past several months have been extremely busy. I don't mean to complain about being busy. That is not my intention. I make it a point not to complain because I moved last year, in part, to have a life.  Or more of a life, anyway.  But it just isn't my personal life that is busy.  Work has been so crazy busy for several months now that I barely have a chance to catch my breath or to look ahead at what is to come because I'm still looking back at the whirlwind of the last several months. 

Everything remains overloaded. My work email has 129 unread emails, my personal email teeters on 200 unread emails and my Google Reader is lingering around 920 unread items.  I try to keep up, but end up sending brief, cold responses out to co-workers and friends instead of carefully communicated or caring messages.  I have missed important dates like the birthday's of my best friend's kids and baby showers.  I'm tired and cranky.  And I haven't had a chance to enjoy the summer at all.  Although, summer is always a busy time with the overtime that I try to put in.  This summer feels as though it's come and it's going fast and I haven't had time to sit outside and take in the fresh air, listen to the birds sing, marvel over the beautiful green trees and grass, or go for a boat ride on the lake.  I miss my family, I miss my friends and I miss just being able to sit and enjoy the quiet.

Things with My Friend and his personal issues keep us very busy too.  If it's not one thing, it's another with his situation. And you never know when it's going to strike.  Just when you think things have calmed down, you realize that that was just the calm before the storm.   

I'm hoping that as the overtime comes to an end, things will slow down.  Then again, I've been thinking that things will slow down for months now and they just keep picking up.

Home Invasion

First thing I usually do when I get home from work every day is change into something comfortable. So Thursday evening was no different. When I got home, I headed straight for my bedroom to change my clothes. As I was taking off my necklace, I noticed that my little decorative bowl that I keep change in looked like it was missing a lot of change. Instantly, I accused My Friend because he is always teasing me for saving pennies (along with everything else) as his change jar only contains silver coins. He keeps telling me that he is going to take my nickels, dimes and quarters and leave me just the pennies. Although, I thought it was odd that, if he was going to take my silver coins, why would he leave some and only take a few. But who else was there to accuse?


For a little while, we bantered back and forth about the whole thing. I kept saying that I felt like I was imagining things because who would come in and take anything. We were pretty sure that the folks who work on the property wouldn’t risk it because they would be cutting a great tie by losing their job there and they are all good, honest people. My Friend kept asking if I wanted him to go say something to the landlord, who just happens to be his dad. I hemmed and hawed about it some because I really didn’t want someone to unnecessarily be accused of something. Ultimately, we decided to let the landlord know which turned out to be a good move.

Apparently, one of the guys who works on the property had spotted a young man earlier in the afternoon walking down the driveway at which point the young fellow was told that he was on private property and was instructed to leave immediately. The young man had indicated that he was leaving but that he had just run away from home.

At this point, it was decided that the landlord would call the police just in case the guy decides to return at some point. Meanwhile, My Friend and I are in our apartment hashing out more oddities that were previously dismissed. For instance, when My Friend got home from work, he found a cup with Kool-Aid in it and Kool-Aid splatters all over the kitchen counter and floor. He assumed that it was messy me (granted, I’m messy, but not that messy) and cleaned up the spills and went about his business.

As we stood there in the kitchen discussing this, My Friend opens the refrigerator to find an empty pitcher with just a splash of Kool-Aid in the bottom. He’s like, “I thought you did this too.” Nope. Apparently, the kid who entered our home did that too. Not only did he take half of my change from my bowl (which had coins from my trip to England), but he drank the Kool-Aid out of a cup that I had used the day before, put the empty pitcher back in the refrigerator, spilled it all over, rummaged through the freezer taking a full bag of Taquitos and placing frozen hotdogs from the freezer in the refrigerator (which we joked about saying he planned on coming back later), rummaged through our pantry cupboard and took food from there and stuck his hands in bags of things and ate from them too.

Ugh! It was so nerve wracking. Of course, there has been great discussion about locking the doors now. At first, when we moved in, I was bothered by the fact that we couldn’t lock the doors (the landlord doesn’t have a key and has never locked the doors), but I let it go. Until now. The landlord insists that we still don’t need to lock the doors as the police office indicated that the kid who invaded our home (and another single ladies' home that same day) was a foster kid from down the road who was about 18 with a 3rd grade mentality and is “harmless”. This kid is said to not be able to have sodium because too much causes him to have heart attack-like symptoms. Since he is not allowed to have certain foods, he goes into other people’s homes and eats whatever he wants.

Regardless of this kid’s harmlessness, he still invaded my home and went through my things. All of which is nerve-wracking for any person. You feel so out of control and debilitated because there is nothing you can do. What is done is done and what is gone is gone. For someone who is co-dependent and depends on controlling certain aspects of their own life (even though there has been lots of therapy to learn to let go of some things, there are still things that drive me crazy when out of my control), this has been a very traumatic event no matter how minimal the damage.

Small, small world

Monday night, I arrived home from work and noticed a familiar looking baby blue Ford pickup in my driveway with what appeared to be either a power trowel or rototiller in the bed.  I pulled up, parked my car and veered out my window thinking to myself, No way! There's just no way.  I quickly made my way inside trying to remain incognito.

Once inside, My Friend asked me what the matter was. I promptly asked him who that truck belongs to. He said he didn’t know the man’s name, only that he was very drunk and the man was with someone (Jim) who works on the property that we live on. Jim has permission to use the boat on the lake that is essentially in our front yard and, so, Jim and this man were out fishing. I immediately started with the questions: Does the man have a scraggly beard? Is he really skinny? Is he wearing a baseball cap? A t-shirt with a front pocket? Yep, yep, yep and yep. And has teeth are a bit funky. That’s it.  The baby blue with a trowel in the back was a dead giveaway. I knew it, though I didn’t want to know it. Right there before my eyes, fishing in my front yard was the Boy Left Behind’s uncle.


So, I hid. For like two hours. Not because I don’t like Uncle G, but because once Uncle G knows where I live, then so does half of the county left behind as well as the Boy Left Behind. And, just because, I don’t want anyone to know that.

Another quizzle

I don't put much stock in the millions upon millions of little quizzes that saturate the internet. Occasionally, though, it’s fun to indulge in a little something besides the everyday grind.


It amazes me how accurate these things seem to be sometimes. So try it out for yourself. Have a little hump day fun!

(Click on image to enlarge)

My birthday and The Snot Factory

My birthday was last week. Wednesday, February 3rd, I turned 31.

I don’t expect much from my birthday’s anymore. To go through the day and have someone acknowledge it is more than I could ask for. I received a number of emails and phone calls wishing me happy birthday and I love that. My Friend pulled together a nice birthday basket for me full of treats that I love.

My office peeps decorated my desk which is always hilarious.

Otherwise, my birthday was pretty tame because, well, I was sick. Very sick.

The Snot Factory decided to open shop on me. I visited one of my best girlfriends on Saturday. She thinks her son might have been the carrier of the little bug. Sunday, I felt very sluggish and really tired. Just not quite myself, but really thought I was just tired. I didn’t have a clue as to what was in store. By Monday, I felt like a big pile of dog doody. I left work early and stayed home Tuesday. Wednesday, I forced myself out of bed, still feeling like crap, and headed out to work. I felt a bit of obligation to go as I knew my officemates would have a delightful treat for my birthday celebration and they did. Finally, Thursday evening, I felt a bit of a break in the crud. By Saturday night, though, I was feeling pretty yucky again. Here it is, another week later, and I am still blowing my nose and I sound congested even though I feel much better in comparison to the last two weeks.

I hope this is the end of the Snot Factory. I know a number of folks have had the crud turn into bronchitis and I don’t need that. For the next 5-6 weeks, I am steering clear of everyone and becoming an extreme germaphobe. I wouldn’t want to ruin my next Great Vacation!

Higgledy-Piggledy, Take III

It sure seems like work is crazier than ever. And it also seems like I keep saying that over and over. But it is! And when I am done with work, I am just…done. I have exactly 100 unread emails in my personal inbox. I have 295 unread items in my Google Reader. And, now that I think of it, I may have even forgot to pay my bills. Oh $#@%! I guess I should go check that!

*****

Speaking of work, some crazy changes are about to take place within the next month. It’s going to be rough. I am trying to go forward with a good attitude and trust in my colleagues and my boss. I am praying that everything will work out just fine. Only time will tell. I really wish I could share more. Believe me, I do. The more I talk about something that is bothering me, usually, the better I feel. But I do not feel this is the appropriate place to discuss such matters. I will say, however, that my work schedule will change a smidge. This Night Owl will have to become much more of an early bird than ever before. Ever! (Well, except when I work in road construction, but that was a fairly mindless job.) That is a daunting concept for me, but I have to do it.

*****

In other news, people have been coming out of the woodwork on Facebook. I mean, holy bajeebers. In the last two weeks, I have had several people from high school befriend me. It’s weird. Most of them I haven’t spoken to since graduation (um, nearly thirteen years ago…omg!). A couple people I have seen, maybe, once or twice. To say the least, high school was my least favorite time in life. Hence the reason I have never sought anyone out. But, people grow up and change so it might be fun to reconnect.

*****

This past Friday, I had the pleasure of meeting up with a group of ladies from work for dinner and drinks. This, for me, was a giant step forward. Part of the town-left-behind excursion was to be able to make new friends and actually be able to hang out with them by being closer in proximity. We shared a few good laughs and great conversation. It was nice to finally be able to interact with a group of individuals who are intelligent, sophisticated, and share a number of the same interests. Now, don’t misunderstand. I have a number of individual friends (many who live far, far away though) who have all these same qualities. I have always been ok with one on one communication and relationships. When you add more to the mix, I get uncomfortable. Part of codependency includes difficulty in making friends and some severe distrust issues. Even with friends one on one, I still have some serious issues. So, I think, this was a big step forward for me.

*****

My nasty rash is also back. Or, never really went away. I was finally able to schedule another doctor’s appointment for tomorrow. It has taken me all week to schedule an appointment. Most of the time I forget to do it, then, when I remember, the office phone hours are over. Alas, I was finally able to make an appointment. Hopefully, my doctor will be able to determine what is really going on so it will go away for good!

*****

I have been pondering something very serious lately. Hehe. Very serious. Ahem, ok, it really isn’t a laughing matter. My Friend and I were having a discussion about forever. As in, being together forever type thing. A while back, a number of folks on Facebook answered a quiz to see how well they know me. One question asked, “What am I scared of?” One of the false answers was commitment. To my surprise, a number of people actually picked this for their answer and that bothered me a great deal. I never viewed myself as being afraid of commitment. I’ve always wanted a fully committed relationship. However, as My Friend and I discussed this forever thing, it came back to me. My counselor was always saying that I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And after my last decade of failed relationships, I am not sure I ever care to be married again. So, in essence, that makes me afraid of commitment, doesn’t it?

This brings me to another thought. I have always wondered how people know that they have met The One. You know, the one person that they know they are going to spend the rest of their entire life with. I have had many people say that you just know. Being the skeptic that I am, I fear I will never just know. So I wonder, for those of you out that that have met The One, how did you know? Because I am still waiting for the inevitable (in my mind) shoe to drop.

One week down

I mentioned previously that I had two weeks off for the holiday season.  One full week plus down and less than a full week to go.  The past week has been hell. H. E. L. L.  And not only because of the aforementioned Christmas marathon, but because my brain went into overdrive and started coming up with stupid thoughts about the relationship I left behind nearly seven and a half months ago. 

I was perusing the interwebs out of boredom and happened upon a girl's facebook page that I know.  This particular girl dates a friend of the ex-boyfriend.  Instead of avoiding the page like the plague (I have done my best not to put myself in situations that would tempt me to seek out information about the ex), I clicked on over and was checking out her pictures.  Instead of finding pics of her and her boyfriend that I assumed would be there, I found a pic of the ex with his new girlfriend who just happens to be the girl's younger sister.  UGH!

I was so not prepared for this discovery.  An onslaught of emotions overtook me.  I was jealous. I was angry. I was hurt. I was desperate.  I tried reaching out to a friend for comfort, but friends have their own lives and thus was unavailable to be sucked into mine.  So here I was, home alone, left to deal with this on my own.  That has never been a good thing because, like I said, I became desperate.  I cried.  I cried all day.  I sobbed.  I sobbed some more. I cried myself to sleep.

This was the eve of Christmas Eve and so it was imperative that I be presentable the next day for the beginning of the Christmas marathon.  I tried to hold back my tears but, even at the suggestion that something might be wrong, I broke down for no apparent reason.  On Christmas Eve, I awoke with puffy eyes.  I used make-up to try to mask it and I did my best to shove my emotions aside and get through, but I still cried a couple of times.

I pushed on through the next few days even though with every moment of silence came thoughts of him.  I began to believe that I was missing him.   I would draft letters in my head of apologies. I wondered what would happen if I text him.  I thought about calling.  I came across a note he left right before I moved and we broke up.  It says, "If you get lonely or bored at your new place, just remember that I am thinking of you so you are not really alone. I love you always."  And another that said, "I miss you already".  I started wondering if he really was missing me.

This is the point where, in the past, I would act out of desperation and do some of those things. I would text him, I would call him, I would accidentally on purpose cross paths with him.  But this time, my head is control and I know I can't.

One of my best girlfriends had called me the day that I began having this breakdown and reminded me that it's ok to feel this way.  I want him to be happy in life, but I don't. I want him to find someone to make him happy, but I don't. I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to have him.  She reminded me that it's ok to feel this way and it will eventually fade in time.  Lots and lots of time.  She also reminded me that, in the twelve years that we dated (on and off again constantly), he had never changed.  He wasn't going to change. We don't even really believe that he's capable of changing.  His lifestyle and my lifestyle did not mesh. At all.  He is super social, he likes to sit around with the guys daily and drink beer and tell the same stories fifty times over, he is ok with and wants someone to live at home with his parents with him, he is carefree and lives spontaneously.  I CANNOT do any of that.  I am not social. I hate sitting around and making small talk and telling stories.  I am very independent and I like to make plans and keep them and be able to depend on my partner for that too.  And it isn't fair for either of us to ask the other to change the way they are for the other person.


I have to keep telling myself that I did this for him too.  I know he couldn't have been happy either.  He was comfortable and content having me in his life, but he couldn't have been truly happy. We hardly spent any time together (which could have been fine with him as he liked to be with the boys).  I hate his hobbies, he hated mine.  I told him that he needed to find someone who actually enjoyed doing the things that he liked to do because I didn't.  And even when I tried to show interest in the things he enjoyed, he still wouldn't include me.  I tried every which way I could think of.


Suffice it to say, for the first time ever, my brain is winning over my emotions.  And I'm sure all of my family and friends who have encouraged me to make the break and repeatedly told me, as patiently and kindly as they could, that this relationship wasn't the right thing for me and I deserved so much more in life, will be happy to hear that.  Though I am still troubled with thoughts and holding back tears now and then, I know that I need to stay on the path that I am on.


I wonder how it is that I can be so distraught over this right now and yet my life is so calm and peaceful right now.  That is something I have been striving for.  Maybe it is old tendencies taking over.  As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) or a co-dependent, I have a tendency to recreate the chaos of the life I knew growing up.  Is it possible that I am inadvertently creating this emotional turmoil in my life because my life is so calm?


All I can figure right now, is that I want to push through the rest of this week so I don't have time to just sit around and think.  Getting back to work will give me something to focus on.  I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of being sad and worrying about other people and if what I have done to them is somehow detrimental to their emotional well-being.  I am ready to keep moving forward.

Higgledy-Piggledy, Take II

Ah, 'tis the week of Christmas and what a crazy week it is. Currently, I'm sitting at home in my pj's...still (it's nearly 11 am), thinking of all that needs to be done during my two week hiatus from work. Two weeks off sounds like a great thing (and I did it to myself by tacking on three days to make it a full two weeks), but it is a time where bad habits will build up making going back to work the biggest drag ever! Two weeks is also overwhelming to me. I, for the life of me, cannot figure out why I get so overwhelmed by the simplest things, but I do. So much to do and so much time, yet very little will likely get done.

The biggest project is my computer room. It's piled with boxes. Boxes of heaven knows what. Computer stuff, reading books, old school books that I should have returned but thought I'd use some day (um...yeah), CDs, important paperwork, clothes, blankets, stored Christmas decor, pictures, baby stuff (my baby book and the like), trophies and medals, etc. What to do with all this stuff, I have no idea. Do I throw it out? I don't know. I do know that I need to figure out what to keep, how to store it and make space because this also needs to be my work out room. Oh yeah! My mom gave me an early Christmas present - a treadmill. I'm so excited! I've asked for one for about three years now. It's used, but it works great.

****************************************************

Christmas is going to be crazy this year. Six Christmas gatherings in four days. Imagine. All the driving and socializing. I'm going to need two days to recuperate. Being an introvert makes all these gatherings, even with my own family, stressful. When I was a kid, I used to get so worked up about it that I would spend the day laying on my grandma's bed with a tummy ache from all the anxiety. It's not that bad anymore, but it still makes me anxious.

Christmas has also been very expensive this year. In an attempt to get organized, I contacted my dad's side of the family about two weeks before Thanksgiving to see how we were going to handle Christmas this year. This side of the family seems to have a tough time getting together, always putting it off and sometimes we don't have our gathering until January or later. This year, however, my niece will only be home for a short time so, in order to have us all there, I thought we should try to organize early. Well, I got some hemming and hawing from a few folks and never received a real answer. So, I dropped it. I figured if these adults can't decide or give me an answer, I am not going to worry myself over it. Then, of course, a week and a half before Christmas, it becomes an issue. Now, suddenly, we are scrambling for a date and four people are tacked onto my Christmas shopping list. Now, I'm up to fifteen people. I am one person buying for fifteen people and I don't even have a husband or children. Ugh...how does this happen?

****************************************************

I have felt so disorganized this year. Usually, I make a list of folks I have to buy for along with ideas for each and then decide where I can get these items, plan my route and go. I mean, I HATE shopping. I hate the rude people, screaming children who don't want to be there either, standing elbow to elbow in an aisle not big enough for one cart let alone eight, I get hot which makes me more cranky, waiting in long lines and noticing that not all the lanes are even open which makes me wonder who the heck is in charge. I just hate all of it even when it's not Christmas. So I try to do as few trips as possible and grab and go quickly. Not this year. I haven't been able to decide on what to get people. I've taken My Friend with me a few times and, well, I prefer to shop alone mostly. It's just been crazy. I think, yesterday, I finally got everything, but I'm afraid to go check for sure because I don't want to have to go shopping again. Ugh.

****************************************************

On a totally different topic...
When I moved to the new town, I was leaving things behind. An old boyfriend in particular. I didn't dwell on in much. It had been coming for some time. It wasn't the first time we had broken up, but I am determined that it will be the last. As much as I love and care about him, I also know that we weren't meant to be. He was not capable of having the kind of relationship that I wanted or needed and I was not capable of having the relationship he wanted or needed. My mind still knows this and I pray that he can find someone who can have that relationship. There isn't a chance in hell that I ever want to go back to that. Still, sometimes I miss the special little things.

I miss the way he looked at me with so much feeling in his eyes and told me so softly that I was so pretty. I miss how, regardless of what we were fighting over, he would come to me, he would come first to make up, make me laugh, make it all better. I miss the way he'd hug me. Meaningfully and for a long time if I needed it. I miss watching Animal Planet or Discovery Channel and having him explain to me all about wild life and living in the wild, far beyond the explanations of either of those shows. He is so smart in that way. If the world were to go to hell today, he'd be the person you'd want to hide with. He could out-survive the toughest in places far beyond the imagination.

What I don't know is why seven months later these things have come to mind.