What: Common Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA)
Source: PsychPage
Highlights: Items that describe me
**My own assertions relating to the topic.**
Introduction
Adult children of alcoholics appear to have characteristics in common as a result of being raised in an alcoholic home. Review the characteristics listed. If you identify with these characteristics then seek appropriate sources of support to understand and resolve them. You will find many self-help books on this subject. Additionally, there is Adult Children of Alcoholics 12-Step self-help community meeting, individual therapy, and group therapy facilitated by a therapist.
Common Characteristics
• Isolation, fear of people, and fear of authority figures.
• Difficulty with identity issues related to seeking constantly the approval of others.
• Frightened by angry people and personal criticism.
• Have become an alcoholic yourself, married one, or both. **(Dated one or two or three.)** A variation would be the attraction to another compulsive personality such as a workaholic. The similarity is that neither is emotionally available to deal with overwhelming and unhealthy dependency needs.
• Perpetually being the victim and seeing the world from the perspective of a victim. **I may do this, though I am unaware of it. I have tried to conscious of this in an attempt to not do it.**
• An overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Concerned about the needs of others to the degree of neglecting your own wants and needs. This is a protective behavior for avoiding a good look at yourself and taking responsibility to identify and resolve your own personal difficulties. **Though I have attempted to be cognizant of this behavior in an attempt to correct it, sometimes it just comes so naturally.**
• Feelings of guilt associated with standing up for your rights. It is easier to give into the demands of others.
• An addiction to excitement. Feeling a need to be on the edge, and risk-taking behaviors. **Awareness of this behavior was a huge discovery for me. I believe I have since corrected it. My counselor said that once I experienced calm, I will never want to go back to crazy. I think she's right. I avoid crazy like the plague.**
• A tendency to confuse feelings of love and pity. Attracted to people that you can rescue and take care of. **Many, many relationships in my life have been based on how I can take care of someone else and rescue them from themselves. I hope that this is an area that has improved a little bit in my life. Sometimes, though, I need someone on the outside looking in for affirmation.**
• Avoidance of feelings related to traumatic childhood experiences. Unable to feel or express feelings because it is frightening and/or painful and overwhelming. Denial of feelings. **At this point, I barely remember my childhood (which I understand is common for ACOA as well). The parts I do remember, I cannot associate any sort of feeling with. On occasion, when something happens that is similar or resembles a traumatic event from my childhood, I experience overwhelming feelings that relate to that childhood event. I often cannot identify what the feeling is though.**
• Low self-esteem. A tendency to judge yourself harshly and be perfectionistic and self-critical. **This I do not tend to see myself. Even when I feel that I have been feeling my best (or the best I can remember feeling), my counselor would often say that certain behaviors are related to low self-esteem.**
• Strong dependency needs and terrified of abandonment. Will do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the fear and pain of abandonment. **Yep! As much as I'd like to say that I have overcome this, I have not.**
• Alcoholism is a family disease which often results in a family member taking on the characteristics of the disease even if they are not alcoholics (para-alcoholics). Dysfunctional relationships, denial, fearful, avoidance of feelings, poor coping, poor problem solving, afraid that others will find out what you are really like, etc.
• Tendency to react to things that happen versus taking control and not being victim to the behavior of others or situations created by others. **I am a huge reactor. I think I have worked on this some.**
• A chameleon. A tendency to be what others want you to be instead of being yourself. A lack of honesty with yourself and others. **I try, but conforming has been so a huge part of my life. I have made some progress in this area, but occasionally catch myself accommodate, adjusting or harmonizing.**
Looking at this list is a bit scary. I would like to think I have made more progress, but I fear that I have not made as much progress as I had hoped.
• Difficulty with identity issues related to seeking constantly the approval of others.
• Frightened by angry people and personal criticism.
• Have become an alcoholic yourself, married one, or both. **(Dated one or two or three.)** A variation would be the attraction to another compulsive personality such as a workaholic. The similarity is that neither is emotionally available to deal with overwhelming and unhealthy dependency needs.
• Perpetually being the victim and seeing the world from the perspective of a victim. **I may do this, though I am unaware of it. I have tried to conscious of this in an attempt to not do it.**
• An overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Concerned about the needs of others to the degree of neglecting your own wants and needs. This is a protective behavior for avoiding a good look at yourself and taking responsibility to identify and resolve your own personal difficulties. **Though I have attempted to be cognizant of this behavior in an attempt to correct it, sometimes it just comes so naturally.**
• Feelings of guilt associated with standing up for your rights. It is easier to give into the demands of others.
• An addiction to excitement. Feeling a need to be on the edge, and risk-taking behaviors. **Awareness of this behavior was a huge discovery for me. I believe I have since corrected it. My counselor said that once I experienced calm, I will never want to go back to crazy. I think she's right. I avoid crazy like the plague.**
• A tendency to confuse feelings of love and pity. Attracted to people that you can rescue and take care of. **Many, many relationships in my life have been based on how I can take care of someone else and rescue them from themselves. I hope that this is an area that has improved a little bit in my life. Sometimes, though, I need someone on the outside looking in for affirmation.**
• Avoidance of feelings related to traumatic childhood experiences. Unable to feel or express feelings because it is frightening and/or painful and overwhelming. Denial of feelings. **At this point, I barely remember my childhood (which I understand is common for ACOA as well). The parts I do remember, I cannot associate any sort of feeling with. On occasion, when something happens that is similar or resembles a traumatic event from my childhood, I experience overwhelming feelings that relate to that childhood event. I often cannot identify what the feeling is though.**
• Low self-esteem. A tendency to judge yourself harshly and be perfectionistic and self-critical. **This I do not tend to see myself. Even when I feel that I have been feeling my best (or the best I can remember feeling), my counselor would often say that certain behaviors are related to low self-esteem.**
• Strong dependency needs and terrified of abandonment. Will do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the fear and pain of abandonment. **Yep! As much as I'd like to say that I have overcome this, I have not.**
• Alcoholism is a family disease which often results in a family member taking on the characteristics of the disease even if they are not alcoholics (para-alcoholics). Dysfunctional relationships, denial, fearful, avoidance of feelings, poor coping, poor problem solving, afraid that others will find out what you are really like, etc.
• Tendency to react to things that happen versus taking control and not being victim to the behavior of others or situations created by others. **I am a huge reactor. I think I have worked on this some.**
• A chameleon. A tendency to be what others want you to be instead of being yourself. A lack of honesty with yourself and others. **I try, but conforming has been so a huge part of my life. I have made some progress in this area, but occasionally catch myself accommodate, adjusting or harmonizing.**
Hi Jessica,
ReplyDeleteI too am a ACOA and can relate to your post on an intimate level. After reading your post I wanted to identify the statements I see in myself as well. Thank you for your post! ( )= my comments
• Isolation, fear of people, and fear of authority figures. (I definitely struggle with isolation and fear of people. Over the years I have come to label it "social anxiety" without awareness of its relation to my childhood.)
• Difficulty with identity issues related to seeking constantly the approval of others. (Like above, I tend to call myself a perfectionist and constantly struggle between pleasing others and making myself happy.)
• Frightened by angry people and personal criticism. (I have always avoided conflict, but am continually working on this as well as standing up for myself when necessary.)
• Have become an alcoholic yourself, married one, or both. (Like Jennifer, I have dated some) A variation would be the attraction to another compulsive personality such as a workaholic. The similarity is that neither is emotionally available to deal with overwhelming and unhealthy dependency needs. (I became aware of my dependency only recently, but continue to work on this behavior.)
• An overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Concerned about the needs of others to the degree of neglecting your own wants and needs. This is a protective behavior for avoiding a good look at yourself and taking responsibility to identify and resolve your own personal difficulties. (This is one of my biggest issues and I am constantly working to notice such feelings and behaviors.)
• Feelings of guilt associated with standing up for your rights. It is easier to give into the demands of others. (I struggle with guilt and then I tend to over analyze the source and solution. Still working on how to change this behavior.)
• An addiction to excitement. Feeling a need to be on the edge, and risk-taking behaviors. (Not so much risk taking behaviors, but a constant feeling of needing to be doing something. I find it very difficult to relax or take breaks.)
• A tendency to confuse feelings of love and pity. Attracted to people that you can rescue and take care of. (Definitely, my life has been defined by such relationships. A work in progress.)
• Avoidance of feelings related to traumatic childhood experiences. Unable to feel or express feelings because it is frightening and/or painful and overwhelming. Denial of feelings. (I too have a hard time remembering many parts of my childhood.)
• Low self-esteem. A tendency to judge yourself harshly and be perfectionistic and self-critical. (I work on this as often as possible, but find great difficulty much of the time.)
• Strong dependency needs and terrified of abandonment. Will do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the fear and pain of abandonment. (I am still defining myself in relation to dependency and abandonment.)
• Alcoholism is a family disease which often results in a family member taking on the characteristics of the disease even if they are not alcoholics (para-alcoholics). Dysfunctional relationships, denial, fearful, avoidance of feelings, poor coping, poor problem solving, afraid that others will find out what you are really like, etc. (Yep, I am not an alcoholic, but I have to be cognizant of my actions with alcohol 100% of the time or I display addictive behaviors.)
• Tendency to react to things that happen versus taking control and not being victim to the behavior of others or situations created by others. (I honestly believe I have managed this tendency and stomped out this behavior in the last year.)
• A chameleon. A tendency to be what others want you to be instead of being yourself. A lack of honesty with yourself and others. (This is another area I have worked on and believe I have good control over this. My two selves are slowly and happily becoming one.)
Thank you again for your post Jennifer. Very enlightening. Happy holidays.
Hi Rikki! Thank you for stopping by and your comment. It is uncanny how ACOAs share such characteristics. I relate so much with your comments. I stopped by your blog as well. I look forward to reading it.
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