Nellie

Even though I complain about many aspects of my job, one of the perks, thanks to our union contract, is the excessive amount of time we get off around Christmas and New Years.  Technically, its two days for Christmas (plus Christmas Eve and Christmas Day) and three days for New Year’s (plus New Year’s Eve and New Year’s day).  So it ends up being a good week and a half of paid time off away from work.

I had great plans for my time off this year.  Lots of cleaning and meeting up with people I hardly ever get to see.  All plans were squashed, though, when I came down with a sore throat turned serious sinus crap the day after Christmas.  I laid on the couch for a whole week canceling plans and additional Christmas gatherings.  It sucked.  I was most disappointed, though, about having to cancel on my best girl in the whole world Nellie.

Nellie is The Boy Left Behind’s fifteen year old daughter.  Nellie has been part of my life (and I hers) since she was a year and a half old.  I love that girl as if she were my own child.  I’ve spent a good deal of the last 14 years helping to raise her. I feel like I have gone through much of what most parents’ experience.  I’ve changed diapers, made bottles, gave baths, dressed, chased, disciplined, got up in the middle of the night, kissed boo-boos, hugged out hurt feelings and broken hearts, stayed up all night and held her hair back while she threw up, stayed home with her when she was sick, took her to school when she missed the bus, took her to the emergency room, doctor visits, gone to soccer, basketball and volleyball games, dance recitals, had heart to hearts and sex and period talks, played, laughed and cried.  All the things that parents do.  So, when The Boy Left Behind and I broke up, my heart ached for what it may mean for my relationship with Nellie. 

It’s taken some time, but I had no doubt that I would be able to see Nellie. If nothing else, I give some credit to The Boy Left Behind because he knows that I love her and am good to her and he would never keep me from her.  Nellie and I have text a lot and, in the Fall, I was able to go to a volleyball game.  Over my holiday break, we were planning for her to come and stay the night, but I got sick and all of our plans were squashed.  However, this past weekend, I was able to make arrangements with The Boy Left Behind and I picked her up on Saturday.  We had a GREAT time together.  We were able to talk, be silly, laugh and we spent a lot of time crying.  I miss that so much.  Nellie even got her first pedicure ever.  It was hilarious because she’s extremely ticklish and the pedicurist was quite the comedian.

Nellie is having a rough go of things right now.  She and her mom argue and fight a lot.  My understanding is that that is somewhat normal for a girl her age and it happens in a lot of households, but I have nothing to base this on because my mom was an absent alcoholic at this time in my life so I was pretty much on my own.  Nellie also struggles with everything surrounding her dad and his girlfriend having a baby and some issues that go way, way back.  I feel so helpless.  I just want to be able to take her away and make it all better, but I can’t.  The best I can do is be there for her, try to help her through it, and offer the best guidance I can while still allowing her to make decisions for herself.  The amazing thing about all of this is that she shows such emotional maturity about so many things. She’s definitely more emotionally intelligent than I was at even 25 in some respects.  It’s just so sad to watch and know that there is absolutely nothing I can do.  But I also know that my struggles in life made me who I am and, possibly, a better person.  I just pray that she becomes a better person for all of her struggles and doesn’t, at some point, get lost trying find sanity, safety, security and love in all the wrong places.

Since Nellie's birthday is in December, I got her a little something too.  I'm glad I did because she later told me how she cried when her dad and I broke up because she was afraid she'd never see me again.  The engraving on this necklace is often called The Adoption Poem, but I felt it suited our relationship perfectly.

 

I just can't help myself. I love that kid!

And the craziness continues

Yeah, that's right. At some point in my life, I wished for something other than boredom.  Guess what folks. Be careful what you wish for...

Since moving a year and a half ago, life has picked up and it hasn't slowed down. Work is busier than ever (and crazy too).  As a general rule, I work overtime and on Saturday's during the summer for another department. Usually, once the busy season is over, things slow down.  Well, I'm still waiting for that to happen and the busy season was over three months ago.

When I'm not working on Saturday (or the occasional Sunday), I'm running off doing something else.  I'm not really sure what that something else has been, but I promise you that I've been running around doing something.

Holidays have never been my favorite time of year. Past holidays, for me, have been plagued with disappointments and heart ache.  I'm trying to remind myself that I've let the past go and I'm moving forward with a better attitude and better insight on how I put myself in situations to be let down.  Sadly, I think this has had an affect on two things:
1) I'm numb to feeling things.  I've taken on that "I just don't care" attitude.
2) I avoid things that will make me feel.

Case in point - My sister and I haven't spoken in almost two years. (For the first six months, I didn't realize she was avoiding me.)  When first learning that she had this issue with me and/or my life, I really just didn't care.  That hurt her feelings. My responses to her were uncaring and, probably, unkind.  Recently, I fueled the fire by, apparently, sending a non-touchy-feely birthday e-mail which sparked more anger/hurt from her.  Her response, I thought, was immature.  When I responded to it saying so, she left me this long dramatic voicemail.  My response, I REALLY DON'T CARE.  She says she's offered to get together and discuss the issue. Me, I'm thinking, nah. Let's not. I'm not up for a sit down and let's cry our eyes out together. I'm not changing my mind. She's not changing hers. I'm not going to stress out and get all emotional over someone else's disapproval or opinion over what I do with my life. Even if it is my sister.  I really just don't feel like I have any emotion to give to this situation or any other situation in life.  I honestly feel like my emotions are tapped out for life.

This is just one example. I have more. My point is, I'm beginning to feel like I've done a complete 180 and have gone to the extreme opposite end of the codependent spectrum in regard to my emotions.  That can't be good!

In more exciting news, I became a cat owner.  I cant' believe it. I never wanted an animal.  Too much work.  (If you know me, you know that I don't like to put too much effort into a whole lot.)  It was a con-job this whole cat thing.  But whatever. She's effin cute and I can't help that I've become obsessed with taking pictures of a cat.  I hate that.  I hate when people become obsessed with their animals or kids. (I know. That isn't nice, but some people forget themselves when they have kids. Just sayin.  <--See, I have complete disregard for people's feelings these days too. That's so not me.)  Anyway, pics of the kitty cat Bali:

This is when we first brought her home. She was so tiny and sweet.

She spends a lot of time sleeping in weird positions like this.

And just an example of how I can't keep up with the crazy little psycho. 

Did I mention that she likes to bite?  And attack your face?  No?  Oh, yes.

Alright, I'm off for break. No internet for two whole weeks!  How exciting is that? I was hoping for peace and relaxation, but my weeks are quickly being filled up with running here and running there?  Did I mention that I'm tired of being the one to go to people?  No? Well, we'll save that gripe for another day. =)

Merry Christmas people! 

Out of Network & Out of Pocket

 Photo courtesy obraprima

When I was younger, my family doctor was the same doctor who delivered me…and my mom…and her mom.  Needless to say, my doctor passed away before I was a teenager.  Since then, I haven’t had a real family doctor.  I never needed to see a doctor much so I suppose it didn’t seem like a big deal then.  When it came time for me to need a doctor for regular physicals and things, I didn’t know where to begin.  I still don’t.

As I came of age and had a job where I finally had health insurance, I randomly selected a doctor that I knew of because he had done my dad’s colonoscopies.  This doctor was a DO, which meant nothing to me then, and practiced gastroenterology and internal medicine.  Fine. Whatever. I didn’t care at the time.  I really didn’t know what to look for or how to find a doctor. I just needed someone to give me a physical, keep my prescription for birth control current and see me for the occasional illness.

Of course, I was rarely ill and, when I did go to the doctor, I never actually saw the doctor. I saw the Physician’s Assistant. That was fine because the PA was a woman and I am much more comfortable seeing a woman for my womanly issues.  It was fine, at least, until the PA made a few remarks that made me very uncomfortable.  I was having a chronic problem with yeast infections. I was having one at least once every month.  When I inquired about what could be causing them, she said something about how the only two things could cause chronic yeast infections: diabetes and HIV.  Talk about scaring the hell out of someone…and for no reason. It wasn’t until I went off of the pill that the real culprit came to light.  It was, in fact, the pill cause my problem!

In recent years, I’ve made an attempt to find a doctor closer to work.  It makes sense to be able to leave work and drive 15 minutes to the doctor at any time of the day rather than trying to drive 45 minutes one way and fitting in a doctor’s appointment either in the morning (beginning of the day) or afternoon (end of the day) which never seems possible anyway.  But how does one pick a doctor in a town they are only vaguely familiar with?  By asking friends and coworkers, of course.

This led me to my last doctor who was ok, at first.  Then she started giving me life advice and telling me how to sort out my life and which decisions I should be making based on her own beliefs and only bits and pieces of my life story.  Thank you, but I’ve already seen a shrink for this.  There are also issues that I have been having that she had no idea how to fix or what to do.  She said to me, “I know that your issues are hormonal, but I don’t know what to do for you.”  It was probably a blessing in disguise when she sent all of her patients a letter saying she was leaving her practice to go explore opportunities at the local hospital.

At this point, I had had enough. I just wanted someone who wouldn’t look at me like I have two heads or three eyeballs when I say I’m having hot flashes!!!  Based on the advice of my friend/landlord, I went to see a doctor who is a D.O. and is also dedicated to holistic healing.  This doctor doesn’t accept insurance and, thus, is considered out of network.  Because I was/am desperate to find someone who will help me, who won’t make me feel like I’m crazy, and who can offer some kind of solution to my problems, I decided to give it a whirl.  

My initial visit was one full hour with the doctor and $425.  It wasn’t what I had experienced in the past as a typical office visit. No one weighed me, took my blood pressure, took my temperature or looked in my ears. I arrived a few minutes early and the doctor herself called me and took me back to the room.  There was no waiting and there was no one else in the office waiting to be seen.  She sat in a chair and I sat across from her. She said to tell her what was going on. I explained my main issues being that I feel like I’m having hot flashes even though everyone says I’m too young.  “In fact”, I told her, “I’m having one right now.”  She asked me to show her where I was feeling hot and I did. She said I was indeed having a hot flash!!! 

I explained more about the issues I was having - anxiety, panic attacks, I was edgy and not able to sleep, not being able to focus, fatigue, a chronic no-apparent-reason rash, weight gain, loss of libido, night sweats, some serious acne, a serious sensitivity to smells and perfumes, and digestive problems.  After listening patiently to my problems and my theories about what I thought caused some of them, she told me there is definite potential for a hormonal imbalance. She explained to me and drew a diagram about how our hormones work and are created, what affects stress can have on the production of different hormones and how things can be thrown off kilter.  When it was all said and done, she had given me a full prescription page full of labs that needed to be done, a 24-hour urine home analysis kit to check for toxins in my system and a suggestion for a natural antihistamine for my scent sensitivity.

I left that office beaming.  Even though we didn’t know exactly how off kilter my hormones were and I had to wait at least a month to find out, I had to drive 45 minutes one way, AND it cost me $425 of my own money, I was ECSTATIC!  Someone believed me! Someone actually thinks that there is something we can do to fix me!  (I actually ended up waiting six weeks to see the doctor again.  My blood tests had to be done in a three day window within my cycle.  Apparently, my cycle was off (another issue) and it takes two weeks to get the results from the tests.)

My second appointment was all of fifteen minutes.  Again, I was the only one in the waiting area and the doctor herself greeted me and took me to the room.  She showed me my test results and explained everything to me.  All of my hormones are out of whack and my testosterone levels were “the lowest of any woman I have ever seen,” she said.  I also had toxic levels of lead in my system. Kind of creepy, no?  I walked away with a page of instructions and my prescriptions were called into the super pharmacy that compounds their own medications and then mails them to me!  In the morning, I take 6 pills to “get the lead out”, 1 DHEA supplement, 6 drops of vitamin D that amounts to about 2500 times the daily value, and I slather on a testosterone gel.  In the evening, I rub in a progesterone cream. 

It’s too early to notice a change, but I am so excited to be doing something. I am excited to know that I’m not crazy. There is something out there to help me.  I want to share my doctor with all of my friends who are having issues that no one else can seem to solve. 

The medical profession is frustrating to me in so many ways.  So many of my friends have issues that there is no real solution for. Everything is a try this and see if it works approach.  If that doesn’t work, we’ll try something new.  My friend’s issues range from migraines and insomnia to epilepsy and chronic depression.  It’s so frustrating. And finding a doctor, a good doctor, is so very hard. 

Anyway, if all goes well with this hormone therapy program, I would love to recommend this doctor to anyone.  The initial cost seems like a lot.  Of the $425 initial visit, which I did turn in to my insurance (the doctor’s office gives you a medical billing form to help with that), $236 of it was covered by my insurance.  That, however, did not even cover my $250 out of network deductible.  (It’s sad that extremely good money is paid for insurance and you can’t see any doctor you want and have it covered.)  I am still waiting to see how much of the second visit will be covered.  But the doctor only makes you come see her when it’s absolutely necessary. She is having me check in around the two week mark via email.  If I have questions, I can call or email (which I have done).  If something isn’t working, email.  She makes it clear that she’s not there just to take your money.  She wants to help you and is willing to help keep the costs down and work with you in a manner that works for you.

Blogger editor

Well, I published the previous post and blogger isn't letting me go back and edit it so I can finish it.  But it's long enough. You get the idea.  =)

C25k Plus

For the last six weeks or so, I have attempted to incorporate regular exercise into my daily routine.  I, like many people, struggle with making/taking the time to exercise.  Since moving, however, I have had exclusive access to workout equipment including a treadmill, an exercise machine that does everything, weight benches, dumbbells and an incline bench.  So, I told myself that there is no real excuse for not getting off my butt and getting moving.


My initial plan was to exercise with My Friend five days a week. We were going to alternate equipment on alternating days.  On Day 1, I would use the treadmill while he used the machines and weights.  On Day 2, I would use the machines and weights while he used the treadmill.  And so on and so forth.  That was the plan. Of course, the plan didn’t work out like I had imagined it would.


My Friend realized that he is used to having a spotter when using weights.  He found himself doing a set and then sitting around wasting too much time during his rest in between sets.  Whereas, if he had a spotter, he would do a set, his spotter would do a set and then they would switch back and forth giving adequate rest time while not wasting time.  He also prefers to do more treadmill work which causes conflict because we both like hitting the treadmill each time we work out.


 The plan I had for myself was to follow the Couch to 5K plan three days per week and then weight train on the off days.  I found myself conflicted regarding this because I like to weight train and do cardio together in order to burn more calories.  (Thank you Jillian Michaels!)  And, I have found in the past that my legs benefit from a good days break in-between running.


So, the last six weeks have been a trial and error type thing until we could get into a routine that we both liked. Unfortunately, My Friend caught a wretched cold about two and a half weeks ago and hasn’t come back to working out with me since.  Though I enjoyed the idea of working out with a partner, I don’t mind going it alone.  I actually prefer it given we both want to use the treadmill. Now there’s no waiting or fighting over it.


My workouts got off to a rocky start. The first week that I started, everything in life just kind of blew up. My Friend had someone quit at work so he was having to work a lot more and a lot later to cover for this person.  We were house-sitting as well and some other odd things came up. I got in two workouts that week and then had three days of nothing so I gave myself a full week and started all over again.


I started with Week 1 of the Couch to 5K program.  After each session on the treadmill, I would do some weight training.  My favorite moves consist of the following:

·       Lunges with bicep curls with 5 lb dumbbells (moving up to 10 lb)

·       Side Lunge with Anterior Shoulder Raise with 5 lb dumbbells

·       Overhead Tricep Extensions with 10 lb dumbbell

·       Tricep Kickbacks with 5 lb dumbbells

·       Chest Fly with 5 lb dumbbells (moving up to 10 lb)

·       Standing Leg Extension with Shoulder Press using 5 lb dumbbells

·       Should Shrugs with 10 lb dumbbells

·       Sit-ups on the incline bench (2 sets of 5)

Most of these exercises come from Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred dvd.  (I heart Jillian!) I also have to share that I had a bit of a misadventure doing sit-ups on the incline bench. Being a smartass, apparently, I executed 3 sets of 10 sit-ups on the incline bench during my first week of exercise.  I couldn’t rotate my torso for two weeks.  Standing up and sitting down without the support of my arms was torture.  I even gave it another week after that to make sure I was fully healed.  Now, I take it easy eeking out two sets of five.  They say you can’t do much harm to your stomach muscles, but au contraire, mon frère.  Really!  It hurt! Like hell!

I’m also taking it easy with the whole C25K thing.  I’m the kind of person that likes to be good at something before I move on to the next level or the next stage.  Instead of immediately going from week 1 to week 2 to week 3 and so on, I’m doing each week of training for two weeks.  I just finished my second week of week 3 and started my first week of week 4 last night.  This gives me time to build up a little stamina. It gives me time to get bored of something before I move on and I have a better feeling that I will be able to accomplish the next week.

Going in, I already knew that I liked to run. I don’t love it, but I like it well enough to do it.  I had never run on a treadmill though. I had only run outside. At first, I didn’t think I’d like the treadmill. There’s very little margin for error when it comes to footing and timing. You have to keep your feet moving. There’s no real cheating (which is good for me) unless you step off to the side.  I really have to make an effort to pay attention and keep my eyes forward otherwise I’m likely to veer off to the side and that is a tooth loss waiting to happen. 

The benefits that I have found when running on a treadmill as compared to outside is that the surface is smooth and consistent. No worrying about stepping in a hole or on something and twisting your ankle.  No worrying about someone coming up behind you on a bike or having to pass anyone.  You can maintain a consistent speed which I have found to be much harder when running outside.  You can track your speed and distance easily. 

I’m sure that, should I ever want to train for a race, it would behoove me to train outside or on a track. From what I can figure, and I have done zero research on the matter, there is a something lacking in treadmill running.  When you run outside, you have to use your legs to push yourself forward.  When running on a treadmill, you really just keep your legs moving while the belt moves for you. There’s no real force to keep your body moving in the forward motion.  Like I said, I’m not expert on the subject but this is what I think about when I’m on the treadmill needing something to keep my mind off the monotony of running.

The main purpose of my exercise endeavor is to try to have a healthy body.   My doctor once said that the only fountain of youth out there is exercise and I buy into that school of thought.  I wouldn’t mind toning up and losing 7-8 lbs either. Though, I do know enough about exercise to know that three days per week probably isn’t going to cut it if I want to lose weight. It will help me maintain my weight, but not lose it necessarily. And given that I only have 7-8 lbs to lose, it may take a lot more work to lose than if I had 100 lbs to lose.  I don’t own a scale so I couldn’t really tell you if I’ve lost weight or not. I did notice that my pants are a little bit looser, but it may be a fluke too. (I don’t want to jinx it.)  I would like to work up to getting exercise 5 days a week since we are planning another trip to Cabo San Lucas in about six months. So I have six months to get in shape. =)

So far, I’m enjoying my workouts. I usually have a Friday-Saturday break making my Sunday a great running day. My legs are well rested and I am eager to get back at it.  (I find my calves to be my biggest obstacle – always tight and always burning.)  Usually the second day, Tuesday, is the roughest. I’m tired from work, my body isn’t as rested and I am just dreading hauling my butt to the treadmill.  By Thursday, my third day, I feel accomplished that I made it through another week.  I am pretty proud that I’ve kept up the pace and kept going. I hope, again, that I’m not jinxing myself.