Daytime Night Owl

I've been so quiet

2012-01-12T15:29:00.000-05:00

Wow! It has been quite a while since I have written anything at all. It appears that I've nearly abandoned this blog. Not so. I think about things to write all of the time. It always seems to come out fine when I'm writing it in my head on my commute home, but when I actually sit down to tap it out on my keyboard, I come up blank.

A lot happened in the last few months of 2011. There were weddings, vacations, hockey games, new friends, parties, etc. All things that are blog worthy. But, there's no point in looking back I guess. We've entered a new year with new things happening. There are a number of significant changes coming in 2012 and I'm excited. And nervous. And excited. But that's what change is supposed to be, right?

I feel like I should be making New Year's resolutions or setting goals. I'm never good at doing that. Many people are adamant that you should have goals for your life. You should set small, attainable goals then big goals. I don't know if it's the commitaphobe in me or what, but I hate setting goals. I never pay attention to the goals I set anyway. I do what comes to me. I do what I want to do. I do what I need to do. I do what comes to mind. This seems a bit contradictory to my normal way of functioning considering that I don't like it when plans suddenly change. I don't adapt well. I like to know what lies ahead of me for the day and I don't like abrupt changes. But, it is what it is.

I do have some things I'd like to do this year, but I haven't really spent too much time thinking about it.

I'd like to do something awesome like skydiving. Or go zip lining again! (Oh, I didn't tell you about that. Maybe later)
I'd like to visit my friend in Florida who I have been promising for a couple of years that I'd come visit.
I'd like to blog more and be more interesting. I don't know how to do this though.
I'd like to be more positive, especially toward the people I work with and some of my family members.
I'd like to go to church. (This was a resolution last year and I kick myself regularly over this one. I hate finding a church though. I hate the whole process!)
I'd like to build a good nest egg. As good as a single person can build on their own.
I'd like to give a few family members my whole-hearted, honest opinion on a few things like how they are so very wrong about other family members.
I'd like to go back to counseling to work out a few more things.

Wow, I guess I have thought about it more than I realized. These are all things I'd like to do. It doesn't mean that they'll necessarily happen. Regardless, I'm looking forward to new things in 2012. What about you?

I Survived

2011-10-06T16:07:00.000-04:00

This past week was the county fair in the Town LeftBehind. I usually work the fair boothfor my employer and help my mom with some catering events on the fairgrounds. I always have anxiety about whoI will run into.

The first night I worked, My Friend sat with me at the fairbooth. I was a bit anxious. I don’t likepeople in that town knowing my business. I try to steer clear of all personalaspects of my life when I’m there.

The night went by rather seamlessly. It rained. A lot. So there were very fewpeople in attendance. Having My Friend there made the time pass quickly andactually helped me forget my apprehension.

My second fair shift was scheduled for Saturdaymorning. I like the morning shift. Itwas pretty slow, as anticipated, until around noon.

My shift ended at 1 o’clock. I was to call my mom then to see what she needed my help with and whenand where I should be meeting her. Sheasked me if Nellie(the Boy Left Behind’s daughter) would be helping us. I was supposed to figure this out prior tonow, but decided I didn’t feel like dealing with the Boy Left Behind after an antagonisticcomment he made in the last text I had received from him a few weeksprior. I told my mom this and she wasfine with it. I hung up the phone,turned the corner and headed toward the front gate to my car. Lo and behold, I run into Nellie, the BoyLeft Behind and his second child’s mother. (Seriously, I want to refer to heras “the baby momma,” but I know in my head that it’s not appropriate. She’s young and unsuspecting and I feel in myheart that she will, one day, figure out that he has nothing to offer her. But anyway…)

It’s been over two years now since the Boy Left Behind and Iparted ways. I’ve been dreading thismoment for two years. I have played outnumerous scenarios in my head, the things I would say, the way I wouldfeel. None of that ever came to fruition. My heart never even skipped a beat!

I walked right up (there was really no avoiding each other),gave Nellie a big hug and said that my mom and I were just talking about her. Iasked if she wanted to help us back stage at the Josh Turner concert and shesquealed. Duh! Silly me! Of course, her dad had to play hard ball with the we’ll see act. Whatever.

(Nellie backstage, yo.)

I had full intentions of introducing myself to his babymomma (Oops. Dang it!), but she wouldn’t even look my direction. The Boy Left Behind pleaded with me with hiseyes to let him be on his way so I made sure to chat it up with Nellie a littlebit longer. (It’s evil of me, I know.) I gave Nellie one last big hug and went on myway.

I was surprised, as I was walking away and in the momentsshortly after the encounter, that my mind did not run off racing with millionsof thoughts. I wasn’t obsessing aboutany of it. It took a second for all thatto sink in and, then, I gave myself a big ole pat on the back. I survived. It was a heck of a lot easier (for me) than I had ever imagined it wouldbe.

I’m healing (sort of). I’m stronger than ever before (for sure). I survived.

Sisters

2011-09-23T15:08:00.002-04:00

I mentioned once, briefly, that my sister and I haven’tspoken in over two years. At least, wehaven’t shared more than niceties at holiday dinners and the like. At my niece’s graduation, she hugged megoodbye and held me with a death grip as she began to sob. She whispered in my ear that she missed hersister and that she wished we could get together to talk. Not knowing what to say at that exact moment,I said I’d call her and we’d have coffee or something.

Well, some time went by and I received a random email fromher (just a pic of my brother-in-law and a bust he made). I decided to reply to it and see if shewanted to set up a date to get together. We settled on a date and we met uplast weekend at a coffee house. Ipurposely picked a neutral place in a neutral town so we could be on impartialterritory without interruption.

When I arrived (it took me 10 minutes to park becauseneither of us realized that there was an apple festival going on that day), weordered coffee and grabbed a table. Forthe first three hours (THREE HOURS), we chatted about her three kids, our dad,family, our moms, etc. When we realizedit was nearing closing time, we decided it was time to face the elephant in theroom.

Facing the issue and talking about it was actually theshortest part of our 4+ hour conversation. It was surprisingly easy to say what we needed to say, explain whatneeded explanation, apologize and move on. I’m glad we did it. I’m glad that we have made amends.

Now, we wait and see if sisters can actually besisters. Time will tell if we can befriends instead of her being the big sister (she’s 10 years older) who feels responsiblefor my well-being and wants to mother me and me being the rebellious kid who defieseverything she says. Keeping my fingerscrossed.

Making amends is a great thing. It’s freeing to thesoul. If you have things that have goneunsaid with someone in your life, making the effort to forgive and mend therelationship is worth it. Sometimes itdoes take time to get over things or come to a place of forgiveness, but itfeels mighty good when you reach that point.

(Unfortunately, I shouldn't show you her face, but this was the best picture together we've ever had and it was unintentional. This was a few years and about 15 lbs ago.)

On this day

2011-09-11T22:10:00.000-04:00

In 2001, I witnessed my first real, memorable tragedy. It was the first historical event that I actually recall.

I was living with my dad and his wife at the time. I had just gotten up and was getting a bowl of cereal before work. As was the norm, the radio in the kitchen was on. As I was pouring my cereal, the radio announcer was saying that the World Trade Center had been bombed. To be completely honest, I had no idea what the World Trade Center or the Twin Towers were. I didn't have an inkling of the magnitude of what I had just heard.

I went downstairs and told my dad about the "bombing." His face was immediately wrought with worry and I instantly became aware that this was bigger than I realized. My dad, you see, was a Vietnam Vet. It's not something he talks about, but his commitment to our country is unwavering. I had never witnessed the look on his face that he had that day.

As I sat down on the couch, my dad turned the TV on. We sat together watching the events unfold. We watched as they played and replayed the second plane crashing into the Twin Towers. We watched as the plane crashed into the Pentagon and as the news of the forth plane crashing in Pennsylvania was delivered. We watched as the towers came crashing down. Even as I watched, I don't think I understood the magnitude of it all. The lives that were lost. The number of people who lost loved ones. The efforts of the fireman, police, military, emergency workers, and your everyday, average person. I will never forget that day.

My thoughts and prayers go out to all those whose lives have been affected by 9/11 and to all those who work so hard protecting our country and freedom each and everyday.

Broken

2011-07-01T11:56:00.000-04:00

This quote sums up the tears in my eyes and how I feel today:

You don't die from a broken heart - you only wish you did.

~Anonymous

Thanking my body

2011-06-30T15:54:00.000-04:00

After a month or so of self-loathing, I wanted to reach out and hug myself last night. For several months now, I have been working out regularly. I have felt the difference in my body. I can actually feel the strong muscles underneath a little layer of cushion. Even still, I wasn't happy. I wasn't seeing the difference in my waistline, hips and thighs and that led to me feeling defeated.

Last night, I did my usual workout. And I've decided that running has worked for me in the past to trim my waistline so, after the workout, I hopped on the treadmill. I have some Couch to 5k workouts taped the the treadmill. I don't know which weeks they are though. So I just picked one and went for it. Turns out, I picked week 3. AND it was so easy!

The last time I tried doing the C25K program, it took me five weeks to work up to week 3. This is how I know that my body is transforming. Running has never felt so easy for me. Getting my body in shape and toning muscles first has really seemed to help in other forms of exercise.

I was really very proud of myself last night. I even amped up the speed on the last running interval and it didn't even phase me. It felt good. OMW! Did I just say that?

So, for now, I'm going to ride the high that I got from being so proud of how my body has transformed. Thank you very much body!

(And if anyone wants recommendations for in home DVDs, hit me up. With an initial investment of about $20, you can do what I've been doing.)

Fit to be Fit

2011-06-17T16:32:00.000-04:00

Nearly three months ago, I started exercising with a friend of a friend. Each night after work, we meet up at my landlord's (who has a spacious garage, of sorts), put in a workout DVD (workout DVDs have come a long way since Jane Fonda) and work up a good sweat and some sore muscles.

We really went at it hardcore for the first few weeks. But Tracy, my friend's friend, starting showing signs that it was time to take a day or two off. So we did. Sometimes it really helps to take a few days off. We were going at it so hard every single day that we overworked ourselves. We picked right back up and continued to go hard 5-6 days a week.

Since summer has started to finally set in, though, we've gotten off kilter. I'm hoping to pick back up here in the next few days and really start hitting it hard again. The thing is, at this point, we really need to change up the routine. We have several DVDs that we rotate, but they've all become pretty routine and I feel very little change taking place.

At this point, I also really need to reevaluate my goals. I started out wanting to be healthy and fit. I wanted to feel stronger, have better posture and start fitting back into last summer's clothes. It's funny how I can be meeting the majority of those goals and, yet, one goal that I seem to not be meeting is bringing me way down.

I've been in dire need of some new dress pants for work. (I need jeans too, but I spend 5 out of 7 days at work so, really, I can get by with 1 or 2 pair of jeans.) I literally have three pair of dress pants (that I can fit into) that I rotate throughout the 5 day week. Pants are really hard for me to find. I have a full derrière, full thighs and some saddlebags. All features I'm fine with until it comes to shopping for pants. It has been at least three years since I shopped for pants. I hate it!

I've tried curvy fit pants and they are way too baggy in the aforementioned regions. Regular fit are too tight. I've tried different brands and different styles. I finally went on a mini pant-finding mission with a friend from work and bought three new pairs of pants IN THE SAME COLORS I ALREADY HAVE! That was discouraging because I was really hoping to find some summery pants, not black, brown and gray. To add to my displeasure, I had to go up, yet, another size.

And that, my friends, has brought me into the biggest pity party imaginable. I KNOW that exercise takes time. I KNOW that I am feeling stronger. I can actually feel muscles people! My posture is better, I can feel it. I've progressed in my workouts. I have increased endurance and stamina. But I still have this growing tire around my middle and it is driving me batty.

I've surely gained 20 pounds in the last few years. I'm not obese or even fat by any means. I know this. I'm not trying to compare myself or my weight to anyone else. I just don't feel like me. I am a puffy, uncomfortable version of myself and it's on my mind constantly. I am continually trying to find the outfit to hide it all which is burdensome. A state of self-loathing has set in.

I've dealt with years of anorexic behavior (it's amazing the images our minds perceive when looking in that mirror that are so unreal) and I promised never to go back to that. I have undoubtedly screwed up my entire system because of it. I've actually grown very fond of eating. LOL I know the next steps in my journey need to be a change in eating habits along with exercise to be completely successful. Add in some positive thinking and reinforcement.

Working out daily after work is tough. Things like a tidy and clean house suffer. It takes a lot of time to come home, change your clothes, do the actual workout, shower and then fix dinner, eat and clean up. You're entire evening is shot. I start thinking of all the things that need to be done and aren't getting done and I start to want to cut back on my workouts and am constantly thinking of how they are impeding on my evening. I can't think like that.

I am determined to stick with it even though my mind wants to tell me that it's not doing any good. Another visit to Mexico is around the corner and I was hoping to be in beach shape, but it's not likely I'll even be down to the same size I was last year. I am also going to make changes to my eating habits. Today I drank the last Mountain Dew in my house. I want to be done letting it control me. That sounds so stupid, but it's true. I'm going to do some research and figure out the right way to eat and make a plan. This is hard for me. I hate spending time doing this type of thing, but I want to see results and the only way to do that is to put forth the effort. I need to kick it in gear because I'm fit to be fit.

6/6/11 Random Thoughts

2011-06-06T17:59:00.000-04:00

I find myself often wishing for different skills or gifts that I admire in others. Wishing I were better at planning ahead. Better at organizing. More motivated. Wishing that I enjoyed gardening instead of knowing that I might take the initiative to start one then knowing it would grow over with weeds. Wishing I could pick out my outfits on Sunday for the whole week. Wishing I could actually be on time for work everyday. Wishing I had better cooking skills. Wishing I were more witty and clever. Wishing I were less socially awkward. Wishing I could strike up a conversation with anyone. Wishing I were more caring about others.

I often wish for family relationships that see in those around me. A better relationship with my dad. A closer connection with my mom. A friendship with my sister. Wishing my family actually enjoyed each others company instead of dreading seeing one another. Wishing my family would take trips together instead of always saying it's too much of a hassle to even drive an hour to see one another or we're too busy to pick up the phone to call. Wishing my family were capable of having fun together instead of suffering through a holiday meal.

I often wonder if I will regret my decision to not have children when it's too late. I wonder if this relationship is right for me, if it's the best one there is for me. (I have dreams and imagine so much more.) I wonder will I regret not doing everything in my power to travel or live abroad like I've always wanted to do. I wonder how much I will regret not finding a different job and sticking with the one I have out of fear. I wonder if I will kick myself for allowing fear to take over my life. I wonder if I will ever get beyond feeling too afraid to feel. I wonder if I'll ever be able to allow myself to feel vulnerable again. I wonder if I will ever have it in me to cry and feel the pain of loss when those times come.

I thought I had come so far, but all of these thoughts consume me daily and it tells me that I've fallen backward.

Brazillian

2011-06-03T16:59:00.000-04:00

No, I'm not talking waxing here. I could, but I won't.

I am always logged into one or two messengers throughout the day (usually ICQ and Yahoo!), but it's not any big deal really. There's never anyone to talk to. Yesterday, however, a little notification popped up telling me Dani was online. I was so giddy I almost peed myself. Seriously.

Dani was an exchange student from Brazil when I was in 10th or 11th grade. She and I became great friends. She has only been able to come back to the U.S. to visit once since that time and I rarely am able to talk with her. It's literally been years. So when she came online yesterday, I was estatic.

We chatted for quite a while. What I love about Dani is that she and I can usually pick right up where we left off without hesitation. She's funny and straight forward and I just love that.

Naturally, we talked about wanting to visit in person. I got online and started checking to see how much a ticket to Brazil would be. Holy hell! I could fly half way around the world for less than a ticket to Brazil. What on Earth? It was very depressing.

I don't know what to do for sure. So many friends live so far away and I'd love to visit all of them. It seems so unrealistic though. I need some frequent flyer miles or something. But, I suppose I'd actually have to go place to accumulate any. Ugh. What does one do?

Entering the 21st Century (and a rant)

2011-05-20T13:48:00.000-04:00

When we moved at the end of June last year into a very small cabin-like home, I decided to store my big, very old and bulky PC and forgo internet service. It wasn't a big deal to me because I had access to the internet at work and I've "gone without" similar luxuries before (3 years without any kind of television service). After nine months without an internet connection at home, I finally caved. And not only did I finally have internet service at home, but I also bought a new laptop (which I love!!!) with the help of my techie BFF.

I decided to make my way back into the realm of the 21st century, not because I was having withdrawals and couldn't live without it, but because it was frustrating that every time we wanted to look something up we couldn't. Every time we wanted to check a bank balance or try to make vacation plans or look for ideas to redo the closet, we had to either bug someone else or do it after work. It was inconvenient.

For me, it is still a tough adjustment. I hate paying so much for internet service. I hate paying for a lot of things though. =) Particularly, where we live (in the boonies), there are very few options for internet service providers. There is no real competition. You either take what you can get or you don't get.

I also find myself wasting a lot of time checking Facebook and checking my email (and I get very few emails of substance from friends and family). The internet can certainly be addicting, as is television (one of the reasons I didn't have it before and would prefer not to have it now). So, I'm going to try to make a pact with myself to be productive when online and limit my internet play time.

Now, I'm considering a new phone. My phone is very outdated and is a flip-phone.

**Pausing for laughter**

My tech savvy BFF is pointing me in the direction of an Andriod phone. It's so very frustrating though. Not only are they expensive to buy, but you get locked into this 2-year contract with your service provider (in this case, Verizon and formerly Alltel which I liked a great deal better) and you have to pay an arm and a leg for an additional data plan. Let's not forget that I'm already paying a small fortune for a phone plan for minutes that I hardly use because of my Friends & Family numbers (people you can call without using your minutes), but without that specific plan, I don't have the Friends and Family numbers. Not to mention that, because I live in the boonies and rely on my cell phone at home, I have limited service in my area so I have to stick with this service provider because others have very spotty service here. I would think, by now, these cell phone companies could get their act together and actually provide service everywhere (or maybe they can and just don't). What a crock! It seems no matter what it is today (internet, cell phones, satellite/cable, gasoline), you have very few actual choices as the consumer. The service providers get you coming and going. It just pisses me off and that is why I have avoided for so long taking the plunge.

Eventually, I will have to decide what to do because my phone is truly on it's last leg. I just hate the added cost of all of it. I am slowly re-entering the 21st Century though. One step at a time.

Morning cocktail

2011-03-29T12:54:00.000-04:00

This is my morning cocktail -

I wake up every day and take these 10 pills. I then drink 10 oz of water mixed with OxyDHQ. Throughout the rest of the day, I take an additional 8 pills and drink another 10 oz of water mixed with OxyDHQ. On top of that, I am drinking 70-80 oz of water a day. I feel like a floating pill popper.

This pill popping won’t last forever. I will be done with six of the ten morning pill cocktail by the end of the week, but that is after three months of taking that particular pill. This, however, assumes that my test results come back saying that the pills have done what we have hoped to the extent that we want. I have not been given a timeline on the rest of the pills yet, but downing twelve pills a day instead of eighteen will be great.

All of this is part of my regimen given by the Out of Pocket doctor. All of the pills and liquids and creams and gels that I take or use are natural. The Ionic Detoxification foot baths that I have been doing are a holistic method to rid one’s body of toxins.

Overall, I have been feeling great. I am trying to exercise patience, but I am ready for the final result. I want to be completely fixed NOW. I know that that is not a reasonable expectation so I am striving to maintain a positive outlook even though my pocket book is really beginning to feel the effects of this Out of Network experience. All the pills, creams, gels, drinks, time and money are going to be worth it in the long run. I just know it.

Neglect

2011-03-26T12:08:00.000-04:00

I've completely neglected most of my goals for 2011. I usually do not like to commit things in writing (hello commitaphobe) which is why I haven't shared my goals with anyone anywhere. I suppose it's the fear of disappointing people if I don't attain a goal which, as part of the whole codependent thing, can be detrimental to my self-esteem. Or, at least, it has been in the past. One of my goals was to write more here. Obviously I haven't done so well.

It isn't that I don't like to write. I've found that I spend a lot of time carefully choosing my words and being careful not to rock the boat. I have a tendency to say things without thinking of their ramifications or who it might hurt or how it might impact others so it's easier to not say anything at all. This is tedious and nerve-wracking, especially for me. Anymore, I avoid things that cause me anxiety so I've been avoiding this place.

I also find myself thinking that writing here is kind of pointless. What is there to say that the people that I know read don't already know? Also there's that element of exposure. I've always kept my deepest thoughts, fears and secrets to myself. Not even my best friend in the whole world knows my deep, dark secrets. Fear of rejection? Fear of not being accepted? A deep seeded fear caused by those close to me leaking my secrets to a high school friend's mom causing years of torment and torture. Or fear caused by a drunken mother's inability to keep things to herself and then torturing you in a drunken rage by throwing it all back in your teenage face. It's all embedded deep down in there and I don't know how to let it all go.

I'll try harder. And just for good measure...

2011 Goals

Write more on my blog
Drink water
Drink less Mt. Dew
Exercise, exercise, exercise
Incorporate something for me into my life (another codependency issue) - a class, time for myself, reading, making time for those who are important to me
Go to church

I've given you the generic version. The goals in my head are a little more specific, but I thought this would be a good start.

Dave Ramsey asks, "Would you fire you?"

2011-01-20T11:47:00.000-05:00

I usually do not discuss politics or things of that nature with many people and especially not in public settings, but I think about this concept a lot. Particularly because I'm an accountant and I see a lot of wasted money and poor money management practices. I am also concerned because my generation and those after me stand to suffer a great deal due to the mismanagement of finances. (Don’t get me wrong. I don’t expect the government to manage my money, but we aren’t really given a choice in some instances.) So here's my philosophy (stolen from Dave Ramsey really) on governmental money management practices.

---------------------------------------------

Governments and businesses should consider this Dave Ramsey scenario: "If you work for a company called You Incorporated, and your job was to manage money for You Incorporated and you manage money for You Incorporated the same way you manage money for you now, would you fire you?"

Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. (Willy Wonka)

If you managed your money they way you manage the government’s (the people’s) money or the business’s money now, would you fire you?

Nellie

2011-01-12T18:09:00.000-05:00

Even though I complain about many aspects of my job, one of the perks, thanks to our union contract, is the excessive amount of time we get off around Christmas and New Years. Technically, its two days for Christmas (plus Christmas Eve and Christmas Day) and three days for New Year’s (plus New Year’s Eve and New Year’s day). So it ends up being a good week and a half of paid time off away from work.

I had great plans for my time off this year. Lots of cleaning and meeting up with people I hardly ever get to see. All plans were squashed, though, when I came down with a sore throat turned serious sinus crap the day after Christmas. I laid on the couch for a whole week canceling plans and additional Christmas gatherings. It sucked. I was most disappointed, though, about having to cancel on my best girl in the whole world Nellie.

Nellie is The Boy Left Behind’s fifteen year old daughter. Nellie has been part of my life (and I hers) since she was a year and a half old. I love that girl as if she were my own child. I’ve spent a good deal of the last 14 years helping to raise her. I feel like I have gone through much of what most parents’ experience. I’ve changed diapers, made bottles, gave baths, dressed, chased, disciplined, got up in the middle of the night, kissed boo-boos, hugged out hurt feelings and broken hearts, stayed up all night and held her hair back while she threw up, stayed home with her when she was sick, took her to school when she missed the bus, took her to the emergency room, doctor visits, gone to soccer, basketball and volleyball games, dance recitals, had heart to hearts and sex and period talks, played, laughed and cried. All the things that parents do. So, when The Boy Left Behind and I broke up, my heart ached for what it may mean for my relationship with Nellie.

It’s taken some time, but I had no doubt that I would be able to see Nellie. If nothing else, I give some credit to The Boy Left Behind because he knows that I love her and am good to her and he would never keep me from her. Nellie and I have text a lot and, in the Fall, I was able to go to a volleyball game. Over my holiday break, we were planning for her to come and stay the night, but I got sick and all of our plans were squashed. However, this past weekend, I was able to make arrangements with The Boy Left Behind and I picked her up on Saturday. We had a GREAT time together. We were able to talk, be silly, laugh and we spent a lot of time crying. I miss that so much. Nellie even got her first pedicure ever. It was hilarious because she’s extremely ticklish and the pedicurist was quite the comedian.

Nellie is having a rough go of things right now. She and her mom argue and fight a lot. My understanding is that that is somewhat normal for a girl her age and it happens in a lot of households, but I have nothing to base this on because my mom was an absent alcoholic at this time in my life so I was pretty much on my own. Nellie also struggles with everything surrounding her dad and his girlfriend having a baby and some issues that go way, way back. I feel so helpless. I just want to be able to take her away and make it all better, but I can’t. The best I can do is be there for her, try to help her through it, and offer the best guidance I can while still allowing her to make decisions for herself. The amazing thing about all of this is that she shows such emotional maturity about so many things. She’s definitely more emotionally intelligent than I was at even 25 in some respects. It’s just so sad to watch and know that there is absolutely nothing I can do. But I also know that my struggles in life made me who I am and, possibly, a better person. I just pray that she becomes a better person for all of her struggles and doesn’t, at some point, get lost trying find sanity, safety, security and love in all the wrong places.

Since Nellie's birthday is in December, I got her a little something too. I'm glad I did because she later told me how she cried when her dad and I broke up because she was afraid she'd never see me again. The engraving on this necklace is often called The Adoption Poem, but I felt it suited our relationship perfectly.

I just can't help myself. I love that kid!

And the craziness continues

2010-12-20T18:47:00.000-05:00

Yeah, that's right. At some point in my life, I wished for something other than boredom. Guess what folks. Be careful what you wish for...

Since moving a year and a half ago, life has picked up and it hasn't slowed down. Work is busier than ever (and crazy too). As a general rule, I work overtime and on Saturday's during the summer for another department. Usually, once the busy season is over, things slow down. Well, I'm still waiting for that to happen and the busy season was over three months ago.

When I'm not working on Saturday (or the occasional Sunday), I'm running off doing something else. I'm not really sure what that something else has been, but I promise you that I've been running around doing something.

Holidays have never been my favorite time of year. Past holidays, for me, have been plagued with disappointments and heart ache. I'm trying to remind myself that I've let the past go and I'm moving forward with a better attitude and better insight on how I put myself in situations to be let down. Sadly, I think this has had an affect on two things:
1) I'm numb to feeling things. I've taken on that "I just don't care" attitude.
2) I avoid things that will make me feel.

Case in point - My sister and I haven't spoken in almost two years. (For the first six months, I didn't realize she was avoiding me.) When first learning that she had this issue with me and/or my life, I really just didn't care. That hurt her feelings. My responses to her were uncaring and, probably, unkind. Recently, I fueled the fire by, apparently, sending a non-touchy-feely birthday e-mail which sparked more anger/hurt from her. Her response, I thought, was immature. When I responded to it saying so, she left me this long dramatic voicemail. My response, I REALLY DON'T CARE. She says she's offered to get together and discuss the issue. Me, I'm thinking, nah. Let's not. I'm not up for a sit down and let's cry our eyes out together. I'm not changing my mind. She's not changing hers. I'm not going to stress out and get all emotional over someone else's disapproval or opinion over what I do with my life. Even if it is my sister. I really just don't feel like I have any emotion to give to this situation or any other situation in life. I honestly feel like my emotions are tapped out for life.

This is just one example. I have more. My point is, I'm beginning to feel like I've done a complete 180 and have gone to the extreme opposite end of the codependent spectrum in regard to my emotions. That can't be good!

In more exciting news, I became a cat owner. I cant' believe it. I never wanted an animal. Too much work. (If you know me, you know that I don't like to put too much effort into a whole lot.) It was a con-job this whole cat thing. But whatever. She's effin cute and I can't help that I've become obsessed with taking pictures of a cat. I hate that. I hate when people become obsessed with their animals or kids. (I know. That isn't nice, but some people forget themselves when they have kids. Just sayin. <--See, I have complete disregard for people's feelings these days too. That's so not me.) Anyway, pics of the kitty cat Bali:

This is when we first brought her home. She was so tiny and sweet.

She spends a lot of time sleeping in weird positions like this.

And just an example of how I can't keep up with the crazy little psycho.

Did I mention that she likes to bite? And attack your face? No? Oh, yes.

Alright, I'm off for break. No internet for two whole weeks! How exciting is that? I was hoping for peace and relaxation, but my weeks are quickly being filled up with running here and running there? Did I mention that I'm tired of being the one to go to people? No? Well, we'll save that gripe for another day. =)

Merry Christmas people!

Out of Network & Out of Pocket

2010-11-15T16:31:00.000-05:00

Photo courtesy obraprima

When I was younger, my family doctor was the same doctor who delivered me…and my mom…and her mom. Needless to say, my doctor passed away before I was a teenager. Since then, I haven’t had a real family doctor. I never needed to see a doctor much so I suppose it didn’t seem like a big deal then. When it came time for me to need a doctor for regular physicals and things, I didn’t know where to begin. I still don’t.

As I came of age and had a job where I finally had health insurance, I randomly selected a doctor that I knew of because he had done my dad’s colonoscopies. This doctor was a DO, which meant nothing to me then, and practiced gastroenterology and internal medicine. Fine. Whatever. I didn’t care at the time. I really didn’t know what to look for or how to find a doctor. I just needed someone to give me a physical, keep my prescription for birth control current and see me for the occasional illness.

Of course, I was rarely ill and, when I did go to the doctor, I never actually saw the doctor. I saw the Physician’s Assistant. That was fine because the PA was a woman and I am much more comfortable seeing a woman for my womanly issues. It was fine, at least, until the PA made a few remarks that made me very uncomfortable. I was having a chronic problem with yeast infections. I was having one at least once every month. When I inquired about what could be causing them, she said something about how the only two things could cause chronic yeast infections: diabetes and HIV. Talk about scaring the hell out of someone…and for no reason. It wasn’t until I went off of the pill that the real culprit came to light. It was, in fact, the pill cause my problem!

In recent years, I’ve made an attempt to find a doctor closer to work. It makes sense to be able to leave work and drive 15 minutes to the doctor at any time of the day rather than trying to drive 45 minutes one way and fitting in a doctor’s appointment either in the morning (beginning of the day) or afternoon (end of the day) which never seems possible anyway. But how does one pick a doctor in a town they are only vaguely familiar with? By asking friends and coworkers, of course.

This led me to my last doctor who was ok, at first. Then she started giving me life advice and telling me how to sort out my life and which decisions I should be making based on her own beliefs and only bits and pieces of my life story. Thank you, but I’ve already seen a shrink for this. There are also issues that I have been having that she had no idea how to fix or what to do. She said to me, “I know that your issues are hormonal, but I don’t know what to do for you.” It was probably a blessing in disguise when she sent all of her patients a letter saying she was leaving her practice to go explore opportunities at the local hospital.

At this point, I had had enough. I just wanted someone who wouldn’t look at me like I have two heads or three eyeballs when I say I’m having hot flashes!!! Based on the advice of my friend/landlord, I went to see a doctor who is a D.O. and is also dedicated to holistic healing. This doctor doesn’t accept insurance and, thus, is considered out of network. Because I was/am desperate to find someone who will help me, who won’t make me feel like I’m crazy, and who can offer some kind of solution to my problems, I decided to give it a whirl.

My initial visit was one full hour with the doctor and $425. It wasn’t what I had experienced in the past as a typical office visit. No one weighed me, took my blood pressure, took my temperature or looked in my ears. I arrived a few minutes early and the doctor herself called me and took me back to the room. There was no waiting and there was no one else in the office waiting to be seen. She sat in a chair and I sat across from her. She said to tell her what was going on. I explained my main issues being that I feel like I’m having hot flashes even though everyone says I’m too young. “In fact”, I told her, “I’m having one right now.” She asked me to show her where I was feeling hot and I did. She said I was indeed having a hot flash!!!

I explained more about the issues I was having - anxiety, panic attacks, I was edgy and not able to sleep, not being able to focus, fatigue, a chronic no-apparent-reason rash, weight gain, loss of libido, night sweats, some serious acne, a serious sensitivity to smells and perfumes, and digestive problems. After listening patiently to my problems and my theories about what I thought caused some of them, she told me there is definite potential for a hormonal imbalance. She explained to me and drew a diagram about how our hormones work and are created, what affects stress can have on the production of different hormones and how things can be thrown off kilter. When it was all said and done, she had given me a full prescription page full of labs that needed to be done, a 24-hour urine home analysis kit to check for toxins in my system and a suggestion for a natural antihistamine for my scent sensitivity.

I left that office beaming. Even though we didn’t know exactly how off kilter my hormones were and I had to wait at least a month to find out, I had to drive 45 minutes one way, AND it cost me $425 of my own money, I was ECSTATIC! Someone believed me! Someone actually thinks that there is something we can do to fix me! (I actually ended up waiting six weeks to see the doctor again. My blood tests had to be done in a three day window within my cycle. Apparently, my cycle was off (another issue) and it takes two weeks to get the results from the tests.)

My second appointment was all of fifteen minutes. Again, I was the only one in the waiting area and the doctor herself greeted me and took me to the room. She showed me my test results and explained everything to me. All of my hormones are out of whack and my testosterone levels were “the lowest of any woman I have ever seen,” she said. I also had toxic levels of lead in my system. Kind of creepy, no? I walked away with a page of instructions and my prescriptions were called into the super pharmacy that compounds their own medications and then mails them to me! In the morning, I take 6 pills to “get the lead out”, 1 DHEA supplement, 6 drops of vitamin D that amounts to about 2500 times the daily value, and I slather on a testosterone gel. In the evening, I rub in a progesterone cream.

It’s too early to notice a change, but I am so excited to be doing something. I am excited to know that I’m not crazy. There is something out there to help me. I want to share my doctor with all of my friends who are having issues that no one else can seem to solve.

The medical profession is frustrating to me in so many ways. So many of my friends have issues that there is no real solution for. Everything is a try this and see if it works approach. If that doesn’t work, we’ll try something new. My friend’s issues range from migraines and insomnia to epilepsy and chronic depression. It’s so frustrating. And finding a doctor, a good doctor, is so very hard.

Anyway, if all goes well with this hormone therapy program, I would love to recommend this doctor to anyone. The initial cost seems like a lot. Of the $425 initial visit, which I did turn in to my insurance (the doctor’s office gives you a medical billing form to help with that), $236 of it was covered by my insurance. That, however, did not even cover my $250 out of network deductible. (It’s sad that extremely good money is paid for insurance and you can’t see any doctor you want and have it covered.) I am still waiting to see how much of the second visit will be covered. But the doctor only makes you come see her when it’s absolutely necessary. She is having me check in around the two week mark via email. If I have questions, I can call or email (which I have done). If something isn’t working, email. She makes it clear that she’s not there just to take your money. She wants to help you and is willing to help keep the costs down and work with you in a manner that works for you.

Blogger editor

2010-11-12T17:25:00.000-05:00

Well, I published the previous post and blogger isn't letting me go back and edit it so I can finish it. But it's long enough. You get the idea. =)

C25k Plus

2010-09-20T18:20:00.008-04:00

For the last six weeks or so, I have attempted to incorporate regular exercise into my daily routine. I, like many people, struggle with making/taking the time to exercise. Since moving, however, I have had exclusive access to workout equipment including a treadmill, an exercise machine that does everything, weight benches, dumbbells and an incline bench. So, I told myself that there is no real excuse for not getting off my butt and getting moving.

My initial plan was to exercise with My Friend five days a week. We were going to alternate equipment on alternating days. On Day 1, I would use the treadmill while he used the machines and weights. On Day 2, I would use the machines and weights while he used the treadmill. And so on and so forth. That was the plan. Of course, the plan didn’t work out like I had imagined it would.

My Friend realized that he is used to having a spotter when using weights. He found himself doing a set and then sitting around wasting too much time during his rest in between sets. Whereas, if he had a spotter, he would do a set, his spotter would do a set and then they would switch back and forth giving adequate rest time while not wasting time. He also prefers to do more treadmill work which causes conflict because we both like hitting the treadmill each time we work out.

The plan I had for myself was to follow the Couch to 5K plan three days per week and then weight train on the off days. I found myself conflicted regarding this because I like to weight train and do cardio together in order to burn more calories. (Thank you Jillian Michaels!) And, I have found in the past that my legs benefit from a good days break in-between running.

So, the last six weeks have been a trial and error type thing until we could get into a routine that we both liked. Unfortunately, My Friend caught a wretched cold about two and a half weeks ago and hasn’t come back to working out with me since. Though I enjoyed the idea of working out with a partner, I don’t mind going it alone. I actually prefer it given we both want to use the treadmill. Now there’s no waiting or fighting over it.

My workouts got off to a rocky start. The first week that I started, everything in life just kind of blew up. My Friend had someone quit at work so he was having to work a lot more and a lot later to cover for this person. We were house-sitting as well and some other odd things came up. I got in two workouts that week and then had three days of nothing so I gave myself a full week and started all over again.

I started with Week 1 of the Couch to 5K program. After each session on the treadmill, I would do some weight training. My favorite moves consist of the following:

·       Lunges with bicep curls with 5 lb dumbbells (moving up to 10 lb)

·       Side Lunge with Anterior Shoulder Raise with 5 lb dumbbells

·       Overhead Tricep Extensions with 10 lb dumbbell

·       Tricep Kickbacks with 5 lb dumbbells

·       Chest Fly with 5 lb dumbbells (moving up to 10 lb)

·       Standing Leg Extension with Shoulder Press using 5 lb dumbbells

·       Should Shrugs with 10 lb dumbbells

·       Sit-ups on the incline bench (2 sets of 5)

Most of these exercises come from Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred dvd. (I heart Jillian!) I also have to share that I had a bit of a misadventure doing sit-ups on the incline bench. Being a smartass, apparently, I executed 3 sets of 10 sit-ups on the incline bench during my first week of exercise. I couldn’t rotate my torso for two weeks. Standing up and sitting down without the support of my arms was torture. I even gave it another week after that to make sure I was fully healed. Now, I take it easy eeking out two sets of five. They say you can’t do much harm to your stomach muscles, but au contraire, mon frère. Really! It hurt! Like hell!

I’m also taking it easy with the whole C25K thing. I’m the kind of person that likes to be good at something before I move on to the next level or the next stage. Instead of immediately going from week 1 to week 2 to week 3 and so on, I’m doing each week of training for two weeks. I just finished my second week of week 3 and started my first week of week 4 last night. This gives me time to build up a little stamina. It gives me time to get bored of something before I move on and I have a better feeling that I will be able to accomplish the next week.

Going in, I already knew that I liked to run. I don’t love it, but I like it well enough to do it. I had never run on a treadmill though. I had only run outside. At first, I didn’t think I’d like the treadmill. There’s very little margin for error when it comes to footing and timing. You have to keep your feet moving. There’s no real cheating (which is good for me) unless you step off to the side. I really have to make an effort to pay attention and keep my eyes forward otherwise I’m likely to veer off to the side and that is a tooth loss waiting to happen.

The benefits that I have found when running on a treadmill as compared to outside is that the surface is smooth and consistent. No worrying about stepping in a hole or on something and twisting your ankle. No worrying about someone coming up behind you on a bike or having to pass anyone. You can maintain a consistent speed which I have found to be much harder when running outside. You can track your speed and distance easily.

I’m sure that, should I ever want to train for a race, it would behoove me to train outside or on a track. From what I can figure, and I have done zero research on the matter, there is a something lacking in treadmill running. When you run outside, you have to use your legs to push yourself forward. When running on a treadmill, you really just keep your legs moving while the belt moves for you. There’s no real force to keep your body moving in the forward motion. Like I said, I’m not expert on the subject but this is what I think about when I’m on the treadmill needing something to keep my mind off the monotony of running.

The main purpose of my exercise endeavor is to try to have a healthy body.   My doctor once said that the only fountain of youth out there is exercise and I buy into that school of thought. I wouldn’t mind toning up and losing 7-8 lbs either. Though, I do know enough about exercise to know that three days per week probably isn’t going to cut it if I want to lose weight. It will help me maintain my weight, but not lose it necessarily. And given that I only have 7-8 lbs to lose, it may take a lot more work to lose than if I had 100 lbs to lose. I don’t own a scale so I couldn’t really tell you if I’ve lost weight or not. I did notice that my pants are a little bit looser, but it may be a fluke too. (I don’t want to jinx it.) I would like to work up to getting exercise 5 days a week since we are planning another trip to Cabo San Lucas in about six months. So I have six months to get in shape. =)

So far, I’m enjoying my workouts. I usually have a Friday-Saturday break making my Sunday a great running day. My legs are well rested and I am eager to get back at it. (I find my calves to be my biggest obstacle – always tight and always burning.) Usually the second day, Tuesday, is the roughest. I’m tired from work, my body isn’t as rested and I am just dreading hauling my butt to the treadmill. By Thursday, my third day, I feel accomplished that I made it through another week. I am pretty proud that I’ve kept up the pace and kept going. I hope, again, that I’m not jinxing myself.

Way. Too. Busy.

2010-08-13T11:01:00.000-04:00

The past several months have been extremely busy. I don't mean to complain about being busy. That is not my intention. I make it a point not to complain because I moved last year, in part, to have a life. Or more of a life, anyway. But it just isn't my personal life that is busy. Work has been so crazy busy for several months now that I barely have a chance to catch my breath or to look ahead at what is to come because I'm still looking back at the whirlwind of the last several months.

Everything remains overloaded. My work email has 129 unread emails, my personal email teeters on 200 unread emails and my Google Reader is lingering around 920 unread items. I try to keep up, but end up sending brief, cold responses out to co-workers and friends instead of carefully communicated or caring messages. I have missed important dates like the birthday's of my best friend's kids and baby showers. I'm tired and cranky. And I haven't had a chance to enjoy the summer at all. Although, summer is always a busy time with the overtime that I try to put in. This summer feels as though it's come and it's going fast and I haven't had time to sit outside and take in the fresh air, listen to the birds sing, marvel over the beautiful green trees and grass, or go for a boat ride on the lake. I miss my family, I miss my friends and I miss just being able to sit and enjoy the quiet.

Things with My Friend and his personal issues keep us very busy too. If it's not one thing, it's another with his situation. And you never know when it's going to strike. Just when you think things have calmed down, you realize that that was just the calm before the storm.

I'm hoping that as the overtime comes to an end, things will slow down. Then again, I've been thinking that things will slow down for months now and they just keep picking up.

Home Invasion

2010-08-10T17:37:00.001-04:00

First thing I usually do when I get home from work every day is change into something comfortable. So Thursday evening was no different. When I got home, I headed straight for my bedroom to change my clothes. As I was taking off my necklace, I noticed that my little decorative bowl that I keep change in looked like it was missing a lot of change. Instantly, I accused My Friend because he is always teasing me for saving pennies (along with everything else) as his change jar only contains silver coins. He keeps telling me that he is going to take my nickels, dimes and quarters and leave me just the pennies. Although, I thought it was odd that, if he was going to take my silver coins, why would he leave some and only take a few. But who else was there to accuse?

For a little while, we bantered back and forth about the whole thing. I kept saying that I felt like I was imagining things because who would come in and take anything. We were pretty sure that the folks who work on the property wouldn’t risk it because they would be cutting a great tie by losing their job there and they are all good, honest people. My Friend kept asking if I wanted him to go say something to the landlord, who just happens to be his dad. I hemmed and hawed about it some because I really didn’t want someone to unnecessarily be accused of something. Ultimately, we decided to let the landlord know which turned out to be a good move.

Apparently, one of the guys who works on the property had spotted a young man earlier in the afternoon walking down the driveway at which point the young fellow was told that he was on private property and was instructed to leave immediately. The young man had indicated that he was leaving but that he had just run away from home.

At this point, it was decided that the landlord would call the police just in case the guy decides to return at some point. Meanwhile, My Friend and I are in our apartment hashing out more oddities that were previously dismissed. For instance, when My Friend got home from work, he found a cup with Kool-Aid in it and Kool-Aid splatters all over the kitchen counter and floor. He assumed that it was messy me (granted, I’m messy, but not that messy) and cleaned up the spills and went about his business.

As we stood there in the kitchen discussing this, My Friend opens the refrigerator to find an empty pitcher with just a splash of Kool-Aid in the bottom. He’s like, “I thought you did this too.” Nope. Apparently, the kid who entered our home did that too. Not only did he take half of my change from my bowl (which had coins from my trip to England), but he drank the Kool-Aid out of a cup that I had used the day before, put the empty pitcher back in the refrigerator, spilled it all over, rummaged through the freezer taking a full bag of Taquitos and placing frozen hotdogs from the freezer in the refrigerator (which we joked about saying he planned on coming back later), rummaged through our pantry cupboard and took food from there and stuck his hands in bags of things and ate from them too.

Ugh! It was so nerve wracking. Of course, there has been great discussion about locking the doors now. At first, when we moved in, I was bothered by the fact that we couldn’t lock the doors (the landlord doesn’t have a key and has never locked the doors), but I let it go. Until now. The landlord insists that we still don’t need to lock the doors as the police office indicated that the kid who invaded our home (and another single ladies' home that same day) was a foster kid from down the road who was about 18 with a 3rd grade mentality and is “harmless”. This kid is said to not be able to have sodium because too much causes him to have heart attack-like symptoms. Since he is not allowed to have certain foods, he goes into other people’s homes and eats whatever he wants.

Regardless of this kid’s harmlessness, he still invaded my home and went through my things. All of which is nerve-wracking for any person. You feel so out of control and debilitated because there is nothing you can do. What is done is done and what is gone is gone. For someone who is co-dependent and depends on controlling certain aspects of their own life (even though there has been lots of therapy to learn to let go of some things, there are still things that drive me crazy when out of my control), this has been a very traumatic event no matter how minimal the damage.

Small, small world

2010-07-28T11:32:00.000-04:00

Monday night, I arrived home from work and noticed a familiar looking baby blue Ford pickup in my driveway with what appeared to be either a power trowel or rototiller in the bed. I pulled up, parked my car and veered out my window thinking to myself, No way! There's just no way. I quickly made my way inside trying to remain incognito.

Once inside, My Friend asked me what the matter was. I promptly asked him who that truck belongs to. He said he didn’t know the man’s name, only that he was very drunk and the man was with someone (Jim) who works on the property that we live on. Jim has permission to use the boat on the lake that is essentially in our front yard and, so, Jim and this man were out fishing. I immediately started with the questions: Does the man have a scraggly beard? Is he really skinny? Is he wearing a baseball cap? A t-shirt with a front pocket? Yep, yep, yep and yep. And has teeth are a bit funky. That’s it. The baby blue with a trowel in the back was a dead giveaway. I knew it, though I didn’t want to know it. Right there before my eyes, fishing in my front yard was the Boy Left Behind’s uncle.

So, I hid. For like two hours. Not because I don’t like Uncle G, but because once Uncle G knows where I live, then so does half of the county left behind as well as the Boy Left Behind. And, just because, I don’t want anyone to know that.

Gee Willikers

2010-07-23T10:57:00.002-04:00

Well gee willikers! It sure has been a while since I’ve written anything. I was afraid that might happen. I’m not a writer. I don’t even like to write. Putting coherent sentences together for other people to read and make sense of is a lot of work for me. When it comes to putting a lot of work into something, you can guarantee that I will be looking for something easier to do. That said, I’m still going to try to give this blogging thing a go. Even if it’s only to keep a few friends in the distant regions up-to-date on what is happening in life. As if it’s that interesting… Ha!

So what’s been happening? Well, I went to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico back in March (omg…I just wrote May and had to look at my calendar to make sure that was right and it so wasn’t. It’s been a long time.) I had a great time. I went with two other ladies that I barely knew then. There was a wee bit of drama, but I had a great time despite that.

Having fun dancing at Cabo Wabo!

More Cabo Wabo fun!

Dancing at El Squid Roe (every place has a pole to dance on there).

Cabo Wabo

Parasailing

Um, Cabo Wabo =)

Mexican Chickens

View from the room

Whale watching

Since returning from Mexico, I had really been struggling with the whole Boy Left Behind issue as I said a while back. I ended that post, I think, with the idea that I was dealing with it ok and moving forward. That was a lie. At the time, I may have been trying to convince myself that it was the truth, but it wasn’t. Truth be told, I actually had sent BLB a text while I was in Mexico. It wasn’t anything that I kicked myself for afterward. I said something like, “I’m in mexico and we girls were out on the town and I saw a couple tonight that reminded me of you and I when we were younger. The good old days. Just know I don’t expect you to respond. Just sayin. I hope you are doing well.” I won’t lie. I was intoxicated, but I also knew what I was doing. And it was the truth.

BLB is a great dancer and I used to love to dance with him. It was one my major attractions to him. The problem was, he loved to dance with all the women. At any rate, when we girls were out that night, I saw a young couple whose chemistry was very apparent as they danced together and held each other all night long. That was BLB and I back in our younger days. Oddly, or so I thought, BLB text me right back saying “Maybe you should warn them =).” The joke between us has always been that we are each in love with someone we will never be happy with or without. So that’s what I text back, “You’re funny. Warn them of what? Falling in love with someone they will never be happy with or without?” His reponse, “ Either/or!” And that was the end of the conversation.

For a really, really long time after returning from Mexico, I struggled with thoughts of him. I can’t even recall what my thoughts were now, but I was driving myself crazy. Add that to everything else that has been going on like, when I returned from Mexico, my step-mom had been moved over to my office due to structural reorganizing. I’ve been playing catch-up, or so it seems, at work since then as well. In April, I had the LASIK surgery. In May, I started picking up a few side jobs here and there and then started working voluntary overtime at work in June. During June, My Friend and I went to Cedar point with some of his family. I attended a bachelorette party in May then the wedding in June. That same weekend, I was supposed to attend another wedding and a baby shower, but, at this point, anxiety was really becoming prevalent and beginning dictate my life. I saw my doctor, but she wanted to wait to see if it got any better…which added to my anxiety. So, during the busiest and hardest months I’ve had in quite some time, I drudged forward. I was also faced with a tough decision about whether or not to move (I’ve already moved once a year for the past four years and this was not an easy decision for other reasons). I, then, had to pack, move, paint, clean, unpack and organize. Meanwhile, I was physically ill for about two weeks. Right as I was starting to feel settled in our new place, My Friend and I began house/dog/cat sitting for someone else. Let me just tell you, these creatures are nocturnal. They play cat and mouse (or dog and cat) all night long. I am a light sleeper. Can you imagine how the two do not go well together?

Whew! Gee willikers. I am exhausted! Maybe soon things will slow up a little and I can spend some more time writing about stuff. Maybe…

LASIK is a Piece of Cake

2010-04-20T12:43:00.001-04:00

That's right people. You heard me. LASIK is a piece of cake! The whole thing went down like this...

A few days prior to surgery, I received a call reminding me of my appointment. She confirmed my arrival time of 7:15 and surgery time of 8:30. She then reminded me to wear absolutely no perfume or anything with a strong, heavy scent as it interferes with the laser.

Friday morning, the day of the surgery, I was up and showering by 5:15 am (Freaking early, I know!). My ride (mom and her bf) picked me up at 6:15 and we headed out for our 45 minute drive to the doctor's office. We arrived a few minutes early and waited in the car. As soon as we went inside, however, they were ready and immediately started processing paperwork. I had to sign a few consent forms and HIPPA forms and I was on my way. The nurse took me back and looked at my eyes with two more devices. She explained everything she was doing in detail and how the information she was gathering will help them program the laser to make the most accurate adjustments to my vision. I believe one a corneal topographer which measures the curvature of the eye and creates a colorful kind of "map" of the cornea. There was also a wavefront analysis machine that sends light waves through the eye to provide an even more precise map of aberrations affecting the vision. All of that was easy stuff.

The nurse then took me to fill out more paperwork and make payment arrangements. Something I didn't know until recently is that they have special financing programs for healthcare related procedures. The doctor that I went thru uses the CareCredit program. They can set you up on any kind of plan from 0% interest for twelve months up to 13.9% interest for 60 months. I think this is great because it is usually the cost of the procedure that is a major player in whether or not people decide to have it done. Not that I am a big proponent of credit in general, mind you. I just think this is a great procedure and, since insurance still finds it optional and won't cover the cost, financing options makes it a viable option for people.

Anyway, we got all that set up and this nurse then took me back to a lovely lady who prepped me for surgery. She explained everything that was going to happen in regard to medication and eye drops. She also went over medication, eye drops and protecting my eyes after surgery. I was given a valium to keep me calm and then a series of eye drops that included numbing drops, an antibiotic drop, and a few other drops that I'm not sure about.

We then went into a room that looked just like any other eye exam room. The nurse made a name tag for me and stuck it on me shirt upside-down. She put a little surgical hat thingy over my hair with cotton pads near my ears for collecting excess drops that would run down my cheeks during the procedure and she place surgical coverings over my shoes as well. Then, we sat and waited for a short while.

Me & mom (she looks thrilled, no?)

As I was checking out my upside-down name tag and repeating my name over and over, the doctor came in, gave my eyes a quick look, cracked a few jokes (which I thought were pretty darn funny given the fact that the valium had kicked in), and we were on our way.

The room that the surgery was performed in was quite cold. By the time I walked over to the table that you lay on, I was shivering. The nice assistants helped me climb onto the table, lay down and then offered me a blanket (thank heavens). Things proceeded quite quickly from there. They immediately started putting more numbing drops in my eyes. From this point on, I really unaware of what exactly was happening. The doctor and his assistants were very cheerful people. They talk you through everything without giving you too much detail. They even cheer you on and tell you what a great job you are doing. Your job is to lay still on that table and stay focused on the blinking light (orange in my case, but I've heard other say red). They also tell you to keep both eyes open which I found difficult to know if I was doing or not because one eye is being held open with lid holder/retainer type object and the other eye was covered with a dark object. It wasn't until I got home and watched the video of the procedure (yes, I did watch it and I wouldn't recommend it if you are squeamish and/or considering having it done until afterward) that I was able to put two and two together and make sense of everything that had taken place.

First they put this plastic looking ring thing on your eye to hold it steady while the flap is made. I felt some pressure on the eye which would normally have made me panic, but the doctor talked me through it and I reasoned in my head that the pressure isn't going to cause my eye to explode or anything because the doctor is here telling me that this is what is going to happen and it should be happening. Everything goes black for a few seconds. I believe at this point, I was placed under the machine that actually creates the flap. After the flap is made, the ring thing is removed and the procedure is repeated with the other eye. All the while, the doctor and his assistants are talking me through every single step.

After the flap is made on the eye, it is then lifted. At the time, I didn't realize that this is what was happening. The doctor tells you to focus on the light. While he’s lifting the flap with a metal instrument, the assistant kept telling me to keep focused on the light and not to let him take it away. This was a bit difficult in my mind because while he’s lifting the flap, he’s tugging on the eye causing it to move which makes it hard to keep the light in sight. Once the flap is lifted, everything becomes really blurry.

The next part of the process is the laser. It makes some clicking sounds and the assistant calls out how long it will take. 19 seconds…15 seconds….hold on, you’re doing great…13 seconds, 9 seconds…3 seconds…done…great job! My understanding is, the laser detects and follows slight movements that you might make and will pause and readjust if necessary. After the laser finishes, the doctor puts what he called glue (a liquid of some sort) over the cornea and then smoothes the flap back down with a sponge like object. And one eye is complete.

The second eye was just the same. I was a little more anxious during the flap lifting process of the second eye. I think because I was unaware of what was actually taking place and really worried about focusing on the light. Once the doctor lifted the flap, he said that he needed me to settle before proceeding. I immediately was able to do just that and everything proceeded smoothly from there.

I would say the whole procedure lasted less than 20 minutes total for both eyes. The video (which, unfortunately, has a piece cut out in the beginning) lasted all of 11 minutes, 55 seconds. It was painless and the doctor and his assistants made it that much better.

After the procedure, the doctor gave my eyes one last look to make sure there were no foreign objects in my eyes and that the flaps were properly replaced. They made sure I had all of my instructions and eye drops and placed some goggles and sunglasses on me and sent us on our way.

I felt great after the procedure. I was actually able to see right away. My sight was blurry, almost as if someone had smeared Vaseline on my glasses or something, but otherwise, I could actually see a good distance in front of me. On the ride home, I rested my eyes. We stopped for breakfast and I kept my eyes closed for the majority of that time. My eyes were sensitive to the light and a bit scratchy as if I had worn my contacts for a long 15 hour day and taken them out and my eyes were dry.

When I got home, I took the second valium that the doctor’s office had given me, made up a bed on the couch and slept for a good 5-6 hours which is recommended. Keeping your eyes closed as much as possible helps them heal. For my waking hours, it was prescribed one drop of Pred Forte and rewetting drops each hour and one drop of the antibiotic four times a day. By 6 o’clock, I was awake and watching tv from the couch with no problem.

It is amazing! I am still amazed. I would highly recommend discussing LASIK with your eye doctor if you are sick and tired of wearing contacts and/or glasses. The procedure was so easy and the doctor and his staff were absolutely wonderful. I can’t express enough how their attitude and caring demeanor made this experience that much better. I would recommend Rosenbaum Eye & Laser Center one hundred times over to anyone as the staff there truly played a huge part in making this such an easy and amazing experience.

**It may be good to note that this is my experience and my experience only. The details may not be wholly accurate, but are the account from my perspect and from my research on the procedure itself.

Stay tuned for more on the Post-Op appointment.

Let There Be Sight

2010-04-14T13:21:00.001-04:00

I have worn glasses since the 4th grade when my teacher expressed concern because I was having trouble seeing the chalkboard. In 7th grade, all of my friends started getting contacts so I jumped on the bandwagon and begged and pleaded with my mom to let me do the same. For 17 years, I have been placing little plastic hemispheres on my eyeball each and every morning. Though contacts are much more convenient than wearing glasses, they are still a pain.

Contact wearers are always having to haul a contact case and solution and glasses with them on vacation. Being extremely careful when swimming not to open their eyes under water or get splashed in the eyes. I often take an extra pair of contacts with me just in case I lose one, drop one or one falls out. I never felt comfortable going out and making a last minute decision to stay at someone else's house because I didn't like sleeping in my contacts. Taking a nap or even closing my eyes for fifteen minutes was always inconvenient because I would wake up with my contacts glued to my eyes. Getting an eyelash or fleck of mascara in my eye always seemed to be the most painful thing ever. And it always seemed to happen when I didn't have any solution or drops available.

All of these issues will be a thing of the past come Friday. After weeks of consideration and bugging my eye doctor and his staff with a million and one questions, I took a huge leap and made an appointment to have LASIK corrective surgery. Because we are talking about my eyeballs and my sight here (omg!), I decided to go with the most precise (and most expensive) procedure with the least amount of room for error possible - Intralase. And it is soooooo going to be worth it!

I am very excited and very, very nervous. I mean, we are talking about one of the most precious senses our body has. Hence the reason it took me three weeks and a half dozen stops at my eye doctor's office to make the decision. Now, the day is nearly here!

I have already started preparing for surgery. Monday was my pre-op where they dilated my eyes (pic above) and, again, performed another eye exam. I was given a prescription for antibiotic drops for my eyes - one drop every four hours for three days. I was also given a packet full of information (some of the information seemed a little late...like three pages explaining what LASIK and Intralase are). Included in the packet are instructions to prepare for surgery and what to do post-op. I was a bit surprised by some of the instructions.

If you wear anything with a scent or have cigarette smoke in your clothes, your surgery may be cancelled since this hinders the operation of the laser. No scented hairspray, gels, mousses, after-shave cologne, lotions or perfumes. My-oh-my!
No smoking the day of surgery, before or after the procedure. Um, yeah, no problems there.
No eye make-up for 2 days before your surgery. OUCH! Hello. This one hurts. But it's worth it.
No face make-up of any kind the day of surgery. This I can handle.
Do not wear any facial jewelry. No problem.
Avoid caffeine or alcohol at least 24 hours before your surgery. Yeah, this one really hurts too. Because, you know, I LOVE Mountain Dew. But I'll survive.
Wear comfortable, casual clothing. The laser room is kept cool. No problem. Casual clothing is my favorite kind!
Drink plenty of water the day before and the day of your procedure. Eat a light meal before your appointment. Well, considering the no caffeine rule, I think the water thing is a given. Check!
You may not drive yourself home. Please make arrangements for transportation home. Check! Thanks mom and grumpy! Since they give you valium, I didn't figure I'd be driving. Duh.

The make-up thing really hurts. My instructions also say no eye make-up for two weeks after surgery. That is going to suck too! Eye make-up is the most essential part of my make-up routine. But, it's going to be worth it. Totally. Other than that, goggles are required for sleeping. That should be interesting. No exercise for a week. No swimming, hot tubs, sauna or tanning for two weeks. And no rubbing for four weeks. Piece of cake. I hope.

The countdown has begun. Less than 48 hours until my LASIK appointment. The anxiety hasn't quite yet begun, but it will surely keep me up the night before surgery. Though I am nervous, I am also excited about the prospect of being able to see. To see when I wake up in the morning, to see the alarm clock, to see my legs when I'm trying to shave in the shower, to see more than just an outline of My Friend's face at night, to see without having to stick my finger in my eye every morning. The outlook is very positive. I can't wait to explore the sights with my new eyes very soon! Stay tuned...

Going it Alone

2010-04-12T13:23:00.002-04:00

For the most part, I have become used to going it alone. Growing up, I was always alone. After my parents divorced, my mom spent a lot of time in the bars and with her boyfriend(s) trying to, I assume, repudiate her feelings of despair. I didn’t have many friends and the parents of the friends that I did have were vastly aware of my mother’s absence in our home. Because of this, many of my friends were not allowed to come to my home.

Later on, into high school, friends became fewer and fewer. Having my social network disrupted so many times by moving, caused a great deal of insecurity and lack of trust within me. In high school, I had one real friend that I trusted with nearly every bit of information about me. The rest of my classmates were acquaintances, if that. It probably didn’t help that, by 10th grade, I had moved again. Only this time, I was being forced to live with my dad. I was not allowed to go places or stay the night or have friends over. I can’t say that this helped me make friends. All this to say, I went through high school feeling very alone.

In the last few months of high school, I became reacquainted with the Boy Left Behind (we had dated once before when he was 16 and I 13…my dad did not care for that much). I clung to him for the next several years. I unknowingly and insalubriously clung to him as my only support. I unintentionally expected him to be my boyfriend, my best friend and confident, my father, my caregiver, my replacement for lost self-esteem, my happiness, and my reason for living. Wow! What a load to bear. He was my world because, otherwise, I had nothing. And God knows I didn’t want to go back to having nothing.

The Boy Left Behind and I had an on again, off again relationship for the next thirteen years following high school. Looking back, it was most dysfunctional. I brought my dysfunction and he brought his. At the time, I did not know that my relationship was not healthy. I had no concept of what a healthy relationship was. As I began to learn, however, our relationship began to deteriorate rapidly. Then, in June of last year, I made my final departure from the relationship. I moved away and I ceased all contact.

Since June, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. Not because I am heartbroken over ending the relationship. Not because I have lingering feelings of doubt or regret. My emotions are tied to the fact that we have ended things before only to later bump into each other and begin again. The cycle has repeated itself so many times that I feared it would happen again. Though my mind tells me that I am a different person this time, that I am a stronger person emotionally, that my head understands what my heart cannot and, this time, my head rules. Even though I am a stronger, more emotionally mature person, I still feared the possibility of weakness and desperation.

Over my Christmas/Holiday break in December, I had a severe breakdown. I cried for days after accidentally discovering a picture of him and his new girlfriend (who bears an uncanny resemblance to me) on Facebook. I had to do a double take because I swore it was me sitting on his lap. But it wasn’t. Why knowing with absolutely certainty that he was moving on was so hard for me, I’m not sure. It isn’t like it was unexpected. He was never one to be alone. If anything, I expected him to be bouncing around between several women. But there it was in front of me on my computer screen and I was home alone with no one to reach out to and share my panic, fear, anger, jealousy, and irrational thoughts with.

I later noticed, after suffering through this turmoil alone, that I had really matured emotionally. As embarrassing as it is to admit, in the past, I would have started plotting ways to weasel my way back into his life. I didn’t want him wanting or loving someone else. I wanted to be his one and only love for all of eternity. This time, however, I didn’t want that. I knew in my head that my life was better where it was at. I knew that I was with someone who was, is and has been there for me in so many more ways than the Boy Left Behind ever could be. I knew that I did not want to get tangled up in that crazy, dysfunctional web that continues to surround him and his life ever again. And maybe it was in this process that I prepared myself for what was to come next.

In the thirteen plus years that I dated the Boy Left Behind, I always felt a strong desire to get married and have a family. And HE was always the person that I wanted to marry and have a family with. Coming from a family of divorce and rough and rocky parental relationships, however, I didn’t want to get married and have babies just to do it. I wanted to be sure that we would both work towards making the marriage one that was loving, supportive, and would last through thick and thin. I wanted to be certain, above anything else, that we would both be parents who made the effort to put our children first and to be there for and support them. In those thirteen years, I was never convinced that he would be that kind of husband or father. Because of this, I was ever-so-careful in my family planning methodology.

When my phone rang last Monday, it was my best girl friend and I presumed she was calling just to see how my trip to Mexico went. We chatted about all of that and how things were going with her and then she says to me, “There is something I want to tell you. I don’t want you to be caught off guard by someone else.” She knew of my breakdown during Christmas and she, too, has been through this with the same family so we have always had each other’s back in this regard. I instantly knew what she was going to say. Boy Left Behind and his girlfriend are going to have a baby…

I can only assume that the ordeal I had gone through over Christmas is what prepared me for this moment. I wasn’t shocked. I had actually predicted it. Without going into extreme detail into the dynamics of how BLB works, I can say that I saw it coming a mile away. I have been dealing with it quite well, surprisingly. The knowledge of the fact that the man that I wanted to share my life and family with is having a family with someone else has not left my brain yet (though, I wish it would) and I spend more time worrying about whether or not it will suddenly hit me and I’ll have another emotional lapse. I was extremely anxious over the weekend when My Friend was at work. I had nowhere to go, nothing to do and no friends to hang out with. I fear being alone. Alone with my thoughts and my feelings. I fear the takeover of irrational thinking. But this is, yet, another things I must go it alone.

Going it alone is just a part of life. It’s something, I presume, we all must do from time to time. Though many folks go through the same ordeal, it’s hard as a person on the outside to recall the feelings from the past to offer understanding to the person in the present. I am sure, too, that my friends are tired of hearing about it. Years of my self-inflicted suffering that they listened to most likely wanting to shake some sense into me and say, “Just do it already. Get over it.” I find it difficult myself to be compassionate towards others who are in predicaments that, with slightly different choices, they wouldn’t be in. I also cannot depend on my friends to be my sole emotional support. It is something that I have learned through counseling that, though others can be there for me, I cannot expect them to bear the full burden of my weight and theirs too. They all have families, lives and their own burdens to bear. Friends can offer me support, but I cannot expect them to bear the burden. Something I did long ago.

I am still going it alone. I am still struggling with the idea that the irrational side of my mind will catch up with me. But one thing I know for certain, now, is that I no longer have to worry about desperation taking over and me attempting to get him back nor would I ever give in to his attempts. Not now. Not after this. That knowledge is a bit of a relief to me. I have feared for ten months an accidental run in with him. How would react? How would I feel? I often slink into the Town Left Behind trying to go unnoticed because everyone there knows the two of us, together and apart. Now, I feel free. Free from those chains. Free to live my life without caution or concern.

I do not want to sound ungrateful to my friends and family who have helped me through the toughest times in my life. I am ever-so-grateful for everyone in my life who has listened to me, offered support, advice, hugs, phone calls, and straight-up rescues. So many people have been there for me in so many ways. I could never repay them for saving my sanity and sticking by me for so long. I know now, though, that sometimes I just have to go it alone.

Another quizzle

2010-03-17T10:10:00.003-04:00

I don't put much stock in the millions upon millions of little quizzes that saturate the internet. Occasionally, though, it’s fun to indulge in a little something besides the everyday grind.

It amazes me how accurate these things seem to be sometimes. So try it out for yourself. Have a little hump day fun!

(Click on image to enlarge)

Keeping up with the Joneses

2010-03-12T11:49:00.002-05:00

I am ashamed to admit that I have found myself inflicted with the "Keeping up with the Joneses" syndrome. The prospect of vacationing with someone whose means are much more abundant than that of my own has caused me to feel inferior. It is with great disappointment and sadness that I admit this.

In preparing for my vacation, I have found myself purchasing hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise. I'm not quite sure how much just yet. I am afraid to look and know for sure. I have found myself putting some of my purchases on my credit card just in case I need the cash in my bank account for my actual vacation.

This is NOT how I operate!

Usually, I give myself an allotted amount of spending money. And, because I know myself all too well, I will put a little more in a side account for extras. But I always have the cash to go and I always give myself a budget. ALWAYS!

With this vacation, however, there are so many unknown factors. I have no idea what we will be doing while we are there. There are a lot of possibilities. Many activities range from $50-$200. I have no idea what the weather will be like. Hot during the day, very cool at night is my understanding. But how do you know for sure how to prepare for that. One person's hot isn't necessarily another person's hot. One person's chilly may not be my chilly. And though I am sure that the person that I am vacationing with is mindful that my means and the third persons' means are a bit limited, it still causes this bit of angst inside me. I also have no idea what it will cost to eat while I am there. I don't know if it will be possible for us to purchase any groceries. I have no idea how much it will cost us to get around. There are just so many uncertainties and I do not bode well with uncertainty. I have a tendency to try to be prepared for all of the possibilities and what ifs.

Back to my uncontrollable spending. What the...??? What is my problem!?!?!?!? I convinced myself that I needed these things. And a few things would have been ok. I have outgrown my summer clothes. Many of which I haven't worn in a year or two because most of my summer is spent working overtime. But I have practically gone out and bought a new summer wardrobe. Three and a half new bathing suits (one was a gift), summer dresses (one was also a gift), a cropped cardi, two pair of pajama bottoms, tops, shorts, pants that roll up to capris, a new toiletry bag, two new travel bags that are easy on the shoulders, new sandals, two new hoodies for the chilly evenings, and one of those pillow things for the airplane. I think I have gone completely bonkers! I am definitely having buyers remorse. Look at all this:

This is out of control.

So, the best I can do now is tell myself NO MORE!

I still cannot believe that I let this consume me. Thoughts of I can't wear the same two bathing suits while I'm there for seven days because I'm sure the Joneses will have 100+ for sure. (And she does have 100 or so suits.) Or, I can't wear the same single pair of pajama pants the whole time I am there. What will they think? Or, What if we walk around a lot and do a lot of shopping, I will need a comfortable bag and comfortable new shoes because the ones I have just aren't good enough. They'll look at me like I have two heads.

I can't believe I allowed myself to think this way. I suppose it can go back to the self-esteem issues that my counselor constantly tried to address. And the idea that I need to be accepted by everyone. This just isn't so. I am who I am. I like who I am and I need to remind myself that people like me for who I am too. Quite a few people do, actually. I know this and need to accept this. Believe it with all that I am.

No more keeping up with the Joneses. That's not who I am!

The Traveler's Ultimate Dilemma

2010-02-16T16:19:00.001-05:00

I honestly don’t feel that I have traveled a lot in my lifetime. I love to go to new places and experience new things. Even though I have not traveled a lot, I have been to a few noteworthy places (and some less noteworthy locations).

Baltimore, Maryland: ’92 Olympic Trials spectator - Gymnastics
England & Scotland: Cross Cultural Trip in 2002
Washington DC: Twice - once as an eighth grader and once for work
New York, New York: To visit the Financial District for my Bachelor’s degree
Chicago, Illinois: On a whim with an ex
Orlando, Florida: Visiting with friends though I didn’t go to Disney
Lakeland, West Palm Beach, Tampa, Jacksonville, Orange Park, and Naples all in Florida: To visit friends
The Bahamas: On a cruise
Atlanta, Georgia: To visit my niece
El Paso, Texas: To visit my ex at Fort Bliss before he deployed
Ohio, West Virginia, Virginia, Tennessee, Kentucky, and Indiana: On a road trip
Different cities in Ohio and Indiana: I count these on a smaller scale because it’s still the tri-state area
Niagra Falls: I’m not sure which side, however, because I was so little (probably 3 or 4)

All this to say that, soon, I will be embarking on another excursion and the same quandary still occurs as with most all of these other trips: The Bag. The non-touristy, hip, chic, carry-all bag that doesn’t hurt my shoulder to carry around for hours yet serves my multitude of purposes bag. The traveler’s ultimate dilemma.

Over the years, I have employed several different bags, but most of them were to just get the job done. And most of the bags I have purchased were cheap. I mean, the reality of the situation is that I am a frugal individual and have always been on a pretty tight budget.

After trekking through all terrains in England and Scotland for a couple of weeks, my shoulders were so sore and tired. Even after a short shopping spree, my shoulder and back are generally sore and achy from my purse alone. So I really would like to find a versatile bag with multi-functionality.

But where to begin?

Well, lucky for me my friend Shannon had already conducted a search of her own with a plethora of suggestions from her readers (which outnumber my readers by far). So I perused her archives and found a suggestion by one of her readers that I fell in love with, the MEC Right Hand Pod Sling Pack. I figure this will be a good bag for those days where we go shopping. It can hold my identification items, money, camera, and a hoodie just in case. And, since I was there, I ordered the MEC Flux Sling Pack as well for trips to the beach and my carry-on. I may not need both for this trip, but I think they will both be useful in the long run. A sound investment, I say.

My birthday and The Snot Factory

2010-02-12T15:14:00.000-05:00

My birthday was last week. Wednesday, February 3rd, I turned 31.

I don’t expect much from my birthday’s anymore. To go through the day and have someone acknowledge it is more than I could ask for. I received a number of emails and phone calls wishing me happy birthday and I love that. My Friend pulled together a nice birthday basket for me full of treats that I love.

My office peeps decorated my desk which is always hilarious.

Otherwise, my birthday was pretty tame because, well, I was sick. Very sick.

The Snot Factory decided to open shop on me. I visited one of my best girlfriends on Saturday. She thinks her son might have been the carrier of the little bug. Sunday, I felt very sluggish and really tired. Just not quite myself, but really thought I was just tired. I didn’t have a clue as to what was in store. By Monday, I felt like a big pile of dog doody. I left work early and stayed home Tuesday. Wednesday, I forced myself out of bed, still feeling like crap, and headed out to work. I felt a bit of obligation to go as I knew my officemates would have a delightful treat for my birthday celebration and they did. Finally, Thursday evening, I felt a bit of a break in the crud. By Saturday night, though, I was feeling pretty yucky again. Here it is, another week later, and I am still blowing my nose and I sound congested even though I feel much better in comparison to the last two weeks.

I hope this is the end of the Snot Factory. I know a number of folks have had the crud turn into bronchitis and I don’t need that. For the next 5-6 weeks, I am steering clear of everyone and becoming an extreme germaphobe. I wouldn’t want to ruin my next Great Vacation!

Higgledy-Piggledy, Take III

2010-01-27T17:46:00.000-05:00

It sure seems like work is crazier than ever. And it also seems like I keep saying that over and over. But it is! And when I am done with work, I am just…done. I have exactly 100 unread emails in my personal inbox. I have 295 unread items in my Google Reader. And, now that I think of it, I may have even forgot to pay my bills. Oh $#@%! I guess I should go check that!

*****

Speaking of work, some crazy changes are about to take place within the next month. It’s going to be rough. I am trying to go forward with a good attitude and trust in my colleagues and my boss. I am praying that everything will work out just fine. Only time will tell. I really wish I could share more. Believe me, I do. The more I talk about something that is bothering me, usually, the better I feel. But I do not feel this is the appropriate place to discuss such matters. I will say, however, that my work schedule will change a smidge. This Night Owl will have to become much more of an early bird than ever before. Ever! (Well, except when I work in road construction, but that was a fairly mindless job.) That is a daunting concept for me, but I have to do it.

*****

In other news, people have been coming out of the woodwork on Facebook. I mean, holy bajeebers. In the last two weeks, I have had several people from high school befriend me. It’s weird. Most of them I haven’t spoken to since graduation (um, nearly thirteen years ago…omg!). A couple people I have seen, maybe, once or twice. To say the least, high school was my least favorite time in life. Hence the reason I have never sought anyone out. But, people grow up and change so it might be fun to reconnect.

*****

This past Friday, I had the pleasure of meeting up with a group of ladies from work for dinner and drinks. This, for me, was a giant step forward. Part of the town-left-behind excursion was to be able to make new friends and actually be able to hang out with them by being closer in proximity. We shared a few good laughs and great conversation. It was nice to finally be able to interact with a group of individuals who are intelligent, sophisticated, and share a number of the same interests. Now, don’t misunderstand. I have a number of individual friends (many who live far, far away though) who have all these same qualities. I have always been ok with one on one communication and relationships. When you add more to the mix, I get uncomfortable. Part of codependency includes difficulty in making friends and some severe distrust issues. Even with friends one on one, I still have some serious issues. So, I think, this was a big step forward for me.

*****

My nasty rash is also back. Or, never really went away. I was finally able to schedule another doctor’s appointment for tomorrow. It has taken me all week to schedule an appointment. Most of the time I forget to do it, then, when I remember, the office phone hours are over. Alas, I was finally able to make an appointment. Hopefully, my doctor will be able to determine what is really going on so it will go away for good!

*****

I have been pondering something very serious lately. Hehe. Very serious. Ahem, ok, it really isn’t a laughing matter. My Friend and I were having a discussion about forever. As in, being together forever type thing. A while back, a number of folks on Facebook answered a quiz to see how well they know me. One question asked, “What am I scared of?” One of the false answers was commitment. To my surprise, a number of people actually picked this for their answer and that bothered me a great deal. I never viewed myself as being afraid of commitment. I’ve always wanted a fully committed relationship. However, as My Friend and I discussed this forever thing, it came back to me. My counselor was always saying that I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And after my last decade of failed relationships, I am not sure I ever care to be married again. So, in essence, that makes me afraid of commitment, doesn’t it?

This brings me to another thought. I have always wondered how people know that they have met The One. You know, the one person that they know they are going to spend the rest of their entire life with. I have had many people say that you just know. Being the skeptic that I am, I fear I will never just know. So I wonder, for those of you out that that have met The One, how did you know? Because I am still waiting for the inevitable (in my mind) shoe to drop.

Tax Time

2010-01-12T12:01:00.001-05:00

Photo courtesy Howdy, I'm H. Michael Karshis

It’s that time of year again. TAX TIME! Honestly, I don’t know why I get all excited about tax time. I really don’t get much of a refund from the Feds and what I do get usually goes to the State of Michigan. I guess it is the number crunching accountant in me that loves tax time. That is the only thing I really miss out on not being in public accounting – taxes! I love doing tax returns. Anymore, though, I’m not qualified. So I live vicariously through one of my BFFs and she would probably tell me that it’s no picnic.

Anyway, since I can’t do anyone else’s tax return, I am going to do my best to arm you with the ability to do it yourself. Do it yourself! You can! It isn’t hard, I promise! If your tax returns are fairly simple, meaning you had one or two jobs, you are single, you are married and each had one job, maybe a child, own a home or rent, possibly have a few charitable deductions, you can totally do you own taxes online. AND you might even qualify to do them for FREE. Let me repeat that…FOR FREE. Eff. Are. Eee. Eee!

First of all, check your state’s treasury website. Usually they list online tax programs and the requirements for each program to file for free. The State of Michigan lists programs that allow you to file just the State return for free, just the Federal return for free, and programs that allow you to file both for free. I have had to use two programs to be able to file each return for free, but, it is so worth it to save the ungodly amount of money that those tax places charge.

As a general rule, there are income limitations. And some programs are shotty. I have a tendency to try a few of them to see if I get similar results. Most programs allow you to input all of your information, see the result, and pay only when you actually submit the return to the IRS or the State. And, of course, if you don’t happen to qualify for a free program, there are a number of great programs to choose from and compare prices. Most of them are cheaper than paying big bucks to have someone else do them for you.

Without further ado, here are a few resources for you to check out. I hope you will give it a try and let me know how it turned out for you.

Free File State of Michigan

Low priced online tax preparation for State of Michigan and Federal

The IRS doesn’t have their choice of programs up yet, but they are telling you to check back January 15.

It's a New Year

2010-01-03T11:31:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year everyone! Wow! Can you believe that it's 2010 already? Seems like just yesterday everyone was preparing for Y2K. Well, here's to hoping that the new year brings new adventures and a lot of joy and happiness to all!

I cannot believe a full two weeks have passed and tomorrow I go back to work. It is going to be an adjustment. It's amazing what two weeks can do to your sleep schedule, eating schedule...overall schedule. I tried my best not to overdo the late nights (hello Night Owl) and I tried not to sleep in too much because I know the affect on my workweek schedule could be detrimental. This first week back will tell how much damage has been done for sure.

So, I brought in the new year with a nasty rash. First thing New Year's day, I was at the walk-in clinic waiting to see the doctor to tell me what in the world was on my skin. Of course, no real determination can be made of what caused it since he claims it is an allergic reaction. It could be a reaction to anything. We talked about soap, laundry soap, fabric softener, new clothes, etc. It could be anything or any number of things. He gave me a prescription for Allegra (Thanks, but I have Benadryl and Zyrtec at home. I could have saved myself a trip and the cost of the prescription.) and sent me on my way. Meanwhile, two days later, I still look like this:

And I have more spots showing up on my back now. So...it's off to the Express Care this time. Well see if a different doc gives a different verdict. Until then...

One week down

2009-12-29T12:47:00.003-05:00

I mentioned previously that I had two weeks off for the holiday season. One full week plus down and less than a full week to go. The past week has been hell. H. E. L. L. And not only because of the aforementioned Christmas marathon, but because my brain went into overdrive and started coming up with stupid thoughts about the relationship I left behind nearly seven and a half months ago.

I was perusing the interwebs out of boredom and happened upon a girl's facebook page that I know. This particular girl dates a friend of the ex-boyfriend. Instead of avoiding the page like the plague (I have done my best not to put myself in situations that would tempt me to seek out information about the ex), I clicked on over and was checking out her pictures. Instead of finding pics of her and her boyfriend that I assumed would be there, I found a pic of the ex with his new girlfriend who just happens to be the girl's younger sister. UGH!

I was so not prepared for this discovery. An onslaught of emotions overtook me. I was jealous. I was angry. I was hurt. I was desperate. I tried reaching out to a friend for comfort, but friends have their own lives and thus was unavailable to be sucked into mine. So here I was, home alone, left to deal with this on my own. That has never been a good thing because, like I said, I became desperate. I cried. I cried all day. I sobbed. I sobbed some more. I cried myself to sleep.

This was the eve of Christmas Eve and so it was imperative that I be presentable the next day for the beginning of the Christmas marathon. I tried to hold back my tears but, even at the suggestion that something might be wrong, I broke down for no apparent reason. On Christmas Eve, I awoke with puffy eyes. I used make-up to try to mask it and I did my best to shove my emotions aside and get through, but I still cried a couple of times.

I pushed on through the next few days even though with every moment of silence came thoughts of him. I began to believe that I was missing him. I would draft letters in my head of apologies. I wondered what would happen if I text him. I thought about calling. I came across a note he left right before I moved and we broke up. It says, "If you get lonely or bored at your new place, just remember that I am thinking of you so you are not really alone. I love you always." And another that said, "I miss you already". I started wondering if he really was missing me.

This is the point where, in the past, I would act out of desperation and do some of those things. I would text him, I would call him, I would accidentally on purpose cross paths with him. But this time, my head is control and I know I can't.

One of my best girlfriends had called me the day that I began having this breakdown and reminded me that it's ok to feel this way. I want him to be happy in life, but I don't. I want him to find someone to make him happy, but I don't. I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to have him. She reminded me that it's ok to feel this way and it will eventually fade in time. Lots and lots of time. She also reminded me that, in the twelve years that we dated (on and off again constantly), he had never changed. He wasn't going to change. We don't even really believe that he's capable of changing. His lifestyle and my lifestyle did not mesh. At all. He is super social, he likes to sit around with the guys daily and drink beer and tell the same stories fifty times over, he is ok with and wants someone to live at home with his parents with him, he is carefree and lives spontaneously. I CANNOT do any of that. I am not social. I hate sitting around and making small talk and telling stories. I am very independent and I like to make plans and keep them and be able to depend on my partner for that too. And it isn't fair for either of us to ask the other to change the way they are for the other person.

I have to keep telling myself that I did this for him too. I know he couldn't have been happy either. He was comfortable and content having me in his life, but he couldn't have been truly happy. We hardly spent any time together (which could have been fine with him as he liked to be with the boys). I hate his hobbies, he hated mine. I told him that he needed to find someone who actually enjoyed doing the things that he liked to do because I didn't. And even when I tried to show interest in the things he enjoyed, he still wouldn't include me. I tried every which way I could think of.

Suffice it to say, for the first time ever, my brain is winning over my emotions. And I'm sure all of my family and friends who have encouraged me to make the break and repeatedly told me, as patiently and kindly as they could, that this relationship wasn't the right thing for me and I deserved so much more in life, will be happy to hear that. Though I am still troubled with thoughts and holding back tears now and then, I know that I need to stay on the path that I am on.

I wonder how it is that I can be so distraught over this right now and yet my life is so calm and peaceful right now. That is something I have been striving for. Maybe it is old tendencies taking over. As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) or a co-dependent, I have a tendency to recreate the chaos of the life I knew growing up. Is it possible that I am inadvertently creating this emotional turmoil in my life because my life is so calm?

All I can figure right now, is that I want to push through the rest of this week so I don't have time to just sit around and think. Getting back to work will give me something to focus on. I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of being sad and worrying about other people and if what I have done to them is somehow detrimental to their emotional well-being. I am ready to keep moving forward.

Higgledy-Piggledy, Take II

2009-12-22T11:48:00.001-05:00

Ah, 'tis the week of Christmas and what a crazy week it is. Currently, I'm sitting at home in my pj's...still (it's nearly 11 am), thinking of all that needs to be done during my two week hiatus from work. Two weeks off sounds like a great thing (and I did it to myself by tacking on three days to make it a full two weeks), but it is a time where bad habits will build up making going back to work the biggest drag ever! Two weeks is also overwhelming to me. I, for the life of me, cannot figure out why I get so overwhelmed by the simplest things, but I do. So much to do and so much time, yet very little will likely get done.

The biggest project is my computer room. It's piled with boxes. Boxes of heaven knows what. Computer stuff, reading books, old school books that I should have returned but thought I'd use some day (um...yeah), CDs, important paperwork, clothes, blankets, stored Christmas decor, pictures, baby stuff (my baby book and the like), trophies and medals, etc. What to do with all this stuff, I have no idea. Do I throw it out? I don't know. I do know that I need to figure out what to keep, how to store it and make space because this also needs to be my work out room. Oh yeah! My mom gave me an early Christmas present - a treadmill. I'm so excited! I've asked for one for about three years now. It's used, but it works great.

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Christmas is going to be crazy this year. Six Christmas gatherings in four days. Imagine. All the driving and socializing. I'm going to need two days to recuperate. Being an introvert makes all these gatherings, even with my own family, stressful. When I was a kid, I used to get so worked up about it that I would spend the day laying on my grandma's bed with a tummy ache from all the anxiety. It's not that bad anymore, but it still makes me anxious.

Christmas has also been very expensive this year. In an attempt to get organized, I contacted my dad's side of the family about two weeks before Thanksgiving to see how we were going to handle Christmas this year. This side of the family seems to have a tough time getting together, always putting it off and sometimes we don't have our gathering until January or later. This year, however, my niece will only be home for a short time so, in order to have us all there, I thought we should try to organize early. Well, I got some hemming and hawing from a few folks and never received a real answer. So, I dropped it. I figured if these adults can't decide or give me an answer, I am not going to worry myself over it. Then, of course, a week and a half before Christmas, it becomes an issue. Now, suddenly, we are scrambling for a date and four people are tacked onto my Christmas shopping list. Now, I'm up to fifteen people. I am one person buying for fifteen people and I don't even have a husband or children. Ugh...how does this happen?

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I have felt so disorganized this year. Usually, I make a list of folks I have to buy for along with ideas for each and then decide where I can get these items, plan my route and go. I mean, I HATE shopping. I hate the rude people, screaming children who don't want to be there either, standing elbow to elbow in an aisle not big enough for one cart let alone eight, I get hot which makes me more cranky, waiting in long lines and noticing that not all the lanes are even open which makes me wonder who the heck is in charge. I just hate all of it even when it's not Christmas. So I try to do as few trips as possible and grab and go quickly. Not this year. I haven't been able to decide on what to get people. I've taken My Friend with me a few times and, well, I prefer to shop alone mostly. It's just been crazy. I think, yesterday, I finally got everything, but I'm afraid to go check for sure because I don't want to have to go shopping again. Ugh.

****************************************************

On a totally different topic...
When I moved to the new town, I was leaving things behind. An old boyfriend in particular. I didn't dwell on in much. It had been coming for some time. It wasn't the first time we had broken up, but I am determined that it will be the last. As much as I love and care about him, I also know that we weren't meant to be. He was not capable of having the kind of relationship that I wanted or needed and I was not capable of having the relationship he wanted or needed. My mind still knows this and I pray that he can find someone who can have that relationship. There isn't a chance in hell that I ever want to go back to that. Still, sometimes I miss the special little things.

I miss the way he looked at me with so much feeling in his eyes and told me so softly that I was so pretty. I miss how, regardless of what we were fighting over, he would come to me, he would come first to make up, make me laugh, make it all better. I miss the way he'd hug me. Meaningfully and for a long time if I needed it. I miss watching Animal Planet or Discovery Channel and having him explain to me all about wild life and living in the wild, far beyond the explanations of either of those shows. He is so smart in that way. If the world were to go to hell today, he'd be the person you'd want to hide with. He could out-survive the toughest in places far beyond the imagination.

What I don't know is why seven months later these things have come to mind.

More about being Green (the color)

2009-12-09T09:00:00.002-05:00

Resource: PositivielyMary.com

True Communication with True Colors
GREEN COMMUNICATION
Greens for the most part, communicate for the purpose of gaining or sharing information. During a conversation, their attention is usually focused on the matter at hand, not on the relationship.
o Logical and Objective
o Includes Facts and Information
o Big Picture, Conceptual
o Questioning, Critiquing
o Wry Sense of Humor

TIPS FOR COMMUNICATING WITH GREENS
o Allow Them Time to Ponder
o Skip the "small talk"
o Avoid Redundancy
o Give Big Picture or Point first, then fill in details if asked
o Don't misinterpret their need for info as interrogation

Time Management Styles Can Show Your True Colors
GREENS
o View time in an objective orderly way
o See the whole picture as well as the individual parts.
o Are good at creating strategies for completing individual tasks according to priority
o Want to make decisions based on facts; need time to review all the information

IN MANAGING THEIR TIME, GREENS BIGGEST STRESSORS ARE:
o Wasting time with idle chit-chat
o Deciding without enough information
o Having to rush to produce something to meet another's timeline
o Being forced to spend time on something that does not make sense to them

Showing Our True Colors Over Time
GREENS
Smile.
This may sound like strange advice at first, but it works. Greens have a tendency to get so involved in their work or task at hand that they can forget their surroundings. A smile opens up lines of communication and creates rapport, which will save you time accomplishing your goal if it involves others.

Put off procrastination.
Pay attention to how much time you are spending researching information to make the perfect decision or take the precise action. Go for it! You may want to argue the point, but you do not have to be totally competent in everything you do.

Find diplomatic ways to prevent others from infringing on your time.
Set up a system for letting others politely know when it is ok to approach you and when you need your time.

Since it often takes about three weeks to break a habit, give yourself at least that long to adapt a more effective pattern. Choose one time management habit you would like to change and decide now to change it!

True Colors Healthy Holiday Help

Avoid Packing on the Pounds by Showing Your True Colors
GREEN: Diet Thinkers
The Diet Thinker values knowledge and accomplishment. She is a life-long learner who strives to understand the world. The Diet Thinker needs comprehension and information to realize and maintain her weight-loss and fitness goals.

A problem often faced by the Diet Thinker is that her great analytical ability means she can find the information she wants to find, anywhere…including the information needed for the perfect excuse! For example, she will justify eating large quantities of potato chips at holiday party because the potassium content of the chips is higher than that of a banana. The solution? Instead of using obscure, extreme-logic as an excuse for not-so-healthy indulgences, she should do what she does best—seek knowledge and understanding from a variety of reliable sources. Then, once she sees that good health is the real goal, she will have an easier time making decisions about her health based on useful facts.

Color me Green

2009-12-08T15:44:00.003-05:00

My office recently participated in a retreat, of sorts. In an attempt to learn to better communicate with each other and utilize our strengths, we took part in a True Colors seminar. This is the second time I have taken part in the True Colors evaluation. The first time, I came out as Blue. This time, Green as shown below. It's amazing to see how we change and evolve as people.

Color Lingo Communication Quiz

GREEN

The GREEN Approach –
OBJECTIVE & STRATEGIC

When communicating, Greens tend to think before they speak. They like to analyze what they have just heard, explore the many ways they could respond and choose the reply that most accurately and pertinently expresses their thoughts on the matter. Their goal is to obtain information so they can figure out, fix, improve, or invent something as a result.

To learn more about the GREEN communication style go to:

http://www.tinyurl.com/GreenStyle

Have fun!

Fun quizzes, surveys & blog quizzes by

I lied

2009-12-02T10:24:00.002-05:00

Photo courtesy Century 21

I said that I was not participating in Black Friday shopping madness. But...I lied. I didn't intentionally lie. I had not planned on shopping at all. I just happened to be online Friday morning making lunch plans with a friend and discovered two items at JCPenney that I just had to get because they were so dang cheap.

One was a cooks Non-stick Electric Griddle for My Friend. You see, My Friend is a cook in a restaurant so he is used to cooking on a big, flat grill. When he cooks at my place, using a frying pan is completely foreign to him. We talked about getting one of these griddles at WalMart when we were out shopping one day, but decided not to spend the money right then. When I saw the griddle in the Penney's ad for $12.88 (with $10.00 mail-in rebate), I couldn't pass it up. Even if it's a piece of crap that doesn't work, it's only $12.88 out the window.

I also picked up the cooks 5-in-1 Power Blender w/attachment. It's a knock off of the Magic Bullet that is all over tv. I'm not one to buy into infomercial products*, but I've always wanted one of these. It, too, was only $12.88 (with $10.00 mail-in rebate) and couldn't be passed up.

What can I say? I'm a sucker.

I didn't spend any time looking around the store, however. I went it, checked the lines to see if they were too long, grabbed what I wanted, hopped in line, and got out of there. It wasn't bad although there was a little girl who had lost her family (or vice versa) and I felt so bad for her. She was crying and so sad. It broke my heart.

I have to add that my Friday experience was not nearly as bad as my excursion to Target on Saturday. Crazy! I wasn't even there to do holiday shopping. I only went in because I am trying to unpack more boxes (that I've ignored for months) and organize my computer room and I needed some storage bins/organizing thingies. What a zoo! I didn't stand in line too long, but the aisle ways were overly crowded and there were crying, tantrum-having children everywhere. Never again.

*Ok, ok. I promise to stop fibbing. I've been wanting one of those GT Express 101 thing-a-majiggers too.

Understanding myself

2009-12-01T16:29:00.006-05:00

Near the holidays, I tend to struggle with old behaviors. Right now, I’m feeling the Holiday Blues. Usually around Christmas, something goes really, really wrong and I spend an entire day crying. This year, it happened right before Thanksgiving and, though I did not spend an entire day crying and vowed to not let it get me down, I am still feeling a bit blue. I am anxious about how this will affect the Christmas holiday and how it will affect relationships with other members of my family. In an attempt to try to understand and resolve my sadness, I am revisiting some of the characteristics I learned about in counseling.

What: Common Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA)
Source: PsychPage
Highlights: Items that describe me
**My own assertions relating to the topic.**

Introduction
Adult children of alcoholics appear to have characteristics in common as a result of being raised in an alcoholic home. Review the characteristics listed. If you identify with these characteristics then seek appropriate sources of support to understand and resolve them. You will find many self-help books on this subject. Additionally, there is Adult Children of Alcoholics 12-Step self-help community meeting, individual therapy, and group therapy facilitated by a therapist.

Common Characteristics

• Isolation, fear of people, and fear of authority figures.

• Difficulty with identity issues related to seeking constantly the approval of others.

• Frightened by angry people and personal criticism.

• Have become an alcoholic yourself, married one, or both. **(Dated one or two or three.)** A variation would be the attraction to another compulsive personality such as a workaholic. The similarity is that neither is emotionally available to deal with overwhelming and unhealthy dependency needs.

• Perpetually being the victim and seeing the world from the perspective of a victim. **I may do this, though I am unaware of it. I have tried to conscious of this in an attempt to not do it.**

• An overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Concerned about the needs of others to the degree of neglecting your own wants and needs. This is a protective behavior for avoiding a good look at yourself and taking responsibility to identify and resolve your own personal difficulties. **Though I have attempted to be cognizant of this behavior in an attempt to correct it, sometimes it just comes so naturally.**

• Feelings of guilt associated with standing up for your rights. It is easier to give into the demands of others.

• An addiction to excitement. Feeling a need to be on the edge, and risk-taking behaviors. **Awareness of this behavior was a huge discovery for me. I believe I have since corrected it. My counselor said that once I experienced calm, I will never want to go back to crazy. I think she's right. I avoid crazy like the plague.**

• A tendency to confuse feelings of love and pity. Attracted to people that you can rescue and take care of. **Many, many relationships in my life have been based on how I can take care of someone else and rescue them from themselves. I hope that this is an area that has improved a little bit in my life. Sometimes, though, I need someone on the outside looking in for affirmation.**

• Avoidance of feelings related to traumatic childhood experiences. Unable to feel or express feelings because it is frightening and/or painful and overwhelming. Denial of feelings. **At this point, I barely remember my childhood (which I understand is common for ACOA as well). The parts I do remember, I cannot associate any sort of feeling with. On occasion, when something happens that is similar or resembles a traumatic event from my childhood, I experience overwhelming feelings that relate to that childhood event. I often cannot identify what the feeling is though.**

• Low self-esteem. A tendency to judge yourself harshly and be perfectionistic and self-critical. **This I do not tend to see myself. Even when I feel that I have been feeling my best (or the best I can remember feeling), my counselor would often say that certain behaviors are related to low self-esteem.**

• Strong dependency needs and terrified of abandonment. Will do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the fear and pain of abandonment. **Yep! As much as I'd like to say that I have overcome this, I have not.**

• Alcoholism is a family disease which often results in a family member taking on the characteristics of the disease even if they are not alcoholics (para-alcoholics). Dysfunctional relationships, denial, fearful, avoidance of feelings, poor coping, poor problem solving, afraid that others will find out what you are really like, etc.

• Tendency to react to things that happen versus taking control and not being victim to the behavior of others or situations created by others. **I am a huge reactor. I think I have worked on this some.**

• A chameleon. A tendency to be what others want you to be instead of being yourself. A lack of honesty with yourself and others. **I try, but conforming has been so a huge part of my life. I have made some progress in this area, but occasionally catch myself accommodate, adjusting or harmonizing.**

Looking at this list is a bit scary. I would like to think I have made more progress, but I fear that I have not made as much progress as I had hoped.

Shopping Black Friday...or not

2009-11-24T13:09:00.001-05:00

Black Friday is rapidly approaching and people will be waking up before they would normally, some may not even go to bed, in order to hit the shopping hot spots and claim the best deal on the item they are in search of. Me, on the other hand, I refuse to partake in such an event. I absolutely refuse to:

a) get up that stinking early
b) get up that early just to go shopping (I hate shopping)
c) fight hoards of rude people
d) be tortured by screaming children
e) put a huge amount of effort into tracking down a terrific deal only to find the shelf barren upon arrival
f) stand in horrific lines (and lines for everything)
g) chase my tail in a parking lot
h) get run over by a mob of insane people
i) watch as people hurt other people over THINGS (!!!)
j) participate in ramped spending on things I don’t need.

But really, there are tons of people are there who are braving the crowds. I say, you go for it. Me, I’ll stick with Cyber Monday. I spend less money (fewer “present to me” temptations) and I can maintain my sanity at the same time.

If you are a Black Friday shopper, here are two of the sites I like best for getting the scoop on the ads:
http://blackfriday.gottadeal.com/

https://www.thanksgivingblackfridayads.com/

If you prefer Cyber Monday, check this out:
http://www.cybermonday.com/

Happy shopping!

Crushed, but thankful

2009-11-18T13:48:00.001-05:00

I am ever so thankful for the friends who have become my long-standing family in lieu of my own family. I am thankful that I have come to love my mother unconditionally regardless of her condition fostered by a dependency on alcohol. I am thankful for my dad despite the distance between us. I am thankful for the counselor who revealed to me that my parents did the best that they knew how so that I no longer begrudge either of them.

I have come a long way with my life and, though it is not perfect, each step is better than before. No one can understand the trials that I have overcome to get here. And no one is going to make me feel bad about the place that I am at. I am who I am. Like it or leave it.

A first

2009-11-16T14:04:00.001-05:00

On Saturday, I attended my first Red Wings game ever! Sadly, this was one of the items on my Bucket List of sorts. I really never thought that I would be able to go. A big thank you to My Friend for affording me this awesome opportunity.

I love hockey. I don’t fully understand all of the rules nor do I understand all of the positions. I do get the gist of the game and, of course, I love watching the fights. Barbaric as it may sound, I like fights. Even though there was but one fight in this game, we did get to see a hat trick. (Oooo…look at my hockey lingo.) Zetterberg scored three goals in the third period for his fourth career hat trick bringing the Wings to a 7-4 victory over Anaheim. WOOT! We also witnessed Nicklas Lidstrom being recognized for reaching 1,000 career points. Awesome!

I had a great time! I am so blessed to have these little adventures.

Going to the Wings game

My Friend (His first appearance here. Kind of like Wilson from Home Improvement.)

Game shots

After a goal, the players on the ice skate by the bench and there are fives all around.

Hairdo ditty

2009-11-11T17:25:00.006-05:00

I went to The Town Left Behind to get my hair done yesterday. Nothing major. Just some color. I easily tire of the color once it starts to fade. I curse it for weeks before finally giving in and heading back to my stylist one more time.

My before:

The in-between:

And, the after:

I was really wanting my stylist to cut my bangs differently, but she was having no part of it. She didn't seem to think I need more bangs cut to replicate those of Ashley Olsen, but I beg to differ. What do you think?

Photo courtesy InStyle

Meh, I will either just go back to her or go to someone else who will cut them like I want them. I suppose the current bangs will have to grow out some, but they could be masked by newer, longer fringe.

So far, though, I like the new color. I just wonder how long it will last. I'm hoping through the holiday season at least.

Happenings

2009-11-04T16:02:00.008-05:00

Wow! This last month has been ker-raiz-zee! Crazy! Not so much at home or in my personal life, but work has been nuts! But that’s really not what I want to talk about. Moving on…

Recently My Friend talked me into painting the apartment. I have tossed the idea around several times. I, however, am the kind of person who likes to do as little work as possible. The idea of painting now and then having to repaint when I move out sounds like a lot of freaking work to me. So, as much as I like the idea of painting, actually following through with it was never in the plan. Or my plan anyway. My Friend had other ideas.

Over the weekend, we hit Home Depot and started checking out paint. I picked out a couple of colors that I like, they mixed us up some samples and we took them home to try them out. I really liked the one color so My Friend and I agreed that we would start painting Sunday. I was in charge of painting the wall while he painted the shelves that he made for my unused closet (boy is he ever handy!).

Sunday I had a little bit of shopping to do so I ran out to Wally World and then hit Big Lots for some cheap curtains and a rod for my bedroom because the outside light shines in at night. When I returned home, to my surprise, My Friend had painted the whole wall already! I was so excited. I had to stop and stare at it for a little while.

The next task, of course, is to add some kind of decorative gobbledy-gook which I am so not good at. So I started looking at pictures of stuff and I came across this (which is a staged apartment at my complex, believe it or not) and loved it:

I perused the furniture stores online looking for two little ottomans like that, but couldn't find them. I did find a bench that I liked at Art Van so My Friend and I headed there last night to take a look at it in person.

My Friend and I went in the store and asked the sales lady if we could look at this bench. She pulled it up on her little computer and said there weren't any on the showroom floor but that we could buy it, have them pull it from the warehouse, assemble it and, if we didn't like it, we could return it for a refund. This was a lot for me to take in. I am not accustom to spending large amounts of money, or what I consider large (anything over $50!). So, while My Friend and I contemplated this, we decided to look at the tables that we had cased once before.

And then we decided on this one and walked out with a table instead of a bench.

Someone want to explain to me how that works? LOL

Anyway, I am uber excited about all the painting and decorating and furnishing. It's a little scary, but it is wonderful to have someone in my life who wants to do that too. THAT is exciting!

Am I just being lazy?

2009-10-09T12:49:00.009-04:00

Phot courtesy emagnus

Because My Friend has connections everywhere (ev-er-ry-where!), an awesome opportunity presented itself last night. My Friend has a friend (The Trainer) who is an ex-bodybuilder and is retired and who, now, spends time training others. My Friend took it upon himself to stop and talk to The Trainer about me telling him that I have been weighing my options in regard to some kind of physical fitness activities. The Trainer then kindly offered his services three days a week for $20 per week.

$20 per week people! Do you know how stinking cheap that is? For your own personal trainer!!! And he essentially offered to come to me. To bring his person to my person and kick my butt for $20 per week!

I am hesitant. Why? Two reasons.

Reason #1) $20 per week doesn't seem like much until you say $80 per month. Did I mention that overtime is, well, over? I am already back on a stringent budget. However, My Friend offered to pay for this. Why? Because he feels he owes me.

Reason #2) In part, I feel like I am just being lazy. Paying someone to help me do something that I know full well I can do myself. I have gotten out there before and ran all summer long. That is where it usually stops though. I go for a summer and become a couch potato through the winter and spring.

I don't know what to do. Do I go for it? Am I just being lazy by not getting out there and doing it myself? Didn't Dr. Phil say, "Sometimes action has to come before motivation?" What do you think?

The Night Owl Backslide

2009-10-07T17:51:00.011-04:00

Photo courtesy belgianchocolate

I am in every way a night owl. I love to stay up late. I feel most energetic when I should be going to bed. If I could stay up all night and sleep all day, I would be so much more productive.

Living in a day-timers world makes it really difficult to truly be my night owl self. We night owls must adapt to the early bird schedule being forced to work those 8-5 jobs. And what I have discovered is that, no matter how hard I try to change my habits, I am still whole-heartedly, 100% a night owl.

For the last three months, I have been forced to be an early bird. Getting out of bed between 5:00 am - 5:30 am five (sometimes six) days a week. I thought I was doing fairly well, too. I felt good. I forced myself into bed most nights by 10:00. On the rare occasion that I stayed up later, I suffered the next morning. I survived though. After a while, getting up didn't seem so bad. I thought that maybe, just maybe I was actually breaking old habits and adapting a new schedule. I was ever-so-hopeful that my inner clock was resetting itself. I honestly thought I had a huge breakthrough.

But no. Nope. Not at all. Since the overtime ceased, so has my early mornings and my timeliness. (Have I mentioned that I am never on time either?) I still maintain my 10 o'clock bedtime and can now sleep until 7:00 am and I am having a harder time getting out of bed now than I was having when I was getting up BEFORE the butt crack of dawn. So what is the deal? Am I getting too much sleep?

I thought maybe I was just in a bit of a hormonal slump that would pass in a week or so. But my motivation has yet to return. I take my time crawling out of bed. I dawdle in the mornings. I find anything else there is to do besides getting in the shower. I procrastinate doing my hair. I will throw in a load of laundry, start the dishwasher, make the bed. Anything besides get myself ready for the day. I. Just. Don't. Feel. Like. It. I don't feel like doing much of anything. Until, that is, it's really time to go to bed. Then, I lay there for an hour, eyes wide open, wishing I could fall asleep.

When will this cycle end? Or am I doomed forever and ever to be a night owl living in a day-timers world?

Higgledy-Piggledy, Take I

2009-09-30T17:50:00.005-04:00

My mind is all over the place today. I have a zillion miscellaneous things running through my brain and I really don’t know what to do with all of them. Fortunately, I have this space here in bloggy world where I can share and say whatever I want. So, without further ado, I give you my Higgledy-Piggledy bits.

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My mom got a car. For an ordinary person, this really isn’t a huge deal. For my mom, this is colossal! I believe I have mentioned before that my mom is an alcoholic. I know I don’t have to tell you that drinking + driving is not anywhere near the beginnings of a good equation.

My mom has not driven or owned a car for a few years now. She has already had a DUI and a reckless driving for leaving the scene of an accident (it was a drinking related accident that they couldn’t prove). The last time she really drove, she was in an accident with an older woman in the car and she claims that the car flipped all the way over and landed back on its wheels. I was not there so I cannot vouch for this, but this is what she says. She also claims she hadn’t been drinking.

To add to matters, my mom is a very anxious person. EVERYTHING makes her nervous. Even riding in a car with a very good, safe driver, my mom will grip the door handle, hold her belly, close her eyes, and grit her teeth.

If I am honest, I will admit to being upset about someone (her boyfriend of sorts) buying her a car. Not only is it a danger for my mother and to my mother to be behind the wheel, it is a danger to other drivers on the road. I don’t care how much she promises to not drive after drinking, we all are aware of how drinking impairs judgment. It only takes ONE time!

Regrettably, there is nothing I can do. She is an adult with a valid driver’s license. As sad as this may sound, I have begun to wonder if I should explore life insurance policies. That is how much the idea of my mother driving scares me!

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I recently went to my doctor for my annual exam. This is a new family doctor for me and I really like her. I had intentions of seeing one of the other physicians in the office, but they were not accepting patients. It all turned out for the best though. She listens to me. She understands that I know my own body. When something isn’t right, I know and she listens. It also isn’t necessary for me to arrange an office visit every time I need something or have a problem. Sometimes I can call and she will write the prescription for me or she will return my call and discuss my issue with me over the phone. She calls and reports to me any test results as well. I really like her.

At my annual exam, she suggested I start eating yogurt and taking a B complex vitamin. Check and check! I immediately starting eating yogurt mixed with Fiber One cereal every morning. (I love Fiber One cereal! It might look like rabbit pellets, but it tastes good and it is even sweet. Plus, a whole day’s fiber in one cup!) My only issue is that she wants me to eat Activia. Activia, however, contains high fructose corn syrup which we are all increasingly aware is not good for our bodies. So, instead, I opted for Stonyfield Organic Yogurt. It has the same probiotic as the Activia. Sweet!

My only issues, now are…
1) I need to stop drinking so much Mountain Dew. (Did I mention high fructose corn syrup already? Yeah, I think so.) If you are unaware, I love MD. I do limit myself, but this is one habit I really need to kick to the curb.
2) Drink water. I have never been a big fan of water. It is tasteless and unpleasant for me to consume. I have had bouts in the past where I have drank considerable amounts of water, as I am supposed to, but they were always chug sessions. Chug it on my drive to work. Chug it on my drive home. Give me a limited time span and I’d chug. But to just sit around sipping water, I’ll pass!
3) Exercise! I really do like working out…once I get into it. It’s getting into it that seems to be my current road block. I will do really well for about a week and a half and then fall flat on my face. I know that I feel so much better in so many ways when I exercise. I benefit both mentally and physically. So what in the world is my problem??

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I have noticed, recently, that I have begun to put on a few pounds. Again. I went through this last year. I gained, roughly, ten pounds. I went up a pant size. I bought all new clothes to accommodate. I tried not to make too much of a fuss about it and be accepting. After all, at my age, I think it’s fairly natural for a woman to put on a few pounds. I also never really gained the freshman 15 that people talk about. I am naturally small framed so it isn’t like I ballooned up and am suddenly obese. However, I do not want to have to go through this process all over again. I am not going to buy all new clothes again to accommodate. I also know that regular exercise will help in this area and will be better for me because I really do sit on my keister all. day. long. For overall and long term health, I know I need to exercise. I really want to tell myself to JUST DO IT ALREADY!

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For the last three months solid, I have been working 5-10 hours of overtime every week. Overtime has, now, come to a bittersweet end. The sweet - I am glad it is over. No more working Saturdays, no more 7 am start times and no more eleven hour days. The bitter - it brings back the strain of very carefully watching my cash flow because there is no more overtime pay.

Now what? I have already started thinking about a second job. Hello JCPenney holiday helper? It’s a possibility. I have family in town who own a small bar. I could always ask for a waitressing job. I’m cute. (Not to be conceited or anything.) I could get some tips even if the service sucks. Which it would. Who am I kidding. I’m no waitress! Ugh.

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Somehow, last year, I received a call from the local Muscular Dystrophy Association to participate in their annual lockup fundraiser. That was fine. I did it. I raised about $600. They called again this year. They are sneaky little buggers. The caller ID lists a person’s name, not that they are calling from MDA. So, again, I am roped into attempting to raise money. (Because I can’t say no. It’s my own fault really.) Unfortunately, I am new to this area so raising money through people I know for this area is hard. Though a worthy cause, Muscular Dystrophy is not a cause that I am totally passionate about. I am trying to raise money this year, but it isn’t going so well.

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Watch for Higgledy-Piggledy, Take II coming soon!

Sweet Georgia Brown

2009-09-25T11:39:00.007-04:00

This past weekend, I made a quick trip to Georgia to visit my niece, Kelsey.

When I say a quick trip, I literally mean a quick trip. Because I had to be at work on Friday for our biannual professional development day, I was forced to take a later flight Friday night. I arrived in Atlanta, Georgia around 9:30 pm and we had a good hour plus drive to where she actually lives. (I’m told everything is within an hour of Atlanta.) Since we both worked that day (and poor Kels has been shoveling clay all week for a project at work), we both were completely wiped and ready for bed. I also tried to get a late afternoon flight home on Sunday in order to squeeze in as much time with Kelsey as possible, but even a 4:58 flight didn’t seem late enough with having to be to the airport early enough to make it through security and find my way to my gate. I was in Georgia for less than a mere 48 hours. It was totally worth it though.

Ever since I can remember, I have always wanted to be a good aunt. With my sister being 10 years older than me, though, it was kind of hard to be the aunt I wanted to be because I was still growing up when she started having children. Growing up, my life with consumed by the turmoil’s of a teenager with an alcoholic mother and a dad who I knew loved me but felt very distant because he had his own life with my stepmom. I did the best I could attending every birthday, Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner that I could, but it still never felt like it was enough. I’ve always yearned for a close-knit family and I tried to be as close with my sister and her family as I could, but it still never seemed to turn out the way I hoped.

I imagined having the kids over for sleepovers and watching movies and eating popcorn. I imagined being the cool aunt, the fun aunt. I hoped to be a friend they would call when they were in trouble or resisting their parent’s authority. Up until recently, I was so wrapped up in my own problems that I was never able to fully be a part of their lives as I had wanted to be. I never was any of those things that I wanted to be and have carried guilt and regret with me because of it for many years.

To worsen matters, a few years ago I was taken in by my sister and her family to help me through a rough time. It was then that I learned that Kelsey thought that I didn’t like her. I was floored because I loved her dearly, but if I am honest I can say that I know why she may have felt that way. At that time, Kels was becoming her own person. She was in her early teens and she was developing a strong personality. At that point in my life, and even now, I have a hard time dealing with strong personalities. She had strong opinions and was never afraid to voice those opinions and I was having a hard time communicating and relating to her at then. But it was never, never that I didn’t love or like her.

All this to tell you that this is one of the reasons I felt so compelled to make sure this trip happen. I felt , too, it would be important to show Kelsey that she is important. With this being the first time she has been away from her home for such a long time (she’s been there since January), it would show her that she is important to me and to her family by making the time to visit her and taking interest in where her life is going and what that entails. I also believe that it is important to encourage her and support her in the path she feels God is leading her to take.

Ever since Kelsey was a little girl, I have always felt in my heart that she would be a missionary, as did many others. She is, now, living the life of a missionary with very strong convictions regarding how she is to live her life. To watch her grow, develop, become a woman, and become an important voice and example for the Kingdom of God is indescribable. I admire her strength as a person and her passion for God and service to His Kingdom.

These are all things I wanted to tell her while I was there, but I could not muster the strength to do so. I hope she knows how much I love her, support her and admire her. She is a true blessing to my life.

So now that I have shared most of my reasons for visiting my niece in Georgia, I should share with you what my visit entailed.

Saturday morning, we woke up and Kelsey made breakfast. She doesn’t know this, but I hate to cook so I gladly sat back and let her make me breakfast. Eggs, bacon, coffee, and crescent rolls. Scrumdiddly! We got ourselves together and she took me for a tour of her the place where she works and showed me the additional project she took on. (She is planting flowers on a steep hill that is nothing but clay. She is brave, but a very hard worker.) From there we headed to Amicalola Falls State Park. Georgia has gotten a lot of rain recently and that day was no exception. We still decided to venture out into the wilderness of the park regardless of the rain.

We had a nice walk down the path and climbed the steps that took us to the top of Amicalola Falls.

The falls were beautiful.

From the top of the falls looking out and down.

After we came down from the Falls, we headed back to grab some dinner at the Lanier Diner.

They had the most scrumdiddlyumtious looking desserts! (We got some to go.)

After dinner, we stopped at the redbox (http://www.redbox.com/ ) at Wal-Mart (She is truly a frugal chic! She learned it from her mom. I love that about her.) to grab a movie and headed back to her place and settled in for the night.

On Sunday, we got ourselves around and I packed up my things. We loaded the car and headed out for some shopping at the biggest mall in Georgia. We had lunch when we got there because neither of us had had breakfast and we had arrived before the stores had opened. We then perused the mall for a few hours. At that point, it was time for me to head to the airport.

We had some good conversations over the weekend. I think we both learned a few things about each other. I am grateful to have her in my life. She is an inspiration to me. And I hope she knows, truly, how much I love and cherish her.

P.S. Sweet Georgia Brown really has nothing to do with this story. The song is nostalgic for me and it has the word Georgia in the title. That’s all.

CONGRATULATIONS Kevin Skinner

2009-09-17T10:35:00.004-04:00

I admit that I am not a huge fan of television these days. My Friend seems to have several shows that he watches regularly so, when he's there, we watch a bit of tv together. As such, I've seen the majority of the episodes of America's Got Talent this season. I am uber excited that Kevin Skinner won the hearts of America and was given such an awesome opportunity. Such a humble man who appeared to work hard to make an honest living. I pray that fame and fortunate doesn't change that. I was ecstatic that he won. I was pulling for him from the minute he opened his mouth at the audition.

My Friend doesn't understand when I say this but I feel Mr. Skinner is my kind of people. A small town, country boy who is doing the best he can with what he has been given. Coming from a small town where country is a way of life, I felt connected him. Not literally, of course. But a sense of joy came over me to see a country boy representing others like him in such a remarkable way. I only wish that people would stop referring to him as "the chicken catcher". They laugh and mock him and it pisses me off. It may not be a true profession to some and those unfamiliar with farming in general look down and such a job and scoff at it. It’s an honest living and, as cliché as it is, someone has to do it.

I digress…

Kevin Skinner –

CONGRATULATIONS! You deserve such a blessing in your life!

May you have all your heart desires and may you remain the humble man you started out as forever!

Flying...in a thunderstorm?

2009-09-16T17:58:00.005-04:00

As I sit here obsessively checking the forecast every hour for my getaway destination in hopes that the weather will change, I find that, not only is it supposed to rain, but there will be thunderstorms when I fly in and when I fly out. As if it isn't bad enough that I have severe motion sickness (or, at least, what I consider severe) that causes me to ask to sit towards the front of the plane in an attempt to avoid throwing up, now add lightening and turbulence to the mix. That's a great combination for crying children and a barf-fest.

Don't misunderstand. I LOVE thunderstorms. When I'm on the ground. Not flying at 35,000 feet in the air in a metal, winged rocket. Ok, ok. So supposedly planes are struck all the time by lightening and it is no big deal. It is perfectly ok to fly through a storm and it is done all the time. Some even say that the flashes of light disrupting the pilots view and the turbulence are more dangerous than the lightening striking the plane itself. However, turbulence equals barfing (see above).

I truly am not afraid of flying. I really just want everything to go as smoothly as possible. The older I get, the more easily motion causes me to feel woozy. (Don't ask me. I don't know what age has to do with it. Maybe it's just a weird coincidence.) I don't want to get off the plane and be worthless for the rest of the night because I am only there for a short time.

Ah, well, what can anyone really do? Take some Dramamine and hope for the best right?

Packing for a weekend getaway

2009-09-16T13:43:00.010-04:00

Photo courtesy Daytime Night Owl

As I mentioned previously, I am going on a trip. It is going to be a short excursion, a weekend trip, and I am really struggling with packing. I am the kind of person who always prepares for everything, including the most unexpected. My thoughts begin to run wild with all of the what if questions and I lose control and pack everything but the kitchen sink.

What if it gets cold?
What if we go out?
What if I need to dress up?
What if it is extremely hot and I only pack jeans?
What if I need tennis shoes and only take sandals?
What if I start to feel a cold coming on?
What if I get diarrhea?
What if I lose a contact?
What if my hair freaks out (you know, because I have curly hair and it has a mind of its own)?

The weather for my destination currently reads 77 and rain for all three days that I am going to be there. RAIN? Hello humidity! Seriously, do you know what that does to my hair? And that means, possibly, no outdoor activities but…

What if it stops raining and we can play outside?

If the forecast changes (which is always possible) and the rain moves on, that means I can wear sandals instead of closed shoes.

What if I only take closed shoes and the inclement weather subsides and my feet roast off?

See, there are so many what ifs running through my mind. I have to stop and remind myself that I will survive regardless of what I forget or don’t have on hand. I will be fine if I take less. I AM ONLY GOING TO BE GONE 2 DAYS! I fly in Friday night and fly out Sunday afternoon. How many possibilities can there really be and what I don’t have I can borrow or buy. Still, my anxiety intensifies.

As I started making my packing list (I am a list-maker, no doubt about it), I start to wonder why I it always seems like I take ten times more beauty and toiletry items than anything else. (Is this an indication of vanity?) Toiletry items usually take up more than half the space in my suitcase. Is that crazy or what? Look at my list thus far:

Toothbrush

Toothpaste

Contact solution

Contact case

Glasses

Soap (I always have to take my own soap because I have sensitive skin and a very sensitive nose.)

Razor

Shampoo

Conditioner (I always take my own because I have temperamental hair.)

Mousse

Hair ties (For my temperamental hair because you never know when it will freak out.)

Brush

Comb

Hairdryer (with special attachment for my curly hair)

Straightener

Hairspray

Face lotion

Makeup

Body lotion (I take my own small bottle because I have sensitive skin and it has to be unscented.)

For two days, I will be taking all this stuff! For a trip of any length, I haul all this stuff. This is one of my biggest reservations about going on any type of vacation or weekend getaway is having to lug so many things.

So what is a girl to do? Not care about what I look like and leave all the crap to home? How do I conquer my what ifs and vain ways? Does anyone else have this problem or am I completely off my rocker?

Bits O' Randomness

2009-09-11T13:35:00.004-04:00

I’m going on a trip! I’m uber excited. I am not going to tell you when or where (isn’t that mean?) but I’ll share some pics when return and tell you all about it. I am going to visit my niece. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to this.

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I need to exercise. I want to exercise. I want to be healthy. I want to be fit. I really wish I had a good motivator to work with. I don’t need anyone to tell me what I need to do, I just need someone to stay motivated with who will be as committed to me as I am to them. Oh motivational workout partner, where are you?

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I went to a new chiropractor yesterday. What a heavenly place. I feel so much better. My back was bothering me in so many places. My neck in two places – at the top and at the base. This was causing me to have headaches (which I never get) and pain in my right arm and hand. There was also a great deal of pressure between my shoulder blades. I was amazed that the chiropractor was able to adjust that spot. He used a technique that was new to me. I was completely wowed. My lower back was out of whack as well causing numbness in my right leg. Whew! What am mess I am.

The chiropractor reiterated something I had known for a long time. I have one leg that is longer than the other (or one that is shorter than the other, whichever you prefer). So he gave me heel lift to put in my shoe. I have had one of these once before and I know I still have it somewhere. I find the new heel lift to be quite annoying as it is nothing more than some hard rubber that does not fit well or stay put well in any of my shoes. The lift also elevates my foot inside the shoe so much that my shoe actually comes off while walking. What to do, what to do… I will say what I like about it is the relief from pressure in my lower back by making my hips even. Pressure that I didn’t realize was there until it was gone. So I want to continue to use the darn thing, I just need to find a way to keep it in my shoe and to keep my shoe on.

The chiropractor also addressed an issue that I am aware of, but I just haven’t wanted to pay attention to - shoes with lower heels. Ugh! Do you know how completely unfashionable loafer-like shoes are???? I have consciously made decisions about my heeled shoes with a lower heel in mind. This choice is primarily because I have had ACL replacement surgery in my left knee and I am aware of how bad heels are for your knees. So I have slyly tried to compromise by wearing fashionable shoes with lower heels. Truthfully, I know I am kidding myself. I know I am in denial. It’s just that…well…flats seem so unflattering on me. They are cute on other people, but I really like the way a pair of heels elongates the leg, makes me appear taller and makes me feel a little bit more feminine and sexy.

Anyway, after yesterday’s chiropractic adjustment, I went home and slept like a baby. I laid down across the bed around 7:30. I finally decided that I was tired and crawled into bed around 9:00 and slept until 5:30 this morning. I am feeling quite refreshed and I love it.

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Speaking of 5:30 in the morning, that is the time that I have risen at least four to five (and sometimes six) days a week since the beginning of July. I am truly becoming a Daytime Night Owl. Though I once cringed at and squawked about getting up before 7:00 am, if I now sleep past 6:00, I feel like I am wasting precious time. Now, don’t get me wrong, I still LOVE to sleep in on the weekends (does Sunday count as the weekend) and I LOVE to stay up late and I still come alive around 11:00 pm, but I have had to force myself into bed early. Early nights and early mornings – that’s my reality for now. I am sure once this extra work is over, I will return to a little bit later schedule. And, if I were perfectly honest, I would tell you that this hasn’t been a solo endeavor. I have only been successful at this because of the help of My Friend with early morning calls and early night bed times impressed upon me. And, for that, I am thankful because I know myself well enough to know that, even now, I don’t think I could force myself out of bed on the days where I am just plain exhausted.

Well, folks, that’s all of the randomness I have for now.

Divine

2009-09-03T11:25:00.013-04:00

Photo courtesy Farm Fresh

I received this note from my niece on August 12.

....thinking about you today....hope you are doing well?! i think this might be for you.....Isaiah 40:31 But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. LOVE YOU BUNCHES!!!!! :) You are so special to me!

Nearly a month later, this is still on my mind and on my heart.

Happy Dance

2009-08-31T09:50:00.010-04:00

Oh happy, happy, joy, joy! Guess what!?!?! Can you guess? Do you see the pictures below? Do you know what this means??

You can barely see it, but it's there. It is a moving truck. My crotchety neighbors have moved!

I really do not need to give you the gory details like how they were obnoxiously loud at 7:30 in the morning on Saturday or how there were about eight vehicles parking other people in or how their moving truck was parked across my garage so I could not back my car out - an infraction that I was guilty of when moving in, but politely moved when asked even though I got the evil eye and an uninviting stare. I do not need to tell you all this because does it really matter????!?!?!? NO! They are gone and the apartment below me will be vacant for a couple of weeks, at least. And, there is always hope that the new neighbors will be friendly and inviting.

All things listy-like

2009-08-27T17:31:00.021-04:00

Photo courtesy Daytime Night Owl
A just because picture to give you something to look at.

For the sake of my lack of creative mind, here are a few listy-like things that might tell you a little more about me.

I own these television series:

Charmed
Prison Break
Little House on the Prairie
Mork & Mindy
Alice

I covet these television series:

The Walton’s (At one time, I owned a few of these, but they were actually stolen from me.)
Punky Brewster
The Facts of Life
Silver Spoons
Knight Rider
The Smurfs
Bosom Buddies

Cartoons or television series that I’d like to see (but not necessarily own) for nostalgia purposes:

Fraggle Rock
Family Ties
Charles in Charge
The A-Team
Family Ties
Quantum Leap
Lavern & Shirley

Nicknames given to me and currently used by people in my life:

Shorty
Half-pint
JB
*My last name*
Princess
Jessigirl
Chica

Some things I hate:

Clowns (or anyone with clown-looking make up)
My lack of understanding, prior to college, of the massive amount opportunities available
When people ask me a bagillion times when I am going to get married, have children, or make them grandparents
Random chatter
Loud people
Small talk
Smutty television shows
The color pink
Blogger formatting (or lack thereof)

Some things I love:

Veggies
Mountain Dew
Thunderstorms
Good friends
Patterns (stripes, flowers, number patterns) and geometric shapes (squares, circles, rectangles, triangles)
Bold colors and earth tone colors
Lists

Neighborly Goodness

2009-08-18T12:48:00.004-04:00

To my surprise, my doorbell rang Sunday evening. I couldn’t fathom who could be at my door because no one really comes to visit unexpectedly. I ran to the bedroom window to peer down at the unsuspecting visitor and, lo and behold, it was the neighbor lady. Not the same neighbor lady as my last encounter. No, this time, it was the 80 year old mother.

Great, I thought. Now what?

I tried to be positive. I really did. I went to the door with a smile, greeted her warmly and waited anxiously for her to state her objective. Unfortunately, my suspicions were confirmed as she made her request. She asked if My Friend could park elsewhere leaving this particular space open for her because she’s getting older and it is hard for her to get around and walk that far. And it wouldn’t be for long because they were planning on moving soon.

Now, this is a request that I would ordinarily be more than happy to oblige. Respect for my elders was something I learned a long time ago from my father. Even in this particular instance, I was willing to be open to the possibility of accommodating her request.

That was until I began to close the door and she said, “And not to be mean but we were here first, you know.” WHAT?!? My first thought was, Like mother, like daughter. Neither one of them knows how to be nice or is even slightly interested in being neighborly.

I closed the door and went back upstairs and posed her request to My Friend. He laughed. He felt the same as I. If they weren’t such callous people, would we be happy to be accommodating. The parking lot is an open lot for everyone. Even if My Friend didn’t park in this particular space (it is a crapshoot, really), someone else could and does. Moreover, we each have a parking space in the garage that isn’t 10 feet from their front door. If it is so hard for the 80 year old mother to get around, why isn’t the daughter letting her park in the garage? Umm, hello! I also wonder what this 80 year old woman who is apparently not able to get around well is doing driving in the first place.

Maybe My Friend and I are just as callous and maybe we should take the high road and accommodate the elderly woman’s request. If we did, would it matter? Would the neighbors be nice? Would they be appreciative? I doubt it.

Play ball!

2009-08-10T10:45:00.003-04:00

I got to go to the Detroit Tiger's game on Sunday! I love going to stuff like that. I love watching live sports. Watching it on TV just isn't as exciting. I cannot say that I am an avid sports fan. I don't follow any sport these days and I couldn't even tell you who plays anymore. Nonetheless, I had fun.

It was an extremely hot day. 93 degrees and sunshine all the way. I wasn't complaining though. I love the sun and I love summer. After you came to terms with the fact that you're just going to be drenched with sweat, it wasn't so bad. At least, I didn't think so. I even got a little sun~~burn~~tan.

Photos courtesy Daytime Night Owl

Here’s what goin’ on

2009-08-06T11:08:00.006-04:00

This week has been a little, well, blah. I’m not overly tired, but I am feeling a bit of weariness from getting up earlier than I am used to, working long 10 hour days and working six days out of seven a week. I promise you, I am not complaining. I feel very fortunate to have the opportunity to work some extra hours and stash away a little extra cash.

In addition to the earlier mornings and long hours, it is summer time. The season that I yearn for all year long. When summer finally makes its long awaited appearance, the warm weather and sunshine seem to come and go so quickly. I am trying to make it a point to enjoy the warmth and sunshine even though, most nights, I would rather go home and crawl into bed.

The weekends have been action packed and there are no signs of slowing. Last weekend, one of my best girl friends brought a new life into this world. I spent a great deal of Saturday in the town left behind visiting with her and her new baby boy. Of course, no Saturday is complete without a trip to Wal-Mart and the loss of a $100 bill. A sly purchase made by My Friend resulted in a Saturday night game of Monopoly. I am learning that My Friend has a tendency to talk a big game and then get his butt kicked. The game is not over yet, but let me just tell you that I am way ahead.

Photo courtesy Hasbro

Photo courtesy Daytime Night Owl

Sunday, My Friend surprised me with a trip to the zoo. Giraffes and zebras and impalas, oh my!

Photo collection courtesy Daytime Night Owl

It was such a nice surprise considering I have no recollection of ever going to the zoo in my life. I am sure I have, but I really don’t remember. It was a beautiful sunny day with a nice breeze. It wasn’t too crowded and we did not encounter any rude people. The day went off without a hitch. The only unfortunate incident that I encountered was in the restroom. Everyone always stops at the restroom when they arrive and, of course, the smallest restroom in the joint is near the entrance. Three whole stalls for a mass of people. As I am standing in line, the girl in front of me suddently turns towards the door, covers her mouth and blows chunks everywhere. (And I mean chunks!) I felt really bad for her, but there was really nothing anyone could do for her. As soon as the next stall became available, I got in and out and made sure to thoroughly wash my hands. Apparently, vomiting did not deter her from attempting to enjoy the zoo because I saw her again 4+ hours later when we were leaving.

After the zoo and the hour and a half drive home, we headed to the house of a friend of My Friend for dinner. Dinner was delicious (um, anytime you have steak, you will never hear a complaint from me). I finally made it home at 9 pm and dropped myself on the couch for about a half hour. When I could no longer keep my eyes open, I fell into bed.

The coming weekend will be no less busy. Two of my very dear friends are coming into town. One Friday night from Florida. One Saturday night from Tennessee. Both will be here for longer than the weekend, thankfully, because I am not sure I’ll have time to see them. Saturday will be work in the morning, boating with mom in the afternoon (I have to go or she will be upset because I have cancelled on her twice already), then a graduation in the evening, possibly followed by meeting a friend for a drink or dinner. Sunday is an all day outing at a baseball game.

Whew…I’m tired just thinking about it.

Who's bad?

2009-07-31T11:30:00.008-04:00

Last night, My Friend and I went putt-putt golfing. I can't tell you how excited I was. It has been years since I have played putt-putt. I thought for sure I would be horrible and, as My Friend continuously boasted about his putt-putt skills and talked smack, I was even more certain I would make a complete fool of myself...or was I? I will admit that I did not beat him, but man I should have. Or at least tied. If I hadn't completely choked on hole 17, we would have tied. I was a lot closer to the hole than him, but I thought about it too much and over putted. Four times! It should have easily been a two stroke hole. Alas, he won by four strokes.

I do get to rub in the fact that I was a lot better than he expected and it will never be easy to beat me. Never count out the quiet ones! Sharpen your skills My Friend. Game on!

Rainbow

2009-07-30T09:30:00.005-04:00

Photo courtesy Daytime Night Owl

This is the rainbow of colors that I am sporting since I got my hair done yesterday. Blonde, red and a little bit of blondish-brown (dirty dishwater blonde they say). Because my hair is curly, I think it is kind of hard to see all fo the colors when my hair is done. It's fun and different though. I had been itching for a change.

Day off to-do list

2009-07-29T09:49:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I decided to treat myself to a day off. The idea of taking a day off started with the fact that I have been holding on to a gift certificate for a massage since February and it was set to expire August 3. Since I had to travel back to the town I recently moved from for that, I decided to try to kill several birds with one stone. This made me realize that I may need to find places near my new home that provide these services. Ugh. What a chore that will be! For now, I'm content making an occasional return trip to the land left behind.

Yesterday's To-Do List:

Pick up package at Post Office - check

Hair appointment @ 10:00 a.m. - check

Shopping (use coupon) if time permits - time did not permit :(

Oil change and tire rotation - check

Ask sis's boyfriend about my brakes - check

Lunch with friend, time permitting - time did not permit :(

See mom - check

Massage appointment (1 hour) @ 2:00 p.m. - check

Chiropractor - check

Alltel store with My Friend - check

Drop old pants off at cousin's house for daughter - check

Meet mom and Grumpy Old Grandpa for sandwiches - time did not permit :(

Overall, I would say I had a very productive day. My hair turned out beautifully. I had several comments right after having it done. My massage was so relaxing (aside from my face going numb in the little face pillow thing). It was great to see mom even if it was a very brief visit. It was definitely a jam-packed day. Now, I think an uneventful, relaxing day home alone is in order.

Visitor and Visiting

2009-07-24T16:46:00.006-04:00

Aside from my family who so graciously helped me move and My Friend, I have had one visitor to my new home. One of my dearest friends in the whole world came to visit me. I worried about her traveling the 45 minutes from her town to mine because, as you can see, she is with child and almost full-term. (I have covered her face because I do not want to post it all over the www without her consent.) In fact, she is due to be induced on Friday if she does not go into labor on her own before then. I am so excited for her. I cannot wait to see whether the baby is a boy or girl. The added element of surprise is exciting.

Photo courtesy of Daytime Night Owl

A few days after my visitor, I went visiting. Another dear friend had returned to Michigan briefly from her home in Florida to do some prep work on a house she is trying to sell and to see her family. We spent all of Saturday afternoon together. I felt a little bad because I was so extremely exhaust from having to work that morning. Getting up at 5:30 am is extremely early for a night owl. It was nice to see her though. I am hoping the next time I see her will be at her home in sunny Florida.

Photo courtesy of Daytime Night Owl

Much ado about nothing

2009-07-24T15:23:00.002-04:00

I haven't had anything to write about lately. I find this blog thing challenging. I guess, though, that is the point for me. To step outside the box and try something new, something different.

Lately, there has been so much going on in my personal life, but deciding how much, if any of it, to share has been challenging. What do people really want to read about? Do they care about the silverware in the dishwasher debate that My Friend and I have had that we find hilarious? Do people want to hear about how I've struggled with the fact that I can hardly stand to be around my family because they are so judgmental of me and others and, yet, claim whole heartedly to be humble servants of God and it drives me nuts? Do people want to read about how my job is changing and I am so glad and invite the change? Does anyone want to read about how my mother, in a state of drunkenness, proclaims that I will hate having moved away and will be back soon and is adamant that she doesn't like me moving one bit?

Essentially, that has been what's been going on lately. In the grand scheme of things, does any of it matter? Or is it much ado about nothing?

Getting to know you (me)

2009-07-15T16:51:00.009-04:00

Photo courtesy of Daytime Night Owl

Since I am new to this blogging thing, I thought it would be fun to write about some things that an outside person may not know about me. I always find it intriguing when bloggers post interesting facts about themselves. So here goes nothing.

I comb my hair in the shower while the conditioner is in.
My favorite colors are green and purple.
My mother wanted to name me Lacy, but my dad didn’t like it. Even though my name is common, I prefer Jessica over Lacy any day.
My favorite food would consist of most anything to do with potatoes, especially mashed and fried potatoes. Exceptions include french fries and potato chips. (It isn’t that I do not like them, but I do not have a great desire to consume them either.)
My hair is, in fact, naturally curly.
I am addicted to Mountain Dew.
I have read 12 of 13 books in the Left Behind series. After the 13th, it’s on the prequels.
Countries I have visited:
a. Canada (I was young. I barely remember this.)
b. England
c. Scotland
d. Mexico (Literally, drove into Juarez and turned around to come back just to say we crossed the border.)
I moved a total of eight times (that I can recall) between fourth grade and my senior year of high school. This includes three different schools and a repeat of the first at the end. (Make sense?)
I AM A NIGHT OWL! (Hence the blog title.)

What interesting tidbits can you tell about me yourself?

(On a side note, why does Blogger turn all of my numbered lists into flowery bullets? Even more weird is that they appear as numbers on Google Reader, but not on Blogger.)

Get your juices going!

2009-07-10T13:57:00.007-04:00

Photo courtesy karindalziel

Yesterday I started helping out in another department at work for a few hours in the early morning. One thing I love about working in this department is that they always, always have a stash of goodies. Today's goodies: Starburst! Oh how I love thee Starburst.

I grabbed a couple of pink Starburst (my fav) from the bag, went over to my station, sat down, and started to unwrap the luscious little strawberry candy. Suddenly, I was reminded of My Friend who has a unique way of consuming Starburst. Said Friend does not unwrap the Starburst. At all. Instead, he consumes the entire thing, wrapper and all, claiming that you cannot even taste the paper.

My Friend tried to coax me into trying it, but I just could not bring myself to eat the waxy paper. My thought is that it would ruin the whole thing. So what if you don’t taste that wrapper. What about the smooth, chewy, sticky texture? Seems to me that consuming wrapper and all would ruin the lovely consistency of the delicious fruit-flavored chew, don’t you think? In addition to ruining the whole flavor-bursting, mouth-watering bliss that goes on inside your mouth, one has to consider the fact that your body has to try to digest this foreign substance AND eventually get rid of it. (Gross. I know.) The thought makes me cringe.

Please tell me that this is a random phenomenon and that most people really do not do this.

It was a pleasure meeting you

2009-07-06T15:15:00.004-04:00

Photo courtesy of pixelstar

Part of the reason I moved to a new town was to get out there and see what else the world has to offer instead of sitting home and doing absolutely nothing day in and day out. Fortunately, I have a dear Friend who can help me do just that. Over the holiday weekend, I had the opportunity to meet a few of My Friend’s friends. Though I am really not a people person and I spend most of my time sitting there listening to everyone else’s conversations, I felt fortunate to be included (as opposed to secluded).

I met several people over the weekend. All seemed open to meeting me and friendly. As such, I was stunned to learn of one individual’s comment regarding me. Now, I promise you that My Friend had good reason to tell me this. In venting to a good co-worker and another friend, both stated that this comment is something that they would have kept to themselves and not shared with the person the remark was about. To be quite honest, I am actually glad to know as it tells quite a bit of this person’s character, in my opinion.

The following morning after meeting this individual, whom we’ll call Bob, My Friend received a phone call. Bob was apparently calling to give his stamp of approval regarding me (as if My Friend had asked for or needed this endorsement). Bob’s only concern was that My Friend should consider dropping $5,000-6,000 on me. Insinuating (are you ready for this?) that I need to have my bust surgically enlarged.

Um….WHAT?!?!?! Seriously? Excuse me if I’m taken aback a bit here. At first, I was seriously hurt by this remark. My thought was, “Who in their right mind goes around saying things like that after meeting a person for the first time?!?!?!?! Who would ever say anything like that???!?”

After having some time to mull it over and think about it, I have come to the conclusion that I will not let this bother me. It is pea-brained thinking like this that is killing women and men alike. As a teenager, I starved myself for days upon days to be thin even though I was already naturally thin. Into my early twenties, I continued this same pattern. I was compared by my mother, an alcoholic, that I would never be as skinny as her. And my step-mother who grabbed me by the waist one time and said, “We aren’t our skinny little Jessi anymore, are we?” I have been told that I have a big butt and a small chest. These are the kinds of comments that cause people to stick their finger down their throat, to binge and purge, to look in the mirror and criticize every little imperfection they think they see because the world is telling them that it is in some way a deficiency. People literally kill themselves trying to be perfect and, all the while, those criticizing are the ones who are less than whole, less than perfect. They are lacking love in some way and projecting it onto others. They do not know how to value what is truly beautiful.

I believe in God. I believe God created me exactly how He wanted me. He made no mistakes in creating me or any other person anywhere. He gave me this body and I am charged with taking care of it. I am not charged with altering the physical design that He bestowed upon me.

It has taken me years to come to this place of acceptance and understanding. It has taken effort on my part to stop comparing myself to others, to stop allowing others to compare me, to accept lack of perfection as perfection, to step back away from the mirror and to stop being so stinking picky and harsh on, not only myself, but others too. I am happy with the person that I have become over the years. I do not feel that having a boob job will make me feel more whole as a person nor will that complete the package. I enjoy my, so called, inequities and prefer to say that those are the things make me unique. I refuse to allow one person’s comment to cast a dark, gloomy shadow over my life.

So, Bob, it was a pleasure meeting you. I only hope you can learn something from me as I will continue to be myself when you are around and show you that there is more to a woman than a perfect hour glass shape. Maybe you will figure out what exactly it is you have been missing all this time by chasing your idea of perfection.

A Real Job

2009-07-04T12:01:00.001-04:00

Photo courtesey of sylvar

It is an ongoing joke at work that, if you make it three years, you’re considered a lifer. I have worked here for eight and a half years. As I reminisce about this from time to time, I worry that I have not occupied many real jobs. In my thirty year tenure on this earth, I worry that I have not gained enough employment experience to be a seasoned employee or an adequate accountant. As I thought about this more, I began to list the different jobs that I have had over the years and I laughed out loud.

During my high school years, the rule at my house was, if you were playing sports, you didn’t have to have a job. I played one sport every season so I wasn’t forced to work during the school year. However, once I got my own car at 16, I had to pay for gas and my own car insurance. This resulted in working summer jobs to save up. Though I do not recall which job I held first, I know that I worked at the College Bookstore stocking shelves and doing inventory and a fruit farm making donuts and various other baked goods during high school. The summer after high school (and before going off to college) was spent in production scheduling at factory that makes playground equipment. I was extremely excited about this job. The job had actually been promised to a classmate of mine (a fact that I did not have knowledge of at the time), but, instead, she got stuck in shipping and receiving. Ha! (Oh, I’m not supposed to be all catty and tell you that I celebrated over this because this particular person had helped make my high school life hell. Neener neener! I do actually like this person now. I have forgiven. See, I've grown up too!)

Once I finally made it to college, I considered getting a job. I did. Really. I even secured a work study job in the Business department there for a short time. College was really hard for me though. I was so mixed up mentally and emotionally and I lacked a considerable amount of social skills that it became too much for me. Eventually, I just stopped showing up. That sounds horrible, but I cannot begin to tell you the emotional turmoil that I went through during those first two years in college.

During the two summers between academic years, I worked for the county road commission as a flagger. That was a blast. It was probably the best job I have ever had. I loved that job and all of the guys that I worked with. They were a great bunch and I miss them a great deal. I cannot believe I loved that job so much. As a night owl, mornings are really rough for me. For most of the summer, we began working at 6:00 am. It was really rough for me to make it to work before the rooster crowed, but I managed. I loved every single minute of it.

After two years in college, I decided I could not handle it anymore and I moved back home. During that time, I attended a community college part-time and worked at a local accounting firm. Since I planned on eventually getting an accounting degree, it seemed a perfect fit. I gained some good experience here, but not as much as I had hoped for or that I knew I was capable of. My boss had a tendency to treat people, myself included, like idiots as well and I did not feel as though the environment was progressive enough for me. After being talked down to a few times and told that I could not attend school during tax season, I decided that job was not for me and I quit. I quit without a plan.

Within a month, I was able to secure a part-time job as the secretary for the department that served students at the community college that I had previously attended. This afforded me a great deal of opportunity. Soon I transitioned to the secretary for the dean of students. Still a part-time job, I was able to continue to go to school full-time and partake in a cross culture trip to England and Scotland for three weeks. Eventually my boss was able to have my position moved from part-time to full-time. Within a year of obtaining my degree, I was able to transition to the business department as an accountant where I could utilize my skills and degree and fulfill my career objective.

Looking back, I can say that I may not have held the most impressive jobs, but I have held some unique jobs. I learned something from all of them and I am who I am because of those experiences too. I used to think that I wanted to be somebody and to make lots of money. Now I think that I am somebody to the people who are important to me and a lot of money isn’t going to bring happiness to my life. Not to mention, I really do not like to work that hard. Some people are cut out for it and some people aren’t. It takes all of us to make the world go around. I am happy for the experiences I have had and the person that I have become because of them. Everything fell into place just like it is supposed to. For that, I am thankful.

All you have to do is ask

2009-07-01T16:50:00.007-04:00

It is no secret that I am not a people person. I don't like crowds of people. I don't like groups of people. I don't even like small groups of people. One on one conversations, I can do. You add just one more person to the equation and you would probably check to see if I had a pulse.

It isn't that I don't like people. I do. I love people. People that I know, that is. I even love people watching. But, mostly, I lose all brain function around people where conversation is expected. And isn't that, like, everywhere?!

I am, also, what one might consider a people-pleaser. People-pleasing is a very common characteristic amongst co-dependents (something I've written about before, but have since deleted). My instinct is to keep the peace, to not make waves, to make sure that everything is kosher and everyone is happy. I make sure of this, often, at the expense of my own happiness and well-being.

When I initially looked at my apartment in May, there was a special running. The website said, “Move in by May 31st and receive one of the following: $500 off move in costs, $500 pre-paid Visa or a golf package at Extravagant Local* Golf Course”. When I signed my lease on June 15, however, my lease paperwork said nothing about the special. I inquired with the Leasing Agent and was told that, since I was signing in June, I would not be able to take advantage of the offer. I was extremely bummed by this, but, as is my non-wave making way, I went about business as usual and signed the papers.

In doing more research, I found that the same special was being run for move-in by June 30th. What the…??? I was upset as I had planned to stretch the $500 out over the length of the lease as a reduction to my rent. That results in a savings of just over $41 per month. And if you know me at all, you know that I am, we’ll say, frugal. (Don’t you see all the links on the left to fellow frugallers out there in the world?) Now, I knew that I needed to go in and talk to either the Community Manager or the Leasing Agent. This, however, in my book, is considered making waves. This is way out of my comfort zone. This causes me a great deal of anxiety. Typically, I would have just paid the money and gone about my business. We are talking a year’s worth of payments though.

With my rent due date just around the corner, I had to somehow muster some guts and talk to someone. I know in my head that I cannot expect people to do things for me my whole life just because confrontational circumstances (or perceived confrontation) scare me. At some point, I have to pull on my big girl pants and step up to the plate. That is exactly what I did today. And guess what? I hit a stinking home run people!

It wasn’t nearly as bad as I had anticipated! I had to prepare what I was going to say in advance. That is just how it works for me. If I go in unprepared, I draw a blank. I get defensive. I get emotional. I become standoffish and resistant. I don’t really hear the conversation. I get sweaty and hot. I tremble. I get nowhere.

When I walked in, I did not recognize the lady working. I have met just about all of the lovely ladies there except this one. When she asked how she could help me, I politely said, “I was wondering if you could help me understand something.” I went on to explain how the same special was running in June when I signed the lease as was in May when I first looked at my apartment. She said she would pull the file and take a look. Then, as she grabbed for the file from the drawer, she said, “Oh, I’ll just credit your account.” I was taken aback a bit. How easy was that?! “Really?!” I exclaimed. Little did I know, I was talking with the Community Manager who is the authority on such matters. It required a reprinting of my move in agreement and my lease, but she graciously made the changes and spread out the $500 over the next 12 months and sent me on my way.

Later, I received a phone call from the Leasing Agent who had gone over my lease with me and gave me the keys the day I moved in. She squealed and said, “Jessica, good for you! I’m so happy for you! I thought they should have let you have the special too, but they had said no. Anyway, I had to sneak in a call and congratulate you. Good for you girl!” She made me laugh. That is part of what attracted me to this place, though. Everyone is so friendly, pleasant and truly caring. And, the thing is, all I had to do was ask.

(I've been patting myself on the back ever since. Little feats mean big progress.)

*The name has been changed to protect…me.

One Last Time

2009-06-30T10:19:00.006-04:00

Photo courtesy of firehawk77

In the past few days, a number of chapters have closed in my life. Sunday I said a final goodbye to a boyfriend with whom I have had an on again/off again relationship with since I was 13 years old. I am now 30. That represents more than half of my life. Though I know that this is the right thing to do, and I have had extremely wonderful friends (thank you Shan) and family who have been supportive and encouraging, it was hard, nonetheless, closing that door.

Yesterday, I took my final drive from work to my old apartment. It was a familiar drive. It was nearly instinctive to leave work, turn left out of the drive and head south. It was an eerily familiar drive and I wondered if I might miss it at some point in the future. As I reached my destination, I dreaded the little bit of work I had left to do, but I was excited to finally be done with it. I packed up the rest of the cleaning supplies and garbage, rang my landlord’s doorbell, and relinquished the keys. I am neither sad nor happy about this. I am glad that it is finally over – the cleaning and packing bit anyway. Another door closed.

Today marks my boss’ final day. While I feel this transition will bring forth positive change, it is still a very sad occasion. I have been in this department for three years and nine months. I give credit for everything I have learned over the past nearly four years to my boss. She gave me the opportunity that I longed for after obtaining my BA in Accounting. She opened that door for me and, for that, I am ever so grateful. She has taught me so much about accounting, amongst other things. She believed in my when I didn’t believe in myself. She afforded me room to grow. She stood back and let it happen naturally. When I would get discouraged, she would encourage. She would say, “One day, you will have that ‘ah ha!’ moment and you’ll know.” And you know what? She was right. I am still having those “ah ha!” moments. Every time I have one of those “I get it!” moments, I will think of her. She was a good boss and I will miss her.

As the old adage goes, when one door closes, another shall open.

Won't you be my neighbor?

2009-06-29T16:38:00.008-04:00

Photo courtesy of dannyO., aka dboy

Imagine that you have just moved into a new place that is totally awesome. You have a short, quaint drive to work (in comparison to haul you had to make previously). You live in a really quiet community. You have amenities that you have never had before. Everything is totally rockin'. And then, then, one day, you are unloading nearly the last car load of ~~crap~~ miscellaneous items and your downstairs neighbor stops you because she's been meaning to talk to you. Keep in mind you've only been in said new place a whole two weeks at this point. And, thus, conversation ensues:

Me: Hi.
Neighbor: Uh, hi. Uh, yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you.
(My Friend who is helping unload car passes pretending not to be paying attention.)
Me: Oh, really?
Neighbor: Um, yeah.
Me (waiting): Ok, sure.
Neighbor: I need to talk to you about the noise.
(My Friend walks by again with dagger look trying to keep quiet.)
Me (surprised): Oh, really? We’ve been noisy?
Neighbor: Well, Marge* at the front desk said I should talk to you. I am a nurse and I can hear you in the morning when you get up at 7:00.
Me: Do you hear the tv or anything like that?
Neighbor: And I hear you going up and down the stairs.
Me: Oh. I didn’t think I had been all that noisy. I’m hardly here. So what exactly is it that’s bothering you?
Neighbor: Well, I can hear the shower in the morning and I can’t sleep.
Me: Ok, well, I apologize. I will try to be quieter. What shift do you work?
Neighbor: I’m a nurse and my 80 year old mother lives with me too.
(My Friend passes with most irritated look on face.)
Me: Um, ok. Well, I’m really sorry if I’ve been disturbing you. I’ll try to keep the noise level down.

Where do I even begin to tell you how dumbstruck I am over this? She seemed to have a hard time approaching me to begin with. I am a sympathetic person and I, too, have a hard time with confrontation. I really tried to be open to what she was saying and understanding. Really. I did. I want to be a good neighbor. But come on. She went to the office because she can hear the shower running in the morning? Is that not an expected noise to hear in the morning when you live in a complex? Seriously? And, she doesn’t hear the tv? I mean, if anything, you can hear the tv. She also totally avoided my questions.

My Friend was completely annoyed by the whole thing. I almost busted up laughing at said Friend’s expressions as I talked to the neighbor lady. My Friend was way more upset than I. It helped make the situation more comical.

Honestly, I am a very accommodating person, but I see no way to keep the peace on this issue. I tried to discern what exactly she was expecting or wanting me to do, but I still don’t know what that is. I have wracked my brain over it for two whole days. I am a light-stepper (thanks mom for not allowing stomping or elephants in the house), I don’t like to slam doors or cupboards (again, thanks mom), I do occasionally drop the soap or shampoo in the shower, I don’t have yelling matches or screaming fits, so I don’t know how much noise I could possibly be making.

So there you have it. I’m already making the neighbors mad and I just moved in.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Life Changes for the Better

2009-06-15T17:20:00.004-04:00

Photo courtesy of Daytime Night Owl

I've moved. Again. This time, I have moved for a multitude of reasons. I have moved to a different town. I have moved to a place that is somewhat familiar, but not. I have moved to a location that is quite a bit larger than what I am used to. There are more people, more houses, more traffic, more shopping, more things to do, etc. I am closer to work. I am closer to friends with whom I work. I am closer to family that I didn't know existed.

I am away from my familiar surroundings. I am away from the place where I grew up. I am away from my mother. I have distanced myself from relationships that were unhealthy. I am removed from the comfort of being a short distance from everything and everyone I know.

This was a bittersweet move. I left behind a relationship that has existed for nearly half of my life. I cried. I cried a lot. I second guessed myself. I worried. I made myself sick worrying. I haven't eaten much. I've lost weight. I've lost sleep. I'm exhausted.

I look forward to the adventure that lies ahead. I look forward to trying new things, meeting new people and exploring new places. I will, more easily, be able to advance my career and/or education. I look forward to spending time with the friends I've made, but have been too far away from. I look forward to making my new place my home. I invite the opportunity to spend more time with family that I have not known until recently. I look forward to new opportunities whatever they may be.